Firstly - I'd like to wish a very happy Christmas to all my readers, I hope it was a good 'un. So 2012 is drawing to a close and normally at this point my blog is a little annual summary of what I've done with my year - the major milestones as it were. But then I figure - chances are if you're reading my blog - then you already know me; and if you already know me, then you already know what's been going on.

So instead, I'm going to talk about what I've learned this year. School, college, university - they teach you; language, maths, general knowledge. You graduated and you go on to use those skills for a career. But the university of life - you never graduate. You're constantly learning, developing.

1. "I'm going to make sure 2013 will be the best year of my life." 

The amount of times I've heard this is unreal. I try and think about it - and I can't really pinpoint the best year of my life. Every year of my life has been full of ups, and downs; and I think that's the same for everyone. We all have those days; can't find the keys, the car won't start, the bus is late, you spill coffee on yourself, your computer crashes and you loose you work - those truly horrible days. Everyone gets them. Similarly we get those horrible months, you maybe loose your job? Following that money is tight and then it affects everything else, you can't afford bills, rent. You start to stress and get sick. Maybe loose your home. It happens to the best of us. But then you also get days were; you catch every green light on the way to work, you get a compliment, you find a tenner on the street; and months where everything just goes right. But it never lasts the full twelve. Even what I'd consider the best years of my life have been plagued with illness, misfortune, even death.

My 2012 has been full of these ups and downs. I moved into a lovely new home in January - up. I got made redundant - down. I found a new job right away - up. I got diagnosed with an unfortunate and complicated illness - down. Went on holiday with friends - up. - and so on. It's literally been a zigzag of a year. Looking back, all my years have been - and it's kind of important to remember that.

So my first lesson for 2013 would be; don't let it swallow you when the bad things do happen. The worse the down times are, the more you'll appreciate the 'ups'.

2. We're all doing a Harvey Dent. 

People fascinate me, they always have done. It's why I took Psychology as a degree. We're such a complex species. How many of us say what we're really thinking? How many of us laugh at a joke we don't find funny? When you see an old school friend in the middle of the supermarket, and they say "How's things?" - don't we all say, "Yeah things are good." or "Not bad thanks."  How many of us say; "Actually, I'm really struggling right now, I'm really unhappy."

But than the problem is - the people who are brutally honest become dick heads. No one wants to really hear the truth, and when they do they get angry. But contrary to that, everyone hates liars. You can't really win with people. As a consequence we do become two-faced as a species. No I'm not trying to offend anyone here, or insult you; because it's actually an unfortunate consequence or being polite, of trying to conform.
Like being called a liar; being called two-faced is very negative; but it's - not malicious two-facery. It's just a social norm. Sometimes you have to do it to prevent people getting upset. Tolerance over aggression.

So my lesson from this is; you can't get upset about it. In life your friends will always be friends with someone you don't like. In an ideal world everyone would get on, all your friends would like and dislike the same people. But the world is far from ideal. You can't ask people to choose; especially because chances are, you also like someone they don't. So just get on with it. Be a bigger person and just appreciate your friends for who they are, not who the associate with.

3. A lot of people have got masks on. 

I'm an emotional person who very much wears their heart on their sleeve. Of course I will always try and hold back if I don't want to show my emotion, but more often than not my watering eyes and quivering lip will betray me, or even the curve of my lips into a smirk as I fight back a laugh.

But not everyone is like this. Some people have mastered wearing an expressionless mask; or even, a mask with a false expression. Some people are capable of faking emotions; like happiness, even love. It makes me sad to think it's possible for someone to forge love; but I've seen it's possible. It terrifies me. As for happiness? Some of my friends who seem the happiest on the outside have the heaviest hearts. It's clear to see from my work that a lot of the people who come in; just to sit, have a cry, have a vent - are people who spend their social lives being the joker. Running around trying to make everyone else happy, and neglecting their own needs.

So lesson #3 - sometimes, it's okay to be selfish. You need to find a good balance, but you need to look after number 1. You can't please everyone, it's impossible. But if you make yourself happy, the people who really matter will be happy for you. It's also important to remember, you probably have no idea what someone is going through. So never take things out on someone else, we all have our own closet skeletons.


So my annual summary:
I have learnt a lot in 2012; of people, of life. Even though some of it has been difficult I can move forward to 2013 with a better head. I don't think I can change completely as a person, and I'm not sure I'd want to. I have traits I'm proud of'; traits that help me do my job. Empathy, compassion. But at the same time I need a stronger sense of myself and people.

Here's to 2013, I hope their are more ups than downs. If there are downs, I hope you have the support of friends and loved ones around you - nothing can carry you through like a hug, a reassuring squeeze on the shoulder

All the best guys.

I’ve been counselling now for 4 weeks. This is the reason I do it. (No, not the wine; the message in the card) 

From the age of about 3, everyone wants to be a superhero. Running around the house with a cape you made from your pillowcase.  ‘Save the world’ – that’s what it’s all about. But is it? Superheroes don’t save the world. They save; Gotham, Metropolis... New York. Okay you can argue if the villain destroys one city what’s to stop him going after the rest of it but not my point.

It’s too difficult to save a whole world; superhero or not. You have to be realistic about your limits. But there’s that quote that goes around; it’s usually plastered over some bullshit picture of people holding hands on a beach at sunset or something equally unimpressive but:

"To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world."

If you can make a difference to one person’s life, then that’s enough – because you might not have saved ‘the world’ .. but you’ve saved someone’s world. That’s the idea I’m going for? 

Maybe – cheesiness aside – I am genuinely enjoying the job. It’s not always straightforward – too many people have the wrong idea of what I’m actually meant to do. They come seeking advice. I’m not an advisor.

Too many people just have a totally wrong schema of life; which is the pinpoint of their problems. I’ve signed a million NDAs so I can’t talk in depth, but a couple came to me and one of them asked; “What do you tell other couples in this situation, what do they do?”

No two people get the same answer, because no two people are the same. Some couples live joined at the hip, others live practically separate lives; but if it works for them, it works for them.  There is no black and white when it comes to people. There aren’t set any answers. One person’s happiness is another person’s sorrow. In difficult situations you can only put forward how you would react to it; but that might not work for someone else; and unless you have actually been through the situation yourself, it’s meaningless anyway because you might think you will react a certain way but when it comes to it we are all slaves to emotion; we have no power over the way we feel about anything. 

Anyway, - on a life note. Healthwise I'm doing better (I had a little heart trouble [again]) but aside from being very tired very easily I'm doing okay. I just need to start paying attention to medical professionals. I don't really like being told to slow down or take it easy ... but, I suppose sometimes you have to.  

Christmas is looming and I feel the least prepared I have in my life, ever. Working two jobs; one of which is working me to the bone - is taking its toll. By the time I get home I just want to sleep. I have no energy for shopping; getting organised. 

That being said Christmas is coming early this year and I am hosting a traditional Christmas dinner in mine this Saturday. I'm cooking a traditional roast dinner for eight people - complete with crackers, paper hats, Christmas jumpers and a mismatch of dining chairs. I'm a little nervous - more so the feeling of being completely unprepared, I have a lot to get ready in time for it - but I'm also really looking forward to it. 

I will update this again sooner I promise: probably once I get Saturday out the way, I will let you all know how it goes. 

This is my 100th post :) Honestly, I thought it would be than that the amount of time I seem to be pouring down the random thoughts that cross my mind. I've spent some time reading over my past blogs, there's a few fond memories, but a lot of them are just an awful lot of lady part waffle. So - thank you if you still are actually reading!

There’s an Example song at the moment; I only know it because it seems to be on the radio every time I climb in the car. Like many of his songs it’s incredible repetitive lyrics, which means the following has been drilled into me;

“You should keep your best friends close by, but keep your enemies closer.”

Now I have always thought this was bullshit, and honestly, I thought everyone thought it was bullshit. But lately I've realised watching people the amount of people who live by this rule. I don’t mean when you’re friends with someone to be courteous; often the case when your friend has a boyfriend/girlfriend you don’t like but you make the effort for their benefit (yes you all know you do it, I bet most of you have a person in mind!) But anyway, I mean full on, hating the person they spend every weekend going out with. I actually don’t know how it’s even do-able. I very much adopt a ‘if I don’t like them, I’ll do what I can to avoid them.’ approach.  Honestly, for the most part it work!

Anyway, a little life update.

Firstly and most importantly – I have secured a new placement. Not just any job, pretty much my dream job. From 5^th November I will be a Health and Wellbeing Psychological Practitioner – or basically, a counsellor. It’s private practice so I won’t necessarily be using the NHS client centred approach but incorporating a range of approaches which I prefer. A wider berth and less subjective. I’m just looking forward to it so much though – my office is a lovely cosy room; cliché couch and arm chair with dream catchers on the wall and a kettle in the corner. I can see myself being happy there; and most importantly, I’ll be doing something I’m passionate about. Due to lack of experience I'll be focussing on low secure clients; so things like relationship problems, general low mood; but still, I can't wait. 

Last week was a busy week; spent catching up with friends – old and new. Monday I went around to Liz’s new flat; I can’t help but feel excited for them because I remember my own excitement when I first moved out. It's such a major landmark in your life. Tuesday I headed out for Mexican with Jake and a few of his friends; getting to know new people is always nice; as are fajitas. Wednesday night was Wetherspoons and Stamps with a few lovely people – then Thursday I had a night off; place to myself, bubble bath and pampering; ready for the weekend.

 Friday was a brilliant night. A while ago Jennie suggested going to a comedy night from Groupon. It was £12 for a meal, wine and the comedy show – and honestly while I thought it would be a nice evening with friends doing something a bit different, I wasn’t expecting it to be great for so cheap. But it was fantastic. A slightly rocky start with a young boy who bless him was so nervous no one had the heart to heckle him. But after that it only got better and the final act, Jollyboat, left me in tears of laughter. After that we went on a bit of a bar crawl, and bar one horrible bint in Aloha (I won't get into it but she very narrowly avoid getting a slap!); I had a really brilliant night. I love trying new places, tried and tested is a safe option yes but after a while it does get boring; and I discovered Salt Dog Slims where they do chilli dogs and drinks made of popcorn! You can't go wrong there!

Then Saturday night was ‘unofficial’ Halloween and I threw a party in ours. I invited a lot of people, and for various reasons ranging from illness to working not many could make it. I was understanding of course, these things couldn't be helped but at first I was a bit disappointed. But the night proved that quantity is not everything, I had a fantastic night, good old fashioned drinking games and banter with a few wonderful people. 

I spent Sunday feeling very grateful for some of the people I have the pleasure of having in my life right now. 

That is all for now. One thing last week did manage to do it completely exhaust me; and possibly KO my kidneys – so for now I am off to bed!

Someone gave me advice lately ...  ‘Don’t ever let anyone see your weak side, walk with your head held high, and stop caring.’

Now I appreciate what they were trying to say. But I had something of an epiphany walking down to Wetherspoons the other night. I was walking with my head up, high. Trying to wear a mask that I am strong, confident and happy right now.  Then, a single, well timed glance down at the pavement ... and I narrowly avoided stepping in dog shit. Had I kept walking with my head high, I would have gone right in it.

Now maybe I’m just being a vagina but I felt this had a certain amount of poetry to it. If you’re always wearing a mask, always hiding, never facing up to anything; you’re going to eventually land up in shit. You can’t run away from something that’s inside you.

I’m not saying you SHOULD sit there weeping or kicking off or giving into your emotions completely. I cover that in my last blog. But – you should acknowledge them; because as simple as it sounds, you feel things for a reason; and if you’re feeling angry, or sad, or hurt... then you’re feeling that way for a reason.  Look at it, address it. Try and make it better.

Right enough waffle I’m going to actually update you on life goings on for once. I will try and refrain from mentioning the bad and focus only on the good.

I haven't done any photoshoots in a while - partially because of illness, partially because of poor weather ruining location shots. But this weekend I have two, very different but equally exciting shoots to look forward to (watch this space), and then on Tuesday I will be in Liverpool for the Britain and Ireland's Next Top Model auditions. Now; I have no aspirations to be BINTM - sure the swanky pads and the money and the lifestyle would be lovely; but it also has a very short lifespan. Coupled with bitchy girls and getting so much negative feedback you'd end up with a complex - it just wouldn't be for me. So why am I bothering to even go down? You get a goody bag of free make up for one; and, I guess, curiosity. 

Due to an expensive month (I won't go in to it) I'm a little skint - but I am still just as much passionate about new clothes and tire easily of my wardrobe. So I decided to dig some old clothes out and make them into something new. I have tonnes of old corsets, basques, that are gorgeous but on there on are a bit blah. So I'm trying my hand at textiles and dress making. I'm no Sophia Tolli but my first dress is actually coming along kind of nicely. I'm having a bit of an issue with some of the stitching looking a bit scruffy but hopefully fixing that tonight - again, watch this space. 

Aside from maybe being a writer; most of you will know my passion for work lies in counselling. I like listening to people, being able to help. I seem to be good at it. A favourite past time has become offering advice to people on reddit and other forums and it's always nice when you get a private message expressing gratitude saying I really helped them. I guess I'm more motivated then ever to be a counsellor and so have taken up a course/placement with CAMHS (Child and Adolescent Mental Health Service). 

Not much else going on really. I have booked a few nights in Dublin to escape for a bit. There's this place; I used to go a lot when I was a kid. A waterfall in the middle of the country side, beautiful scenery, ... and at the top of the waterfall, is a rock, shaped like a bench. It's a good place to go and sit and think. 

And that is that. I shall try and update again with [hopefully] good news; and pictures of recent ventures. 

I could start this blog talking about how shit everything feels at the moment and continue on the downward spiral driving you all away 'cus no one wants to be friends with that constantly miserable person who is always harping on about how the world is out to get them. Or karma. Or God. Whoever you feel the need to praise when it goes right but curse when it all goes to shit.

My last two blogs whined about how things aren't good for me right now; and while nothings really changed and things are very much shit - I am finally coming round to the following realizations:

• While a good cry sometimes make you feel better and gets it out your system; sitting sobbing for a week straight just leaves you dehydrated with a mess for a face. 

• Friends; good friends, will be around when you need them. But if you don't say thank you and instead keep up with the 'woe is me' attitude, they'll get urked. They'll probably still stick by you, but they'll also probably want to smush your already messed up face. 

• Constantly over thinking and over analysing everything you could have done differently to stop things going wrong only means you end up not sleeping; which means again, your face is a mess, and your also more emotionally vulnerable...  vicious cycle. It's also near fucking impossible to find an affordable concealer for the problem so basically resign yourself to the fact your going to spend the rest of your days as a panda. 

• Loosing your appetite just means you drop weight ridiculously quick - which okay a lot of people out there probably are wanting to do but it's not healthy and just don't do it, it really has no beneficial outcome and you end up fainting all over the place and having to purchase belts to hold your pants up. And I fucking hate belts. I'm also not overly fond of fainting. 

• The appetite thing also means that when you turn to alcohol; which in your state of misery is frequent and often - you get absolutely sloshed drinking very little. Money saver, yes. But dignity saver, no no. And cause of the whole emotional thing you'll probably cry easier and be 'that girl on the stairs' at every party. 

• You loose all drive to do anything. Which means you end up eventually not looking after yourself. Which leads to illness. And living in a pit. And looking a mess. Then your depressed about all these things.

• Expecting other people to handle a situation the way you would is only going to lead to disappointment. . Waiting around for the expected outcome is a waste of time and the longer you wait the more disappointed you'll get. Loose respect for them by all means, but do it quickly, and then move on. Waiting for your closure will have the opposite effect of giving you closure. 

• To summarize; wallowing is just one vicious cycle of being a skatty, skinny, drunk, and disappointed-   sad panda. 

Yes there's worse things in life I suppose; but there is also infinitely better things. So from now on I'm making a more conscious effort to appreciate when things do go right, to appreciate the people around me who are there; through the good times and especially the bad ones, and to man the fuck up, grow a pair and get on with my life. If I start whinging again then you all have permission to knee me in the bollocks I just grew.

I never met my grandfather on my dad’s side. He died when my dad was two years old. He was a sailor, his boat sank. I remember once my dad showing me a scrapbook with a newspaper article; something written by one of the survivors about how they had heard him screaming, he’d been crushed by a bunk bed, they couldn’t get him out so they ran from the sinking ship... and he drowned.

It’s a horrible way to go. But – other than that thought; I never really dwelled on it. He was a stranger; he died a tragic death, but he was a stranger to me. Even to my dad really.

It’s only recently I thought about my nan.  She was 23; nearly the age I am now.  I guess those days it was how it was done, marry young. She was twenty three years old; left with a dead husband and a two year old son to raise on her own. She never took her wedding ring off.... never moved on, found someone else.  It’s been over 60 years.

I always sort of never really clicked with her; because she was so miserable all the time. She hated the world and everything in it. When I was a kid I couldn’t understand, and even when I grew up a I didn’t really give it much thought. But now; I get it. Why shouldn’t she – she went through hell; and it consumed her.

Our lives and the events within them shape the people we become. We grow older, wiser, learn from mistakes and get to know what makes us happy. The important lesson is; don’t let it mould you completely.... you still have that control to choose the person you are.

I’m going through my own personal hell at the moment. Perhaps not on the same grand scale as my nan faced – but everyone’s troubles, regardless of how big or small, are still troubles. I know I briefly discussed it in my last blog and honestly; things have only got worse since then. I’m not going to lie I’ve been struggling to cope. I’m not in denial about the whole wearing my heart of my sleeve thing, and while generally speaking I can usually keep myself relatively composed if the time and place isn’t right; I haven’t been.

People keep acknowledging me and how shitty I look.  As soon as they say the words – “You look awful. Are you okay?” I can’t help but feel my eyes water and that traitorous bottom lip starting to quiver. If I try and mutter any semblance of words in reply it comes out in a high pitched noise so I’m just standing there, tears down my cheeks squealing at them. It’s not a good look.

The problem with emotional sickness like depression is in many ways it’s worse than the physical. You literally shut down. For a girl who normally orders a double burger with extra bacon, extra cheese and has a Mary Poppins bag of chocolate for snacking on at all times.... I’ve had no appetite whatsoever. The amount of food I’ve eaten in two weeks is probably equivalent to the amount I’d normally eat in two days. I don’t sleep at night anymore. Those rare bouts I do manage I wake in a cold sweat after a nightmare. I’m run down and then you feel worse because everyone’s going round telling you how crap you look. Which makes you feel more sad. It’s a vicious cycle.

I’m faced with several options. I could continue to wallow and hope that in the eventual future it will get better, it will improve on its own. I could give up completely. Or I could start taking control of my life and not let it mould me into someone I really don’t want to be moulded into. I don’t want to be the little old lady hating the world cus the world hates me. I want to smile. I want to eat and sleep and go dancing, laugh. That’s the option I want to choose.

One thing I have to say is when you are going through hell there is nothing more uplifting than other people. I can’t name you but I’m hoping you know who you are; you people out there – whether a grand gesture, or just a hug, an arm round my shoulder...  a text, a message. It’s helping so much. It might not seem like much to you but to me; it’s everything. Unfortunately it comes with a negative, when those that are there for you step forward, it makes it easy to see who didn’t. Which sucks; it’s never nice thinking someone cares about you only to learn they don’t. But I won’t dwell on that because I can honestly say it’s been a minority. So thank you to the good ones. The good people. I hope I never loose you. 

I don't really know what else to say. I don't want to harp on about my misery, I'm going to try and keep positive again from now on. It's going to be one step at a time and there's a big chance it will involve a massive change for me. I'm not a big fan of change; sure I like to mess with my hair style, try a new look. But, I like familiarity. I guess that's one of the things I'm struggling with at the moment, that something so familiar changed so suddenly, it was a shock. I physically suffered shock, then grief. Denial. Anger. Sorrow. ... I'm still working on the acceptance stage. 

But, time will tell I guess. Keep watching this space. 

Excuse my French; but things are proper shit right now. It always seems to be that when one thing goes wrong so does everything else – it all piles on you at once and you find yourself completely overwhelmed.  You don’t even know where to start to make things better.

It’s like that now. I was really excited about starting my new job – working so close to home – the shortest commute I’ve ever had. It didn’t seem too bad in the start either, a little isolated; and I was always busy. But busy isn’t necessarily bad. It was busy but able to cope – I was getting my work done but at the same time it filled my day.  Suddenly it’s changed. I’ve been landed looking after 6 new trusts – all of them different processes, all of them in tatters. I’ve never felt so completely clueless in a job before. But because you’re so isolated there’s no one around to even ask. Then the calls start coming; managers kicking off about various work. It’s not a particularly easy job to calm and angry manager when you know exactly what you’re telling them, you know the problem and you can explain it to them. Which makes it near impossible to diffuse them when you don’t know what’s happening. You feel like an idiot. They let you know they think that of you.

You should be able to pack up work and leave it; 9-5. It shouldn’t seep into your life outside. But it does. I’ve come home nearly every night this week and ended up a sobbing mess on Jake’s lap. I haven’t slept – because I’m worrying about what the next day will bring. Lack of sleep means you’re even more emotionally compromised. It’s just never ending. I’m so run down at the moment, feel ill. It’s just a mess. A job shouldn’t do that too you. I’m desperately looking for something else now.

There’s everything else too. My nan’s unwell; and I don’t know, she’s 87 so I suppose she’s had a good full life but – death is always horrible. There’s other little things too I’d probably rather not discuss so openly; but again the closest to me will know what's really bothering me right now on top of everything else. 

I guess it’s the only positive of going through hell. When you’re falling to pieces; you spot the ones who are there, gathering the pieces up ready to fit them back together. I’m truly humbled by some of the people I have the pleasure to know. I want to apologise to them; because I know being miserable all the time is annoying. It’s not me. I’ve been putting all my efforts this year into – seeing the positive side, living life to the full. Not letting stuff get me down.  I was doing pretty well too until all this (I think). I want that back.

I’ve been signed off today. Doctors ordered are lots of rest and nothing stressful. So I’m here – pyjamas on. Massive mug of hot chocolate. Writing. Writing always calms me down. Which reminds me; I’m writing for cracked now and I’m freaking out cus they gave me two weeks to do my first official article. Innovation is lacking. Or it’s not; but I’m bringing personal stuff too much into my writing so it’s about shitty jobs or people being let downs. Hopefully this weekend, something will come to me.

But yeah – back to me getting on track. After writing this I’ll probably go make myself some eggs. Then job hunt like a bitch this afternoon. Phone up every contact I have and find ... something. Anything. Once thats sorted – I can work on getting the rest of me back together.

To everyone hanging on to the pieces for me – thank you again. You best believe you’re getting epic hugs, cheesecake ... and my undying appreciation that I have you in my life.

I've been saying for a while I wanted to do something for charity - bigger than selling cakes, I'm not a fantastic runner, and my broken neck prevents throwing myself form a plane (for now). A few years back I tried to organise a Help For Heroes calender but for several reasons it flopped. I've learned from the mistakes, and I'd love to do that again but have it work this time.

The twist; sex sells yes. But I think comedy has a greater appeal.

Then watching Britain and Ireland's next top model gave me idea. The shoot was channelling your inner male.   Yes okay the styling here is expensive and it's all very editorial. But it wasn't a bad idea - dressing like a guy. Then I thought about all the guys who told me last time they'd like to be involved. My mental image wasn't the immediate one of Calvin Klein underwear models with their gloriously photoshopped bodies and rugged five o'clock shadows.


Instead, it was quite an amusing one - of the boys, doing exactly what the girls had done. Pin-up. EDIT: Like this http://www.petapixel.com/2011/10/04/men-photographed-in-stereotypically-female-poses/

I can't speak for anyone else - but I wouldn't rush out to buy a calender of greased up six packs. I WOULD rush out to buy a calender of a bunch of regular guys, with regular bodies - having fun. Lying against a wall with their legs crossed above them, or straddling a chair. But then not all guys would, so the girls can get involved and do the opposite. Masculine style shoot with a comedy edge.

This is in very early stages, and it will be a 2014 calendar so there's plenty of time. I will be funding all the costs for printing, promotion, make-up and togs and all profits will go to a charity that's un-yet decided. Any suggestions feel free.

I'll be looking for both girls and guys to get involved. If we have more interest than that or if you want to take part but are nervous and would rather do it in a pair then by all means sign up. This won't be a naked calender. If you want to get naked then go for your life but it will be 'art nude' - we want a family friendly calendar! It also doesn't have to be underwear - again if you're comfortable with that go for your life. If you're not - that's fine. Most importantly you don't have to be a model/have any experience modelling/have 'model looks'. The more varied the better.

It's going to be about having fun; no one should feel nervous at any point.

Anyway; as I said - super early stages. But if anyone's interested, either in being a model or helping behind the scenes; drop me a message/leave a comment/text me. Just get in touch :)

So; mini little life up date. The closer of those to me amongst you will know I haven’t been too well of late; and I just wanted to say a huge thank you to everyone who wished me well; texts, messages and visitors. It’s been hugely appreciated.

As a result of it I’ve been out of the loop a bit but I’ve been putting it to good use. Health scares tend to motivate you like nothing else and I’ve been doing lots of planning for the ahead. It’s increasingly obvious work wise I’m not really enjoying the job. It’s hectic, disorganised. It’s business driven. It’s not ‘me’.  Even if it takes me a few years, I’m going to work to be doing what I want.

TO DO LIST

• New car – the micra is now reaching it’s final days. Which is sad – it’s been a good car and served me well. I’ve got my eye on a few cars atm but I think this one is going to be the winner.

• Counselling course – Getting back to the path of a counsellor. It’s me. It’s what I like doing and it’s what I’m good at doing.

• Looking after myself better – before my op I’d started running. It was going okay, I’m terrible at running and I absolutely hate it but I finding it easier after doing it. But it was random. Weather doesn’t help yet but I need a proper routine. I’m also looking into starting climbing – if anyone’s interested coming along?

• Travelling – I really want to see as much of this world as I can while I’m on it. I want to see it all, try it all. I don't have an issue living out of a bag. Saving fund started.

They’re the main points on my list (for now).

Anyway, brief little blog  more on me. I could sit and bleed my thoughts of late to you. But I’m not sure you’d want to read. It has been a week that’s opened my eyes to some things I didn’t want to believe but I guess I had to see. There’s so much I could say. But it’s not for tonight.

Tonight; recovering from yesterdays drinking session, still. Followed by Matthew Street with good friends tomorrow and then anniversary with Jake on Monday. I met him when I was 17, five years ago... and it seems like a different lifetime... but yeah I'll not got all nostalgic and just say it's going to be a good weekend. 

So we had this icebreaker thing in work today for the benefit of the new staff. Personally I think the best ice breaker is some vodka and a game of ‘I Never’ because nothing breaks ice like dirty little secrets and alcohol. But alas – we did a profiling task. You answer a few questions about yourself, emotional intelligence – basic psychometric stuff - level 1 Psychology. Then you get your results and you have to read them out to everyone....

No ice got broken. A few peoples self esteem’s maybe. But anyway, the results were kind of interesting;

Your results show:
You Have Strong Relationship Management
You have the ability to inspire and influence others and sort out conflicts that arise. You have a good sense of empathy, and can make others feel at ease when they are upset or angry.

You Have Weak Self Regulation
You sometimes manage situations poorly because you are often too impulsive, which means your choices can be reckless. Take some time to think about decisions before you make them. 

The strength they got down to a tee. It’s why I want to be a sodding counsellor because I'm good at it. But yeah, that's a different rant for a different blog. 

The weakness, I do think I’ll agree with what they’re saying.... but personally, I don’t really think impulsiveness is a weakness; and if it’s my biggest one, I’m quite happy about that. Impulsiveness can be the difference between life and death. If someone steps infront of your car; you don’t sit and contemplate whether slamming on your breaks will hurt your neck or the best angle to swerve to minimise the risk of hitting a tree or flipping the car. You just act. You don’t see someone about to get shot and think how you’re going to dive infront in the best angle to not get hit more than a flesh wound.

Okay, extreme cases I know. Most people will not on a regular basis (if ever in their lives) find themselves in such a situation – but shush I’m making a point.

I don’t think it’s stupidity, even if sometimes; the actions it makes you do aren’t the smartest. If you see someone you love getting jumped by a gang – you know jumping in is going to end in a black eye, or worse. It wouldn’t stop me though. Not for a second.

Then I kind of thought about impulsiveness and realised it’s all about emotion – essentially, it’s about heart before head. Instinct before logic. That is something I’m guilty of. Wearing my heart on my sleeve. Something I’d probably describe as my biggest weakness. Because I am not capable of holding back my emotions – if you’ve upset me, you’ll know about it. If you’ve pissed me off, you’ll know about it. If you’ve made me happy... you’ll know about it. I’m a terrible actress – I can’t pretend I’m okay if I’m not. On those days where I feel like shit; I’ll look like shit. On those days were I’m happy; I’m grinning. Grinning like a dickhead.

So now everyone in work knows – I have a good read of emotions, I have good control over other peoples. But no control over my own. I guess, when you put it like that, it is sort of a weakness. 

But anyway, little mid-week ramble. Life updates - soon. Ish. Maybe. I don't know, shit's boring at the moment; and anything not boring is for the time being .... for some eyes only. 

I posted on Facebook the other day about recruitment – and learning it’s not what you know but who you know; and it’s true. Okay granted some jobs like doctors or anything medical really yes; obviously you need skills. Obviously you need a certificate that says you know what the hell you’re doing. But for other roles the degree isn’t all that. Looking at my own career path the roles I’ve got have come from knowing someone and good networking. Since graduating I’ve never gotten a job by applying online. I’ve got it by hearing about it through someone I know; registering my interest and falling into it.

Likewise half the time we interview the candidate will know someone; either on the panel or just working at the site. It’s probably the best way to get work these days. Hell I got offered a job in CERN just because I emailed the head of Recruitment there got chatting to him - and he offered me the job, because I had the initiative to network. When 100+ people apply to a job, and you sit reading application after application; there’s nothing distinctive. Even the ones with impressive achievements on their CV blend into the background when you’ve read so many – or you forget who did what. Having a face, a person. Chatting to someone of the books is far more effective than a piece of paper because we formulate impressions on people not on what we read about them but based on observation of them and interactions with them – but not necessarily in an interview environment. Because interviews people aren’t themselves. For one they’re a bag of nerves, and they’re display observer bias – they act how they think the panel want them to act.

How’s my new job going? It’s – different. Until now the biggest office I’ve ever worked in was eight people (myself included). There’s somewhere in the region of 70 people here. So getting close to anyone is hard. Everyones come over with their various teams; The Royal, Aintree, Alder Hey .... they all came over in groups, already a team. I came from Clatterbridge alone - and I do feel very aware of it. 

It's a nice office though, lovely view, I’ll give them that – and there’s a noticeable difference in travel; it’s ten minutes away. It means I can get up later. I can go to bed later, and I get home sooner. All in all it means there’s more ‘me’ time. Which is nice. I’m on top of the housework – the flats looking nice pretty much all the time. I feel less tired coming home from work – so I can go for a run, and keep on top of my fitness. From the outside it's more ideal. But still I feel unsatisfied at the moment. I really feel like I need a fresh start.

The problem  though with wanting a fresh start is you can’t pick and choose – it’s all or nothing. Wouldn’t it be perfect if we could pick up all the people we want in our lives and take them somewhere else and start fresh, but still have good friends? Or stay in a good job rather than going back to square one. But if you want to really start fresh, you have to go back. You have to take a leap of faith, away from your comfort zone into the unknown – and you have to do it alone.

That’s where all problems stem really – big decisions offer require taking a leap of faith. You  can spend weeks, months, years of your life – standing on the edge. Ready to jump but still – frightened. Scared that if you jump, you’ll fall. That jumping is the wrong choice – especially because if you jump – there’s no going back.

At this point I’m decided whether to finally make the jump; just takes courage – or maybe, someone has to push you over the edge. 

So today was my last day working at Clatterbridge Cancer Centre. I’ve only been there four full months but it feels longer.  Starting tomorrow I’m the Recruitment Officer for Capita. Capita is a HR Shared Service that looks after 13 different NHS trusts. Nervous more than excited – but we shall see.

Leaving Clatterbridge was kind of odd. Maybe because my move is a transition but the work isn’t actually changing; it doesn’t actually feel like I’ve left.  Got some lovely presents though – beautiful bouquet of flowers, Prosecco... and aswell as a joint card with all the good luck messages; the only colleague I’d really bonded with gave me a separate card – which kind of meant more to me than the rest of the stuff put together.

 It’s a nice feeling knowing you made a difference to someone else. It doesn't have to be much. You don't have to do much to be able to make someone happy; or in this case 'keep them sane'/ 

No one knows the meaning of life – to keep your genes alive through reproduction? Or to set your name in stone, to be remembered. There are some who don’t care how they’re remembered it’s simply the being remember part – Adolf Hitler for instance is probably one of the most recognised names in the world – but he isn’t remembered for anything good. Nevertheless, his name will live on. Other people do it through acts of good – trying to make peace. Trying to save the world. It would be nice – don’t get me wrong – to make that massive impact. To be remembered and for the right reasons. 

But sometimes it’s enough to know you’ve made that impact on just one person. You might not have changed the world, but you’ve changed their world; for the better. Sorry – pure cheese? Yes it is. But still; it’s something to aim for. Realising you can’t change the world, you can’t save it – not on your own. But it doesn’t mean you can’t change it for someone else. If you're lucky enough to find someone you care about ... then you'll realise how effortless it is too. Making them happy becomes as easy as breathing. 

And on that stinking with fermented dairy product note – I’m off to get ready for my new job tomorrow. Will do a more journal, less cheese blog soon. 

So, it’s been exactly a year since I graduated. Which is kind of strange. I can remember it like it was yesterday, but also feel like it’s been a lot longer. I’ve been getting nostalgic all week with everyone uploading their pictures and talking about their own graduations.

What a year it’s been. I’ve moved home twice. I’ve had bad news; and good. Lost and gained friends. Some completely new people; others I’ve just got closer too. Which I’m grateful for. I’ve been to Dublin, and Turkey, and am in the process of booking Rome for my four year anniversary with Jake. On the job front I’ve gone from being a HR Administrator, to a HR Officer and I’ve just secured a position as a Senior HR Officer. I've turned down a job in Canada, and Switzerland. I’ve had all my hair cut off, and am steadily trying to regrow it. This all to name a few things that have happened this year; it’s been quite full on.

One thing that finding out I wasn’t very well benefited was my perception of time. A year isn’t really long at all. Time is speeding past and I can’t believe we’re already closer to next Christmas than last Christmas. But then, in the short space of a year everything can change. If someone had come up to me on my graduation day and told me where I’d be and what I was doing – I wouldn’t have guessed this. Am I where I wanted ? I’m not really sure. The whole career ambition was to be a counsellor but I knew that couldn't happen in a year anyway, it takes more time.

So what's actually going on with me? As I said I've just been promoted to Senior HR Officer, I'm currently based over at Clatterbridge and while the setting is nice enough, the 45 min + drive there and back every day is killing me. I feel constantly tired. I'm spending a small fortune on petrol to afford 200 miles a week. So luckily this promotion means moving over to a site in Bootle which; according to Google maps, is a 7 minute drive from home. I'm definetely looking forward to not having the commute.

I also have an interview for a Mental Health Psychologist role. While what I'm doing now is good, steady work and admitedly something I'm good at - I miss Psychology. I still spend nights sitting on the net reading various articles and studies. But the closest I've come to acheiving my counselling dream is being a shoulder to cry on for friends. Which is fine. But yeah. If I get this job it will put me on the right path - and with any luck - by March 2014 - I'll be Dr Sally Davies, EMDR Practitioner and Psychologist. Fingers crossed eh.

Not much else to report. I'm still pushing for a camping trip but the weather isn't really allowing it. Other than when I went on holiday - my summer clothes haven't come out yet. Theres a box of floral dresses, shorts, sandals and belly tops untouched at the back of the wardrobe. Normally by now that box is filled with coats and wooly jumpers. I'm pining for sunshine. Or another holiday. A logner, holiday, maybe a more permanent holiday. Who knows, this time next year.... I could be anywhere.

One of the best holidays of my life to date; and (not that anything was wrong with Alanya it was beautiful) - but proof; that it's very much the people, not the place. <3

I haven’t blogged in a while because it’s been a hectic few weeks. 


As you probably know from the six of us absolutely raping your newsfeed with photos and comments about it – we have been to Alanya, Turkey. We spent a week over there filled with sun, alcohol and laughter. In fact I can’t remember the last time I’ve laughed so much, there were tears and pulled stomach muscles most nights. I would say it was the best holiday ever; had I not been to Thailand. 


But Thailand wasn’t just a holiday, it was a different world. There are mild culture differences in Turkey, Thailand is just unreal. I want to take THAT group of people over there; because that then has potential to be beyond amazing. I'll do a proper holiday blog later but for now the rest of the life updates. 

As soon as the holiday was over I was back in work (literally 6 hours later). I’m good at what I do but it’s becoming clearer each day I don’t have ‘work satisfaction’. Don’t get me wrong I’m happy to have a job because I know some people would kill for just that. But I want to help people; not tell them they’re getting made redundant or that we can’t employ them. I’ve been researching opening my own practice as a practitioner. I’ve got the capital backing for the property itself; I just need some financial input for the training. I want to practice EMDR – eye movement desensitisation and reprocessing. It’s a fantastic treatment for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder with over a 90% success rate. There are over five million sufferers of PTSD – even just being able to help a handful of those would make me happy. 


I also had a bit of a scare this week. While out having a few casual drinks with friends I fell ill. It was a very strange experience; I was sitting there and everything seemed like it was in slow motion – people, the conversations. It was all slowed down. The only thing going fast was my heart. Painfully fast.  I knew I needed to get out of there so I stumbled to the bathroom; hoped splashing cold water on my face would do the trick. That was one of the last things I remember. The rest is in bits. Familiar voices; and unfamiliar ones. Pin pricks, being jostled. Next thing I know I woke up on a stretcher, covered in nodes with an alarmed looking Jake by my side and it was suddenly daytime.                                                         


In the bustle of life you forget how fragile it actually is. You can tell yourself all you like burning the candle both ends won’t hurt you. But it will. It is fragile. So there’s no sense wasting it having petty arguments or being upset things aren’t going your way. Wasting your time on people who don’t have the time for you. Wasting it adhering to the rules and stepping on eggshells trying to keep everyone else happy. There’s no point spending it trying to get everyone’s approval. Spend it doing exactly what you want to do – because it’s YOUR life.  

Everyone wants to be a superhero; whether you're three years old or thirty. It's one of those fantasies that you know will never happen but you always have a little pine for.

But the thing about superheroes; there's more to them than inhuman abilities or lots of money to build gadgets. That's not what really makes a superhero. The running theme through superhero films isn't super powers or spandex. It's sacrifice.

They give up the girl. They give up a chance of 'normalism'. They give up their lives.

They're willing to go against what they want; for the greater good. In that respect it's not really easy being a superhero, because sacrifice isn't easy. Giving up someone you love, giving up something you want; or taking a risk and giving your life - it's courageous, and brave, but certainly not easy. But they do it because the it's the right thing to do, and it saves everyone else. Its being selfless, taking one for the team. Thinking about it, it might be a cool life, but I don't think it'd be a particularly happy one..... Though one thing that can be said for superheroes; they would do make good friends.

I've come to the conclusion the biggest problem with people is options. We have too many... There is far too much choice. As a result of having so much choice; we can't ever really decide what we want. We find ourselves conflicted; what occupation shall I have, what style should I adopt, what hair colour should I have, where should I go on holiday. Who should I fall in love with? It's just never-ending. It's why mistakes are made. Choice creates so many problems. How can we possibly make the right choice when there's so many options. I guess there's only one bit of advice I can give. 

It might not always seem logical. It might not always seem 'right' or 'good'. But if it makes you happy, then chances are, it's the right choice for you. 


So anyway, update on life. I’ve now been working at Clatterbridge just over a month. It’s flown and at the same time it feels like so long ago I was at Huyton.  I think that seems to be a theme with most events lately though, New Year seems like so long ago and at the same time I honestly can’t believe it’s already May.

May however means that this month is holiday month. I’ve never been away with a group of friends before; well, discluding school trips and things. I’ve only ever holidayed with family or just me and Jake so it’s something I’m really looking forward to. A break will be welcomed; as will sun, sea, and all inclusive food and drink. I've been pining for an escape for a while, hopefully, this will be it.

My car is reaching the end of it’s life at the moment too. The micra was the first car I ever drove, and for in honesty, it’s done a lot for me. I wouldn’t have the job opportunities if I had without the ability to drive and my own car. Public transport to Clatterbridge would be about two hours and involved two trains, a bus and then a 20 minute walk. I’ve been contemplating an upgrade for a while, and then last week on the drive to work my brakes went completely. I was incredibly lucky that there was no queue of traffic on the slip road coming off the motorway. I was doing 60 mph approaching a roundabout and not getting any slower. Instinct must have kicked in because I quickly changed from fifth to second gear which brought my speed down, and then yanked the

handbrake which brought me to a stop. A very screechy, smell of burning rubber stop. But a stop all the same. Then as a I sat there my heart beating so fast I thought it would explode out my chest I felt a little proud that I’d managed to handle it quite well, instead of panicking and then either shutting my eyes or bailing. My brake pads are being repaired – for a very discounted price since the evening before when I’d taken it in to get the strange grinding noise coming from my brakes checked; I had been informed it was mud in the pads. But either way, I’m looking at getting a new car this summer. If anyone’s looking to buy a new ‘first’ car then drop me a message – brand new brake pads on the micra and generally speaking 
it’s a very good car.

Not much else has been going on. Had a lovely bank holiday weekend, 
Sam came down (or is it up) from Burton for a night out in Liverpool. It was this time last year we were facing our final exams and taking revision breaks in the pub; and a lot has changed since then. It's good to know even with life changes that the people don't change. I think it’s one of the signs of a good friend. You can’t always stay in touch as much as you’d like to – work gets in the way of nearly everything and life is just busy – but the good friends are the ones who come through for you when you need them; no matter how long it’s been since you last saw each other or spoke. The good friends are not the ones who only come through when they need something from you; and some people would do well to remember that. Anyway, it was a lovely night; a very alcohol filled night; something I am still recovering from; but a good night all the same. 

The next thing on my agenda to organise is a camping trip. I haven't been camping since I was; ten? Maybe even younger. It would be a completely different experience now; and I want to get away. Nothing sounds more appealing that being in the wild, camp fire; stars. I miss stars. When I was a kid I would go into the garden, climb onto the roof of the darkroom and just stare at the stars. It helps but things into perspective. No matter how large your problems seen, when you look at the size of it all; you realise how small little it all is in the grand scheme of things - and once again, it will be another escape. 

... I'm all about the escaping right now. 

I've spent the last two nights looking at old photos. Everything from baby pictures, to dodgy haircuts of youth, to awkward young teen poses; to discovering alcohol and the start of 'drunk photos'. Some of them hold incredibly fond memories. At the age of 15-18 I took my camera everywhere and documented every day out, night out, everything. Despite my status with some of the people in those pictures now; they still make me smile, because at the time, I was happy. I was laughing. I have good memories.

It makes me smile that some people in the background of my photos, who at that time were strangers, now are so important to me. It makes me smile looking at photos of me and Jake before we were dating; thinking back to how we where then, and where we've ended up.

I think the point I'm making is that photos are good; and honestly, it makes me quite sad that I don't take as many pictures these days. There's plenty of 'Ohh look what I bought, look how cute my bunny is being or look what I'm having for dinner, yum' - but looking back at those pictures; they hardly hold a memory. A fondness.

So from now on I vow to be snap happy. I don't care if it's going to annoy everyone at the time; because ultimately, everyone is going to look back. They're going to smile. They're going to laugh at what they were wearing, how there hair was. They're going to remember what was going on at that exact moment in time - and it's going to hopefully, make them happy.

The days are starting to blend at the moment. Life has become a monotonous cycle of working throughout the week and finding myself too exhausted to do anything; followed by trying to pack as much into a weekend as possible while getting up to date with all the housework I've been too tired to do during the week. Or in other words; according to my mum; "Life from now on."

So what's going on in life from now on. My last blog I discussed the decision about moving to Canada. I was still torn over it but the deadline came and I made a tough decision. It would have been wonderful. Beautiful location; a fantastic job opportunity. A chance for a fresh start. But things are a bit of a mess here. The sort of problems you can't run away and hide from. Packing up a tangled and messy life and moving somewhere new would mean starting a new life tangled and messy. I want to iron out the creases before I can start again.

The job is going; better. I still miss my old work and the people but I feel I'm settling a bit better; finding my feet a bit more. There's more potential with this job to climb the HR ladder and I've been told in a year I could be looking at a HR Manager title; with the added bonus of moving over to the Liverpool side. I'm not going to start getting hyped because like I said, that's a year from now, and a lot can change in a year.

A lot has changed. This time last year I was sitting my final exams; it seems like not that long ago, and at the same time, seems like a lifetime ago. The people are different too. I've drifted from those I was closest too then; some partially distant, uni friends moving back home, others, it just sort of happened. I'm having a uni reunion in May which I'm really excited for because a select few of that lot I really do bloody miss. I've got closer to people too though; people who were in my life then, and are in it more now; and I'm glad. I'm lucky to know some amazing people. I'd especially like to give massive kudos to the lads I've spent the last few weekends with.

Anyway, I know the blogs lately have been kind of dull and slow - but hey, that's life at the moment ha. May is bringing a few exciting things; uni reunion and of course, the holiday - so things will hopefully, be a bit of a better read from here on. I'm also taking steps on sorting my life out; part of it is dull - joining the gym and doing sports... bleurgh... but I want to sort my fitness levels out and tone up; and laser eye surgery to stop blindness. But part of it is pretty exciting. I won't say much for now, but well, keep watching this space :)

It's been a bad day. I couldn't sleep last night. I couldn't stop thinking. Just lay there stewing in my thoughts. Then this morning when I got into work; I went for an x-ray; an x-ray to find out if my broken neck from two years ago was all healed up so I could take part in a skydive, they uncovered a lot more breaks. I am literally falling apart it seems. 

Mentally too; I feel unhappy at the moment. One of the main problems is; well – have you ever been dumped? More so when it’s been a surprise. When you’re still in love and want to work things out rather than just give up. Even after all is said and done you still find yourself hoping they’ll call, say they made a mistake, they want you back. That’s a bit what I feel like with my old job.  Granted I’ve been lucky to find work as quickly as I have, and it pays significantly more too. I should be jumping up and down. But I guess the truth is; this job feels like a rebound. Sure he’s flashier and better looking; but he’s just not the same as the one I love. That’s what it feels like. I miss it so much. The people, the banter. Even the routine I had. I set my own efficient system up in that place – it meant I was on top of everything and everything ran smooth. Here is all operates so differently. No one speaks. There’s no banter. There’s not even chit chat. My old team knew every corner of my life; what I had for dinner the night before, what I was doing on the weekend. Which friends I seeing, which friends I had fell out with. They knew Jake and his life. And I knew them, their friends, their partners and lives. I think when you spend everyday with people a similar age, a similar living situation and similar personalities you can’t help but bond. Part of me is hoping they’ll call and say they need me. Or, I don’t know. Everyone here gets the sack (except me) and my old colleagues can come here. It’s childish, and its stupid, but I can’t help but want it.

Don’t worry this isn’t a ‘woe is me’ blog because like I said, I’m lucky to have any job. For those of you who don’t know; I’m the newly appointed HR Officer at Clatterbridge Cancer Centre. On the Human Resources Ladder it’s a step up from my old job; with the next rung up being Management position. I had the job interview on my birthday and was asked to start the next day. A very quick transition, left the world of work on Friday, was back in by the Wednesday. This is only a fixed term position until August so the hunt for a permanent job is still on. My options are still swayed between sticking around and moving to Canada. Everyone I spoke to has encouraged the move (so much so I’m wondering if they want rid of me). Kidding, I think. I do want the adventure, the excitement, the something new.  But I don’t want to set myself backward. If I move, and it was only for a year or so; then in a year’s time, I’d be back where I am now. Trying to find work, trying to find somewhere to live while probably living with the parents and no offence to them, but just no. I’m past the point of being able to live with any figure like that in my life. My relationship with them is better apart.

That being said, I need to get away. Even if it’s not necessarily as far as Canada, I just need to escape. I was so exciting about moving to Waterloo because it was close to friends, central to everything. I didn’t think about how close it was to the people I don’t want to see. The people you run into every weekend even though you’d rather never see them again. The same old people cropping up over and over. The drama of it all. At one point I let myself get really worked up over it all. Really upset or angry. I’m past that, I do my best to just not get involved. It still makes me weary though. I just want to escape it. 

One of my favourite things to look at in Psychology was the disorders. Schizophrenia, Multiple Personality - it absolutely fascinates me. The more experience I get in life though; especially lately; the more I realise. They're not disorders, not really. Some people just have it worse than others, more potent. Because the amount of times I hear people say; "They've changed." Friends fall out, relationships fall apart; and one of the biggest reasons is this personality switch. People start acting differently. I've experienced it myself; a dozen times. It's the reason I've fell apart from some friends, its the reason some relationships have broken apart. Just last night I found myself getting upset by a friend's reaction I wasn't expecting, something out of character. Or maybe it was in character. I don't know anymore. 

I'm not even sure of myself. I was looking at my tattoos before and it got me thinking. The reason I chose a swallow was they're monogamous birds. Once they find their mate they mate for life. It's the whole, soul-mate concept. It's romantic. It appeals to me. My other animal of choice is the rabbit; who are definitely not monogamous. They hump anything with a pulse. In fact, they hump things without a pulse; I've had a few unfortunate soft toys in my time. Granted the fact their horny bastards isn't why I like rabbits - but it's odd that the two animals so different should appeal the most. I guess it's confirmation that nothing in life is black or white, there's always grey areas. 

Or maybe I'm just talking shit because I'm miserable, drinking my own bodyweight in tea and eating a lot of doritoes and the remainder of my Easter eggs. Who knows?

I figured I'd write one last blog today; my last blog as a 21 year old. What a year it's been. I won't do a big reminisce but if you know me, you'll know it's been a busy year. Hell it's been a busy last few weeks. I said I'd update you on everything properly soon so here we are:

Starting with work. Friday was my last day of work with the Five Boroughs Partnership NHS team. I arrived into work to find a gorgeous bunch of flowers sitting on my desk. From there it only got better, we had cakes and spent most of the day reminiscing. By the time 3pm rolled around we were called in for a meeting; which ended with everyone presenting me with a card, a bottle of wine, and an £80 Pets At Home voucher for a hutch and a rabbit. By this time I was fighting tears. Not to say I was expecting anything; but at most - it had been, a bottle of wine, or the flowers. Not even both of those. But I really hadn't been expecting that much. Following our meeting we were dismissed and we all headed out for drinks. I'm going to miss my team so much. They were, and still remain, some of the nicest people I've ever met. I guess the fact we got on so well, really clicked, kind of had given me this security I'd be working with them for a long time. Sort of a; 'meant to be' complex. But oh well, I'm grateful for the time I had with them and I really hope we can still keep in touch.

Rabbits. Anyone who knows me even a little bit knows I love bunnies. I've been wanting to get another one for ages but waiting on a cage. But voucher in hand we went down to the pet store, got a cage and a little black ball of fur who I have named Valentine. (I think you need to know about my passion for FFVII to get that reference.) At the pet shop a different bunny caught Jake's eye, a bigger silvery white one.  The cage is big enough for them both and I suppose it's nice to give them company so we ended up heading home with two bunnies instead of the one. It's made me so happy. Just doing day to day things like sitting watching telly but having something to cuddle and give you affection. It puts a smile on my face. I think it's what I've needed for a long time something to look after and now I have just that.

What else has been going on? Well, job hunting. I covered this in the last blog. My decision still isn't made from then. But I'll be making it tomorrow. I've had an interview for the job and it's been left on very good terms. Tomorrow there are a few - 'formalities' but I'm quite hopeful. Plus it's my birthday so I'm hoping it will turn out lucky for me. Canada decision is still unmade due to unforseen complications, not to mention now having rabbits. But I always say, everything happens for a reason. In the meantime I've been doing quite a bit of modelling. The one benefit of not having work is you have time for shoots. Agency work is quite busy at the moment; lots of places wanting adverts for new summer things so that's kept me going. I did my first body paint shoot last week too. An experience to say the least. Being covered head to toe in black paint - it was bizarre. It kind of felt like a costume. It was definitely an alter-ego for me. The pictures so far look good though, very freaky but quite powerful. It's  something a bit different for my portfolio anyway.

Not much else going on. The holiday is creeping up on us; a week in Turkey with Jake and friends. I'm excited for that. I've never been away with friend before as such so should be an experience. The holiday shopping has started - but it has however left me with one dilemna. Monokinis. I really like them. I might get one for the upcoming holiday - but does it leave with some seriously dodgy tan lines? Answers please.

A lot has happened since my last post. Not that long ago everything was going to hell, now it's back on the way up.

Tomorrow is my last day of my job. I don't think it's hit me; it feels like I'm just going on annual leave, not permanent. I'm going to miss the people I work with so much. We all just gel; we have random but hilarious conversations and it just seems like we're on the same wavelength. I'm really going to miss them. I haven't secured another job yet because I've been presented with several options and I'm undecided which route to take.

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I-

I took the one less travelled by,

And that has made all the difference. 

The first option is a job; essentially the role I'm in now, only closer to home and a higher salary. Ideal really. Good for someone looking to settle down. A permanent position in Human Resources giving me enough money to get by plus a little extra for those rainy days. It's the obvious choice. The path most people would probably take.

The second.... a job working as a HR Advisor to an Assistant Director for a newspaper. A big responsibility; but an exciting one brimming with opportunity. A fantastic salary too. A starting salary of 38,000 .... dollars.

Yeah, that's the catch. Option number two means moving. Moving quite far. Canada in fact. At first it wasn't even an option to me; but suddenly it is. The one thing that's really keeping me here is willing to pack up and come; and I realised, there isn't much else here. Not in a horrible way. I love my friends and leaving them would be sad. But I mean - Waterloo, Liverpool, England. I hate that everyone knows everyone. That if you don't like someone you run into them constantly anyway. The same old people crop up. Even without that, it's the same old routine. Adventure isn't easy to come by in Waterloo. And adventure is something I sort of long for. It's still not completely decided, it depends on the next few months, but if I know this is going to be the view from my window... I think I definitely am leaning towards a Yes.

Wow right? Anyway, I have loads more to fill you in on. A lot's happened. It's been a busy few weeks. But for now, I have to go make dinner. So I will blog again soon. Watch this space.

Time for a reasonably happy blog after last week's couple which were about as cheerful as a Eulogy. 

The biggest event of the last week has probably been Jake's birthday. 23. It kinds of freaks me out when I think he was 18 when we met.  Anyway, his birthday was a fairly quiet one. A nice breakfast/lunch in the cafe down the road followed by shopping and then an evening in with a few drinks. But it was nice. Hopefully he enjoyed it; I did. My main gift to him was more art on the canvas that is his body the day before. While he went off for a day off getting inked I had a girly day with Viliam after a quick morning session and brand new 'do at Hooka. 

Shopping followed by a shoot. I'm going to do a massive shout out professional wise to Vil here because the shoot was a very last minute favour. She came down, and did my make-up without brushes. It looked fantastic. It was a shoot in my flat of an evening so no daylight and with only normal room lighting. The results of it were fantastic, so massive kudos to her for doing a job equal to and even better than some togs who have all the tools. 

The one benefit of having time off work is I can fit a lot of shoots in. I'm doing my first underwater shoot this week for Purple Magazine. I am very nervous, there's so many variables. You have to hold your breathe for 3 minutes minimum at a time. You have to keep yourself submerged and fight naturally floating upwards. You have to hold your eyes open. But the worst part, you have to concentrate on making facial expressions and poses WHILE doing all this. Don't get me wrong, I'm really excited as well. I'm also doing my first body paint shoot with the lovely Darren whom I worked with last year. All in all, quite a hectic week. 

As for 'real' work. I've managed to secure myself some interviews. The first for a HR Supervisor position in Whiston. It's close to where I worked before in Huyton with a very similar job description (just a bit more money). It's a very safe option. I won't be taking a step out of my comfort zone. The second job is the other end of the spectrum - graphic design. It's a bit of a funny one. As graphic design goes I would label myself as 'okay'. I can put together a poster that's better than you're cliche WordArt fonts made in Publisher. I have reasonable skill on photoshop. But this job asked for someone with a degree; and some photoshop experience. In that respect I think it's more of a teaching job, it will be a learning curve and that's exciting - something new but also useful. Anyway, we'll see what the future holds. 

I guess the next big thing to look forward to is my birthday. It's a bit of a difficult one. I know whatever I do it won't really top last year. Thailand, a spit roast pig on the buffet, live music, cheap drinks and dancing. The only thing missing really was friends. This year it will probably just be friends around for drinks, maybe go out for food first. Which is fine. More than fine. It's lovely. I'm looking forward to it. 

Finally a little bit of promotion. This evening was spent watching the wonderful Meadowhead, Jake's new band. It's very different from the usual rock'n'roll and to be fair it's probably not everyone's genre of choice but nevertheless they manage to captivate an entire bar full of people with their folk/acoustic set. I fully recommend going down to one of their gigs, and not just 'cus I'm dating the box player!