I know my last blog was all about how you shouldn’t have a plan, but I’m going to be slightly hypocritical here and say I need one. More so just, directionally.

Option One

I’ve been offered two jobs in HR. One is a 35K salary but requires moving to at the very least, Manchester if not further. The second is 27.5K and is still in Manchester but central so I would be able to commute. Both sound fantastic really, high salaries, and HR is something that jobs are always going to be in. It’s ... practical. But it’s not something I’m passionate about. I can’t really see myself being happy in it, it’s not creative or especially helpful.


Option Two

Counselling. I’ve always wanted to be a counsellor and still do. I’m naturally drawn to people who are upset and wanting to help them. I’ve always been the friend people go too for advice and my whole attitude about how none of us are perfect means I pretty much have a non-judgement policy on anything I get told. BUT. It would mean either moving to London which financially isn’t fantastic, nor the fact I’m very much settled down, or a further 4 years in LJMU, which again financially isn’t great, plus I feel it would crush my soul.

Some people have said, “If you want it bad enough, you can manage that”. But the truth is, I want a house and a family and kids more... which would make option one ideal. Is it worth risking career satisfaction to achieve other goals?


Option Three

A writer. I love writing. I write all the time. I usually think of stories in the shower or when I can’t sleep and then try quickly scrawl them somewhere ready to write when I get a chance, by which time new ideas have formed anyway. Again however, this is a ‘risk’ option because out of hundreds of writers out there few of them ever make any real money from it.


Option Four

‘The business plan’. What’s the closest I can get to being a counsellor without all the training? Open up my own practice and manage that. With counselling, plus holistic health, I’d hire the staff that are already trained, use the money made to fund my own schooling and get work experience while I manage the place.... shadowing my own staff. I’ll need the capital but I’ve worked finances out and it is definitely do-able. It is risky. But I feel there is a lot of demand for what I could create. It incorporates everything I love too. It’ll involve writing, helping people. I can be as creative as I like, it’s my business to shape and mould. I can promote it myself, design posters, signs. Model for it. Decorate it myself (I have a fondness for interior decorating). I just don’t know whether to take the risk... or go with “safety option one.”



I’m going to publish this one on Facebook because I would really appreciate the advice of people here. Which option should I take? Should I take any of these? And why am I craving eggs?

How many people do you know who say “I want my first time having sex to be special.”


Now, how many people do you know who say, “My first time WAS special.” Half the first number... if that?

The plain and simple point I’m trying to get across here is, there is absolutely no point in planning. Your first time, yeah you can know the guy for as long as you want. Light as many candles as you want, wear the sexiest lingerie and have Enya’s greatest hits playing in the background. The bottom line is it’s still going to hurt, it’s still going to be awkward and it’ll still be over in 5 minutes.

I’m not just on about sex by the way this planning – it applies to all life’s concepts. Anything you lay out to do ends up not going to plan. Those ‘amazing nights out’ that have been planned for months end up being shit. It’s the spontaneous ones that are the best.

And without fail you’ll always hear people say – “I planned to do loads today and I haven’t.” Or “I haven’t got nearly as much planned done.”
Obviously I appreciate some things have to have some planning – weddings, holidays – you can’t just pack your bags, turn up the airport and go. (Well you can but meh- shush and don't be pedantic)

But generally speaking having a plan is a concept I don’t want to have anymore. I want to be surprised by life and what comes. By where I go, who I meet. What I end up doing. I don't want to be disappointed I didn't achieve everything I had planned to by the time I'm 30. I'm not saying I'm loosing ambition, or hope. I WANT to be married with at least one kid and a steady career by the time I'm 30, but its a want only, not a plan.

I realise I'm waffling now and I've said the word plan far to many times so I'll leave it there but the general point - don't ever get too upset when things don't go to plan. Everything happens for a reason .... so just go with whatever life brings.

I really don’t understand Formspring. Well I mean I understand it but I don’t see the attraction. An opportunity for people to ask questions. Surely if you’re friends wanted to know something they could just ask you in person. It seems more an opportunity to anonymously insult people so really getting one is like painting a target on yourself. And then occasionally people anonymously ask really deep or really personal questions and since it’s clearly not someone close to you I’d find myself saying “Stop being a nosy twat and GTFO”.


But then the curiosity of exactly what would some people ask if given the chance to anonymously is an enticing one so maybe that’s why they do it. To see exactly what people would say to them if given the chance. Hmmm..... I guess I am kind of curious.


It became known to be today my blog has a shockingly low number of readers. I’m not sure it bothers me since I’ve always written more for myself than for others. But I would like to know if its a case of people not caring what I have to say or simply that they don't know I even have a blog. I've never really advertised it much so maybe thats it.

Not else to talk about really - Valentines Day. I guess its like marmite - you either love it or you hate it. I can appreciate hating it when your single, but I think a lot of people forget; its about celebrating love. No one specifically said romantic love. Granted its become more of that, but I think people should generally celebrate love in friendships rather then get down about being single. It's a bit of a grey area for me. I've always loved Valentines Day - when I was younger a day devoted entirely to celebrating love seemed so romantic - I would swoon and wait for the day when I had someone to celebrate with. Now I'm older and in love, I still enjoy it - presents, going out for a meal, being all loved up. Who wouldn't enjoy that. But I think also, because I'm in love, I think its not something you should devote one day of the year to celebrating. Its something worth smiling about everyday, being in love, and having that love returned. Cliche soppyness? Perhaps, I am a hopeless romantic. But that feeling ultimately is what makes you the most happy; that someone who was a stranger becomes your reason for living, like the air you breathe you need them. You had a long life before them but its all a haze because you find yourself thinking how did I live before this?
How can you live when part of your soul was missing?

I'm waffling on now I think. I could talk romance all night. Forever. But I won't bore you. So, Happy Valentines Day to all my readers - I hope that you all find love somewhere, even if it's not necessarily the romantic kind. xxx

Had a shoot with the lovely Viliam yesterday. Makeup - you say it to a guy and they shrug, you say it to most girls and you'll get some "Oh my gawrsh I love makeup have you tried this new lippy its fit, look at my nail varnish". etc.etc.

But I think I'm growing a certain amount of respect for it. It does have massive power to completely change the way you look. Its like surgery without the price tag.


If you're talented enough you can create any look - and make someone - anyone - feel fantastic about themselves.

I think aside from this photo on the left, a massively brilliant example of this is http://www.celebritieswithoutmakeup.net/

A website dedicated entirely to showing actually just how non-special and normal and often sometimes actually quite ugly celebrities look without makeup.

I'm not saying everyone looks ugly without makeup and some people are probably going to start calling me shallow or something now, but it's more about actually taking a minute to appreciate just what makeup can do!

I'll get off makeup now. Plan 9 are recording today. I'm really pleased, it's been almost a year since they got together now with countless people asking to hear proper recordings. I've had to make do with videos off my camera at gigs which aren't always fantastic. Once we get these, I forsee a much brighter future for them :)

Right I'm off - dissertations to do! Thailand is ever-looming now so I really need to get myself together and get my work done!

I’m ill. Really ill – I can’t remember the last time I felt this badly not including hangovers. Headache, blocked nose, sore throat, temperature, aching bones and queasy stomach – the full package. Not to mention exhaustion, I feel permanently tired and the slightest task leaves me feeling like I’ve just done 3 hours at the gym. It couldn’t have come at a worse time. It’s something like 45 days before I go to Thailand. Excited yes but panicking because that’s also 45 days to complete my dissertation and all the other assignments I have. I wanted to smash the results section of my dissertation this weekend. Results are my downfall always because I’ve never been good at maths. Words, I’m good at words. Words just flow. But numbers leave me confused and I could spend hours just trying to figure out a few of them. And that’s when I’m not feeling like a tonne of bricks have been shat on me.

So instead I’m lying in bed, sniffling away and trying to be productive as I can while feeling like this. Probably not succeeding because as much as enjoy writing them, a blog is not productive and isn’t going to help me pass uni.

I had a bad week last week too, it’s left my mind reeling. I lack trust due to a wealth of bad experiences in the past being betrayed, used and generally walked over. As a result I don’t actually let myself get too trusting with people. There’s a select few I share things with but the real stuff that has the potential to go bad if it gets out stays with me and me alone.
Aside from past experience – the reason I don’t trust people is because people are just that. Humans. And humans tend to fuck up on a regular basis. God knows I’ve done it, I haven’t spent my life being a perfect friend, girlfriend, daughter, sister, colleague.etc.etc. The difference with people however is that some people try, and others do not.
I do my best to be a good person; I’m not without my faults. I don’t always succeed. But I’ll always go out of my way for someone. I will always protect someone I care about at any cost, I’ll be an ear to listen, a shoulder to cry on. I do my best to get on with people. Putting others first isn’t really an issue for me, especially if I love them. For example even though I felt like shit yesterday, Jake trapped a nerve in his shoulder, was in immense pain. So I made him all his meals, dried him after his shower, gave him regular massages, got him hot water bottles, painkillers. It left me absolutely wiped but it wasn’t important. I think that’s the stuff that matters. No one’s perfect but the people who try and be good are the ones you want to keep as friends.
Anyway, last weekend ‘a friend’ stabbed me repeatedly in the back. At first I was so upset. Not even it was her, I was never particularly close. It was just something so horrible and unjustified I couldn’t understand why. I tried to seek out a reason from people who knew her better – and her friends said, “Because that’s what she’s like.” They said it so simply, no surprise. She does what she has to, to get what she wants. At first I was still kind of horrified. But the more I spoke to people, the more I found myself smiling. She’s not popular with anyone. Just one person defended her by saying she’s just “ambitious.” Every single other one expressed distaste, even ones who should have been sticking up for her.

And it kind of made me realise. It’s not about how far you get in life, in your career, with your ambition. What matters is the way you’ll be remembered. I like to think behind my back people say mostly good things. There will always be anomalies, always someone you don’t get on with calling you for all sorts. But friends, they should be able to smile and say, “She’s a nice person.” And that’s what I care more about. I mean I could be wrong, everyone could be slagging me off. But I think some, hopefully, think good about me.

... So take your new job, and enjoy it. I hope you’re happy while the world around you hates you. I'm happy just having my friends thanks, oh, and having tits.

Here we are, the finished piece. Well truth be told its not completly finished there's a few gaps round the back but this bit is done :)

Looks sexy no?

Hopefully it will heal fast, Jake's a little... cautious after he's just had a tattoo. There's a very strict no touching rule. I don't blame him of course and obviously I'm not going to be outright grabbing it but its in such a bad area to not touch, even in a hug or in bed.

Its got me itching for mine, but I am going to be sensible and wait until after Thailand at least. From now on the only things I'll be buying are holiday clothes; and even then I won't be going overboard with it. The dilemna being I need money now and therefore a job but I also need to knuckle down to university work and get a 1st if I want a job in September, so its be skint now and ok financially then .... or be ok now and potentially skint then.

Not that I've decided what I'm doing yet. I'm settled in Liverpool so have ruled out anything that involves a move, but then to be honest I want to do something I'm passionate about which would be counselling. But its not going to happen so different careers. Well I've mentioned writer but thats not realistic either. Maybe a journalist. Or combine the two and be an advice columnist... I'd like that.

For now I think I'm just keeping with modelling, slow but steady. Got a few shoots lined up with Viliam which I'm really looking forward to. You always leave feeling good about yourself after one of her shoots. She wanted to do a Christian Dior style one ....

Floral themed dresses (I especially love that black with  pansy petal one) and then very bold makeup. It's different to the usual sort of glamourous but natural makeup I've had really in any shoot I've done so its definetly something I'm looking forward to!

Oh and on a final note - Jake got me tickets to go see The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus. Its funny there one of the few bands I actually introduced Jake to and not the other way round. I remember being about 15 and spending virtually entire days listening to Face Down on repeat. I used to love it, still do. Perfect song for when you're in a mood.                                                                                          "Face down in the dirt, she said, 'This doesn't hurt', she said.... 'I've finally had enough'."

More to talk about but I'm tired so I'll bid you adieu and write more tommorow.