I love getting cards for occasions; when they’re right. When the card fits you and you can the person’s put real effort into it. They’ve stood in that shop to find the one right for you. I always put that much effort into my cards; and so it’s nice when I see people have done the same for me. Its for that reason I don’t do Christmas cards for anyone expect parents and partner. It’s a nice sentiment but 100 matching cards to everyone just sort of defeats the object to me. I’ll wish my colleagues a merry Christmas, buy them a drink on the works night out, but don’t bother with cards.

As for family I send a newsletter type thing to my family over in various parts of the world. Basically a – here’s what I’ve been up to in 2011, the highlights. This year I’m putting it in my blog too. It will summarise the past year nicely for me and bring me nicely into 2012.

So here we are; 2011 - the highlights

Jake's 22nd/My 21st
We celebrated our respective birthdays at the end of March a few days between one another. Jake's band played a gig on his birthday night (also St Patrick's Day) and for mine we had friends around the flat as on my actual birthday I'd be on holiday for the actual date. Both ended up being brilliant nights and I was super glad to see all my friends before I turned 21 and headed off on my holidays.



Thailand
The big one. We set off on 28th March for Manchester airport very weary of the 14 hour flight ahead but excited none the less. Once we actually touched down in Bangkok it was a taxi ride to Pattaya where our hotel was. Thailand is amazing; it's not just a different country. It's a different world. As soon as we arrived I found myself constantly tugging at Jake's arm; "Look at that!" "OMG Look there." I was taken aback. I did so much in those two weeks; from shooting guns to riding elephants. Massages, spas, sun, sea, sand, alcohol; CHEAP alcohol - it was total bliss. It really is a paradise; especially where we were. They were streets that were as wild as Vegas with booming nightlife and bright lights; and there were islands with white sands and turquoise waters. The balance was lovely. I loved days going shopping or for long walks along the coast to return and get a full body massage for pennies. I won't say more about it; just that it's somewhere I'd recommend to anyone. It's difficult to pick a highlight from the holiday but all I know is it's definitely somewhere I want to go again. 

I also turned 21 while I was over there and after a day of being well and truly spoilt by Jake we celebrated in the evening with a rented out bar that offered my own band, a buffet with a spit roast pig as the centre piece and me being showered with roses and cake. Not to mention a million odd balloons. It was an amazing night and definitely a 21st to be remembered. The presents were amazing too, a beautiful Swavorski crystal necklace which remains to this day one of the most beautiful things I've ever seen, and two astounding canvas paintings.

Graduation
When I returned back from Thailand it was time to knuckle down and get my exams done. My dissertation had already been completed and I was pleased to get a 1st for that. Results day came around and I received my 2:1 BSc (Hons) degree in Psychology. I was thrilled. Graduation turned out to be a lovely day. After a somewhat long-winded ceremony; myself, Jake and my family went for a lovely meal. I got some absolutely stunning presents too; a beautiful black ceramic diamond ring from Jake, white and black diamond earrings from my mum and a DSLR camera from my dad.

The New Job 
I started working for the NHS in July in the Human Resources Department. At first I was taken on as a data input temp - the work was pretty dull but a job's a job so I wasn't ready to complain. I soon found myself advancing however. I started in recruitment initially, carrying out pre-employment checks - CRBs, taking up references. That advanced further. I started working the reviews doing interviews for jobs. It wasn't exactly my 'comfort zone' but I found it so helpful. I'd be furiously scribbling down interview answers for my own benefit. It's so interesting to be on that side of the interview. To see the panel dicking around once the candidate has left makes you realise interviews aren't as scary as you think. Seven months on in the job I'm enjoying it so much. The team are amazing, truly nice people. I've got quite a lot in the way of responsibility from recruitment to maternity; and really, there's always something new. It's so versatile you don't get bored. HR is definitely an area I can see myself settling in.

The haircut

I know what you're thinking. A hair cut is a highlight of my year, really? It's not really the actual process of the cut it was the change it signified. This year has been so full of change. Leaving education being the biggest blip. I've been a student since the age of 4 so for that to go away - it was major. With everything changing around me I wanted a change of look too. I thought about dying my hair but there's not much I haven't done colour wise. A new cut seemed like the option. Hair modelling is kind of a tricky one; as a modelling job you don't get payment; but the hair cut, colour.etc is free so I suppose you get that out of it. The problem though is you don't get a say. You can't walk in say "I want to be a hair model but I want this colour and only take a few inches off". They get creative control. I was scared. But then people kept reminding me - whatever he does, hair grows. Colours can be stripped. So if you end up with a black short and sides, it's not the end of the world. He cut it short, but kept my brown just adding highlights. And I love it. It's so much easier to handle and I do think I suit it so I was happy.

Modelling
I found with the new job I had to turn down far more shoots. Most photographers want to do Monday-Friday, daylight hours for optimum light. It's something I can no longer offer so I found myself saying no to a lot of work offers. The few jobs I did make time for whether either well-paid or people I really wanted to work with. (Or hair modelling). Here's a few of the years pictures and a massive shout out to all the togs and MUAs I've worked with this year.

Growing up
While birthday's tend to have little effect on the way you physically feel; I do feel like this year has been the one I've matured the most. Living in a flat that wasn't student halls was a major for me. Having to account for things like bills, keeping a home tidy. Just general everyday stuff that becomes integral to life. Obviously getting a new job; I've worked before but only in shop jobs.etc. Never a career. Driving my car again - I passed my test when I was 18 but living in town the past three years, I've never needed a car. I've gone from that to owning my own car which comes with things like insurance, road tax, petrol. It sucks but then I can't really argue, having a car is beneficial for work as well as other things. As for next year; me and Jake are settling down in the town we call home; Crosby and Waterloo. It's where I grew up and it's where our lives are. Settling down means mortgages; and they're scary too. Growing up is expensive. But - it's exciting. I feel happy. While I miss not having some responsibilities, others I'm revelling in.

The end
Summarising the year is always hard; trying to cram an entire year into one blog without missing anything major is obviously difficult and there's obviously a lot I haven't included. But all the above have been the major events of 2011, with definitely Thailand being the major highlight. It's been a good year with many events that haven't been mentioned. Friends have been important this year, and I really am learning who the good ones are while whittling out the bad. I've had some amazing times with the amazing people in my life.

It should be an exciting year - I've got my list of achievements all laid out and anyone interested can view that here; http://salleh2012list.blogspot.com/ 

Happy New Year to all my readers, all the best for 2012!

 I’m sort of freaking out about just how quickly this year has gone. I mean, it’s November already. The end of November. Fuck. When did that happen?

I feel like time has sped up since adulthood. When you were a kid everything took so long. My parents have some rather well off friends who live in a house between Little Crosby and Formby. I used to love going there and playing hide and seek across the 6 floors and in the field of a garden. But I distinctly remember always napping in the car on the way. A long, refreshing nap. I drove past their house yesterday. It took me less than 10 minutes to drive to from my parents house. Definetly not time to even fall asleep, never mind feel refreshed from it.

Part of it I think is you’re in a constant state of excitement when you’re a kid, always giddy for the next thing. OH MY GOD IT’S CHRISTMAS, OH MY GOD IT’S NEW YEAR, OH MY GOD IT’S MY BIRTHDAY, OH MY GOD IT’S SUMMER. Your entire life is like a countdown to the next exciting event. Not that I don’t look forward to the above things now. But it’s different – I’m not bouncing off the walls anymore. I look forward to Christmas, NY, my birthday. But I can wait for them too, it’s when you can’t wait for stuff time seems to slow; and when you can it goes hurtling along.

But I guess the one positive is no matter how fast it’s going it’s full of suprises. Last year if you’d asked me where I’d be, what I’d be doing with myself; my answer wouldn’t have been remotely right. I probably would have guessed doing a masters like I was expecting, or if I was working, something more along the Psychology route. Never HR. But there you go. I just sort of fell in to it and I’m enjoying it so it’s kind of comforting to know you don’t need a set plan for everything.

So with that in mind, this time next year who knows where I’ll be. That’s kind of exciting – something to look forward to? Maybe. But I’m not going to get too worked up for it. Unless I want time to slow down, then I can test that theory. 

On a somewhat related note (not really but time... blah blah)... I really want a pocket watch. 

We were talking about maintaining composure in work today. How difficult it is sometimes to hold back and not say what you really want to.  Especially in HR; unfortunately when the shit hits the fan, it always flys off and lands on HR, regardless of how little input we’ve had in it. When that happens, and you’re getting shit for something thats not your fault, it’s very difficult sometimes to not bite back.

We were also talking about Dawn French in work which sort of comes into the topic of maintaining composure. Everyone was going on about how good she looks for loosing all that weight. But to me she doesn’t look... happy. And I don’t blame her. Divorcing a husband of 25 years. It’s still a concept I can never get my head around. I’d struggle if my relationship broke up and thats just over three years; so I can’t begin to grasp how you’d deal after 25 years. 25 years of spending every day with someone, sharing all your thoughts, sharing everything; sharing the showers you wash in, the bed you sleep in. Being naked infront of them every day. Being 100% yourself with them every day. How do you even begin to deal with that not being there anymore? Even if the spark was gone. Even if the passion, the romance. There must be something after that length of time holding you together. I can’t get my head around it. My heart goes out to her, and my respect for managing to maintain her composure. Because I would be in curled in a ball I wouldn’t want to roll out of.

That’s the problem I think with getting close to anything. Enemies who are strangers are a lot safers than enemies made from friends. Because friends know such more about you. They know your weaknesses and insecurities, they know what to do that would hurt you the most, or annoy you the most. The closer the friend the bigger the potential danger. Same goes for a relationship, the closer the couple, the worse the break-up would end up being (if it happened). It’s a lesson I’ve learnt, only open up to people who open up back to you. Because if you pour your heart out to someone but know nothing about them there isn’t anything to stop them spilling it all should you fall out.

I found out earlier this week a lot of shit that happened a few years ago was as a result of a former friend of mine. At first I was furious. It suddenly came to light and I found myself in a rage, wanting to go and confront her; to say – what the fuck where you thinking? Why would you do somehting like that? It hurt more because she did know me so well. We had been close, she knew my secrets, she knew the thing that would hurt me most, so she teamed up with the people she knew I didn’t like to try and make it happen. It was so messed up, so twisted. Then I pondered it a bit more. Luckily, even though the shit was a hassle; it didn’t cause too many problems. I didn’t get hurt, just a bit frustrated. So essentially she ‘failed’. It was a long time ago as well so I’d sort of gotten over it, was there any point dragging it all back up sheerly to satisfy the curiousity of why anyone would do something so twisted for  no apparent reason. I sort of new the answer, it was for kicks. I knew because I watched her do the same to others. Sat back and observed as she tried to mess with other peope for the sheer fuck of it. So it shouldn’t really of come of as a surprise when it all went to shit for me she was the one holding the puppet strings. I guess in the end after my anger had subsided that the only thing left was pity for her, and mild satisfaction that the things that bring me my kicks are spending time with people, nights out, nights in. Nice stuff; and that’s exactly how I want it to be.

Slightly lighter note and less dravelly bit now. A tip for all ladies out there. You know on a night out when you’re getting hassled by a boy? You tell them you have a boyfriend - .. “So?” You tell them you’re a lesbian – interested only increases... tell them you’ve got  an contagious illness they usually just laugh. Sometimes the only way to get rid of them is to outright scream FUCK OFF in their face, and I’m not a fan of that. I’m not really a rude person, unless they’re being a dick in which case no hesitation. But if they’re nice enough and just eager I feel bad. Well, last Friday dancing the night away in the Krazyhouse, I found the ultimate repellent.  Wear a ring on your ring finger. Sounds too simple doesn’t it? I didn’t think it would work either. But I had 100% success rate sending them running by just waggling my hand when they came near. I actually mean running. I might aswell of been waving a hand grenade at them. They scarpered. So if you want  a hassle free night with the girls pop a ring on and get waving. (A hand grenade may also work.)

I've been reading over my old blogs and I sound so miserable lately. Okay granted it's not been without reason but I just didn't like it at all. So I haven't had the best luck lately.... so what? I was thinking about this the other day. I hurt my foot. I thought at first it was broken toes but the doctor confirmed it's just pulled tendons. I say that like that's massively better, it's not. But anyway; so I was moaning wondering when I was going to catch a break and stop being sick and/or injured; and it kind of hit me. Never. I've been this way my whole life. I'm clumsy. I always break. It happens. Same way meeting knobheads in life is unavoidable, because not everyone is a nice person. You just face it and get on. I did a sort of new 'about me' thing fairly recently with the change but I feel like everything's changed since then so this blog is going to be another one of those type things. Sorry if that's boring. But I figure if you're reading this you're bored anyway so :)

 

A RECENT PIC
Since my last one of these there has been a big change. My hair. Yes I finally took the plunge and allowed to chop it all off. I think changing my hair came nicely in time with the big change in my life. I do like it; it's a big frustrating how quickly it grows, but free haircuts mean its not too much of a hassle.

AGE
21 but feel so much older. Somehow I've landed myself in quite a grown-up job. Yes okay I know I am a grown up, but things like sitting in an interview room or being in charge of well... anything really; it's a big responsibility that makes me feel older. I guess with everything going on I've kind of been thrown in the deep end and I had to grow up quick. As long as I don't get the wrinkles and grey hairs to match, I think I'm coping.


OCCUPATION
I've landed in the NHS as I wanted but working in Human Resources. I say but in terms of I guess wanting to be a counsellor/psychologist sort of implies that's where i would have ended up in the NHS but no, HR it is. I do like it though. Apart from the responsibility and stuff it's a good job and lots of variation. I work in recruitment, from putting jobs on nhsjobs to taking successful candidates through the recruitment process; and things like interviews and liasing with heads of service comes into that; which is always interesting. Their the main aspects I guess. I guess I'm still pining for counselling but sitting through review interviews for Mental Health I really got a feel for just how difficult it is to get there; and stay there. I'm starting a course in EMDR which will be a step towards the counselling side of things but a large (sensible) part of me is thinking counselling should be something on the side for me and staying in HR would be wise.

Outside I'm still doing modelling. My dramatic haircut was part of modelling for HOOKA and since getting the chop I've had a lot of interest from places. Unfortunately, working full time weekdays means I am somewhat restricted to shoots so I'm not doing as much as I'd like. I have a few exciting ones lined up though that will be worth taking the time off for.

I did get an invite to the auditions for BNTM. I really did enjoy the show this year, it's the first time I sat down and really watched it. I'm not sure it's for me though. I love shoots, and when it brings the cash in that's always good. But it's not a secure career. It's not 9-5 knowing a paycheck will be coming in at the end of the month; its not knowing when you hit your late 20's if you're still going to be wanted. Or when you settled down and want to have a baby. It's just not something I've got enough drive for, family is definitely higher on the ambitions list.

PARTNER

Still Jake, hasn't changed., not likely to change if I've got anything to say about it.  I guess I've been thinking a lot about couples and relationships lately. It's so insightful watching other people's relationships. They're all so different, some are fiercely independent, others rely totally on each other. Some harmonised, others argue a lot, and yet the majority of them are happy. It proved my theory so much that there's no such thing as a perfect couple, partially because perfection is subjective. But sometimes times are shit, you're going to argue and fight because that's life. Perfection doesn't exist, you just have to hunt for the closest thing to it.



PETS
Sadly Simba passed away meaning my pets are down to 0. Charlotte has bought a bunny though, a gorgeous beautiful little thing with such character. I know she's not mine but I guess I'm sort of like an aunty I guess. While she's away in Paris I've been watching her, and I've just fallen in love. I really love the feeling of having something to look after, to be responsible before. I guess; I like being depended on. It's nice.

FRIENDS
I think one of the reasons I was getting down so much in the past few months was friends. Not as in, it was their fault. But between illness and always feeling knackered with stress I didn't go out much and I never actually realised just how much I did miss people. When things got really, really shit though; it was a little overwhelming (in a nice way) at how much they came through for me. One tearful phone call and I was surrounded by an army of people saying; "Hey, we're here for you." That was lovely. It helped more than anything I think. When you feel like I did, I think the scariest thing was feeling alone. It stopped all that. Then Halloween was lovely seeing people. Everyone having fun, laughing and messing about just left me with such a good vibe. If I've learnt anything over the past few months; it's no matter how shit you feel don't be a hermit, because going out will make you feel better.



WHAT'S TO COME....

The years nearly over. Which frequently blows my mind. Where has this year gone?? It's been a very busy year; my 21st and Thailand, graduating, leaving uni, moving out the flat, starting work in 'the real word'... it's been a big one.  In terms of short term there's still a few events left for the year, little things; nights out, concerts. Obviously Christmas/NY and all the events that come with that.

Next year; I don't really know what it holds. I know the number one goal; buy and move into a house in Crosby/Waterloo. We've gone over the finances, and honestly, we're not all that far off now. It terms of deposit I've managed to save about half of it. By spring/summer next year we should be ready. I guess hand in hand with that is the new level for the relationship. When we moved into the flat everyone gave us "You're going to break up or end up killing each other because of this". Well, we didn't. Sure there were arguments, but overall the whole experience was a contented one. We lasted the full year for the most part happy; our biggest problems came from other sources which ended up bonding us.

Apart from that I really don't know what the year holds. I'd love to go back to Thailand of course but that may have to wait a couple years more. I guess thinking of it, if you asked me this time last year what I'd be doing now; I wouldn't have given the right answer.  So who knows, take it as it comes and fingers crossed there will be a little less injuries.



To finish ...  advertising. Plan 9 are playing tonight at Stamps Too. Quite possibly it will be the last gig of the year for them, so come down and give me someone to get drunk with :)

A little opening note about tattoos. I can't get my head around, when in this day and age, with the massive amount of incredibly talented artists, readily available in numerous locations in towns and cities across the country for perfectly reasonable prices; that appalling bad tattoos that keep cropping up. My Facebook news feed is full of them. Are you getting your tattoos from blind men? Or artists (and I'm using that term lightly) that have Parkinsons? Seriously people, fork out and pay the extra little bit - its on your forever, you'll pay £70 for a pair of heels you'll wear a dozen times, but you won't pay the same for something on your body for the rest of your life? Seriously, what the fuck?

And if you're one of the people on my Facebook reading this knowing you've posted your crap tattoo up recently and want to get offended, go nuts. I look forward to hearing your side of the argument.

Right, got that off my chest. Now - life and shiz. It's good I guess. A lot, lot better than it has been. My health is returning. I've still got the hernia but its so much better, just limited on heavy lifting, which suits me fine anyway. Work is returning to normally, crazy busy, lots of interviews but rather be busy than jobless. I think the biggest change has been mentally. I was down in the dumps and I was boring myself being miserable all the time, never mind the people around me. I'm just trying to be positive.

In between that trying to get back into the swing of my old life, I've missed people so much recently, and while I've saved a fortune not going out much, I think I'd rather have the company than the money. I've seen a fair bit of Charl which is lovely; though it does make me miss the flat more. She just got a bunny, and she's gorgeous. I forgot how happy the rabbits used to make me, simple things like stroking a rabbit is such a pick-me-up. I spent Sunday playing with Chip and near enough constantly going 'Awwww' at her sheer adorableness. Halloween is fast approaching and I'm excited to see everyone then too. I'm still having costume stresses - for the first time since having my hair cut I'm finding it a little frustrating. There isn't much that suits this hair costume wise. I was going to do Alice in Wonderland but short of wearing a wig I would just look odd. I'm sure I'll come up with something in time, even if I have to reuse one of my many old costumes.

On the topic of hair I got a handful of pics back from my Hooka shoot. Not my favs - I miss Viliam as a makeup artist (nevermind full stop). But makeup wise no one I've worked with even compares, even on proper editorial shoots.

Finally a little note about my course. As you probably know I work in HR at the moment. And yeah; dramas aside I really enjoy it. Without bragging, I'm pretty good at it, it comes quite easy to me. Admittedly I have a fantastic team who are just nice people to be around, that always helps. I've been doing interviews a lot lately though. There's a big review process going on in the NHS which means lots of people are at risk from cutbacks.etc so we're reinterviewing them all for the right to stay in the job they're doing. It's a horrible process and I feel for them; but doing the Mental Health interviews more than anything has made me pine for it. Hearing all these counsellors and therapists talk about what a kick they get out of their job, I realise its what I'm still longing for. So I spoke to the head of service for advice; and this is what brought EMDR into my life.

EMDR stands for Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing. In a rather small nutshell, its about taking  a memory; usually a trauma of sorts, and relocating where its stored within the brain so it's not triggered as frequently. Putting it lightly, its moving it to the back of your mind. You maintain the memory, you just don't think about it as much. It's a fairly recent therapy, but so far its success with things like Post Traumatic Stress Disorder have been amazing. In a few years it could be the number one treatment for it. So I've been advised to study EMDR - it might give me an edge over competitors, especially when it gets popular. Aside from that I just think its fascinating, and if it can help people then even better. I can't wait to start.

Incase I don't write for a while; Happy Halloween everyone.

I like PostSecret. Sometimes it can be a little depressing. Last week much of it was about affairs or being in love with the wrong person which wasn't that great. Stuff like that always makes me sad, I guess being a romantic I always want to think of love positively. But anyway, more often and not the secrets and sweet or amusing; or something you can really relate to. For me, it was this one this week that made me smile.

When you ask someone to describe beauty; you'll probably get the 'girl with the full lips, doe eyes, shiny flowing hair and curves in all the right places'. Some people will say beauty is scenery, a sunset or a field of flowers; and yes, these things are beautiful. 

But to me something I will never, ever forget, as being possible the most beautiful thing I've ever seen, is the look on Jake's face after the first night we spent together. He was smiling; his mouth only slightly upturned but his eyes absolutely dancing, with creases all around them. The same lines he gets when he laughs, and that will always remind me, it always makes me happy seeing it, because it reminds me of that face. That's what this Postsecret reminded me of, and its but me on a little high for the evening. 'The Simple Things' 

Things are a lot better, I think. Work; the situation hasn't been resolved as such but more removed. If only temporarily; it's still nice to get away from it all. Health-wise I've been a bit better, healing processes are slow but moving none the less. I am pining for life to move forward. I feel a little grounded where we're living now and I want nothing more to get our house and start our life properly. 

I got my hair done for Hooka Hair's Autumn/Winter 2011 look. When I arrived, they asked me do I want the autumn look or the winter one. Intrigued I asked what they meant. Colour wise autumn was browns, oranges, reds. Winter was white and silver. Now in terms of visually on a model, white and silver looked amazing. But I thought about outside of modelling. On the street a 21 year old rocking silver/white hair would look weird. Only Final Fantasy villains can pull that off at my age. 

So here we are; I don't have the official shots yet but the colours I'm rather quite fond of. I wasn't big on the make up. It was too OTT. I know the that probably visually it looked quite dramatic which makes for a good picture. The length I'm really getting used to. It's so much easier than having long hair (boys have it so easy). I will go back eventually, I can see myself growing to miss long hair, but for now I'm happy being short. 

Next on the agenda is Halloween. I said last time I wrote about not having plans yet. But I've managed to wrangle together a venue for a party. Now I just need to sort a costume; which is proving difficult. Costume shops these days rip you off. A decent costume sets you back £40 minimum. I could probably make something on my own I'm just lacking inspiration somewhat. Fingers crossed it'll come to me in time.

Everything else is fairly quiet. I'm driving again. Insurance has raped me, a £1500 quote being the lowest came as something of a shock but I didn't really have a choice, and fingers crossed it will be worth it. I should save money on public transport, or more likely, taxis. It will make work a lot easier, I had to do a three mile walk the other day through Warrington on account of not having my car. I'll have more freedom for things like Photoshoots; and I can taxi Jake and his equipment too and from gigs and band practices which will save us a fortune. 

Things to look forward to: Halloween, Alice in Wonderland VIP at The Tate, Glenn Hughes gig, Christmas? 

But most importantly, inching closer to the dream :) 

As you probably know, either from having seen me in the past few months; or reading my blogs – things have been pretty crap of late. Really it seems like since I moved out the flat I’ve had nothing but bad luck. A situation in work meant that the office became an untenable environment for me. As if that wasn’t bad enough, I fell ill with blood poisoning from a root canal gone wrong. It completely knocked it out of me and left me drained. Then the rabbit died. Jake got me the rabbits following a rough patch a few years ago; it’s a well known fact having an animal makes you feel better – stroking is therapeutic and having something to look after gives you purpose. So for Simba to die when I felt low again was a real blow. At this point, down in the dumps and wondering what else life could possibly throw at me, it threw the biggie. It threatened the one thing that really was my world – and that shock me more than anything. Sleep went out the window and I permanently felt butterflies in my stomach. Not the pleasant sort.

I wrestled with this problem for a few weeks; it got gradually better as I escaped away to Dublin for a few days with Jake. And talking to people; whether it was a counsellor or friends did make me feel better too. But I still couldn’t get rid of the horrible feeling in my gut. Like an instinct of something bad to come.

Then on Thursday I couldn’t sleep, again. This time however it wasn’t due to worrying. I had a pain in my side I couldn’t ignore. So Friday prompted a trip to the emergency doctors.  At first she was a little confused, there wasn’t an obvious medical solution. But when I told her I had been stressed she suggested a hernia.

I’ve always associated ‘hernia’ with aging men lifting something too heavy, so when she said it I was a bit taken aback. She went on to explain, if your stressed, significantly stressed; you’re tense. Constantly. Stomach muscles aren’t meant to be held tense all the time. My stress put stress on my stomach, and ta-da! – hernia!

I guess hearing that, finding out I’d given myself a hernia was the biggest kick in the stomach (no association intended). I’ve always believed ‘everything happens for a reason’ so I guess I’ve been sitting around waiting for the bad stuff to end. It doesn’t seem to be happening so I guess I’ve decided to step up and take control of it all. I hate being miserable. It’s boring, and it’s certainly no fun for those around you. It’s clearly taken a toll on my health, and consequently I look like crap of late. I hate it. I haven’t been out in ages, mainly due to health. I haven’t done much at all.

So as of tomorrow, I’m not going to wait for all this shit to pass, I’m going to give it a boot up the arse and out my life, and actively make it better. Next weekend I’m going out. I’ll enjoy the company of the people I care about. I’m going to go into work with a smile on my face, and be an adult about the whole situation, be the professional one. I’m going to work my ass off to get the future I want as soon as I want it.

I’m pining for Crosby/Waterloo. I can’t wait to move back there, to a house. My own house. Decorated how I want it. Living alone with the one person whose company I never grow tired of. I guess through all this, through everything that’s happened, the only one thing I really have held onto is just how much Jake means to me. I guess I should hold on to that. That through all the bad luck....I’m lucky to have found someone who can be my rock through it.

I promise next time I write; it won’t be miserable. It will be positive. I’m not sure what it will be yet. Maybe something about Halloween. It’s mad, this time last year we were living in the flat planning our Halloween party; such a brilliant night. Part of me pines to be back there. But longing for the past will never get you anywhere. Life’s changed. Admittedly the change hasn’t been that favourable so far but I’m going to change that, and fingers crossed; there’s lots to look forward to now.  

I'm finally starting to see light at the end of the tunnel. Things aren’t perfect; or at least, as back to normal as they could be, but they’re starting to clear. Stuff at work is getting back to normal, the insanity will soon be over. That’s the biggest relief.

I think going away helped enormously. Two days doesn’t sound like much at all but two days being away from absolutely everything; with nothing but shops to go to, bars to drink at and just free time to fill how I wanted – it was nice. It was exactly what I needed. I let myself go a bit too. Normally I’m quite sensible when it comes to spending money. I’ll go over money in my head and work it all out. But I decided to be a little selfish, I’ve worked hard for the money I had, and I was going to treat myself to things okay maybe I didn’t necessarily need, but certainly wanted. It turns out really spoiling yourself every now and then is good therapy.

 Something else worked too. Counselling. I’m not actually ashamed to admit I went; I’ve wanted to be a counsellor for the best part of my life so why wouldn’t I believe it worked; and it did. It was so refreshing to talk to someone with no pre-conceptions of anything in my life. She was smart; one of the first things she said to me upon walking in was “I can tell insecurity when a 5’9 girl stands at 5’7. Whether she actually knew my height or whether she just took a lucky guess is unknown, but it impressed me she noticed. She analysed me quicker than I’d had a chance to introduce myself; and she absolutely nailed it. Somehow without any coaxing from her I found myself saying more than I had intended. I’d gone for work and instead it got really personal. But it wasn’t awkward. I guess that’s the problem talking to friends, they usually know the person you’re talking about and it’s difficult to not be bias. But this woman was a blank canvas.

I left feeling inspired. She gave me a new perspective on a lot of situations; and she reminded me why I had wanted to be a counsellor in the first place. HR isn’t my niche after all I don’t think. I don’t suit being ‘hard-faced’. It’s just not me.  So new direction, and okay yeah, one hour in a room with a stranger isn't going to change anything. Neither is two days abroad. But they're helping hands and I'm getting on with it. 

A little less on the emotional side of things - life's been pretty quiet lately. There was Dublin obviously; a nice getaway. Not the best weather for a 'holiday' but lots of shopping and Jake seemed to get a kick out of going around the Temple Bar which is very music prominent. While he got that I got shopping and treated myself to new leather boots, the Urban Decay Book of Shadows, bunny pyjamas and a few other bits. It was nice to see family too. My Liverpool family is my mum, my dad, my brother (and even now he lives in Derby). It's small. Most of my family live in Dublin. A few are scattered about; Australia and Spain, but Dublin's the epicentre. It was nice spending time with them; and getting to introduce Jake to some of them. It seems mad that for someone to be such a massive part of my life, perhaps the biggest part; for more than three years of my life, that some of my family have never even met him. We got some nice piccies of the trip I'll put up tomorrow. 

Today was nice too. I saw my oldest friend. Granted she was in work and I just dropped in, but ten minutes of chatting left me on a high. Through all this madness lately I seem to have fallen out of the social loop, I can't wait to get back to seeing people because god help me I miss them, a lot. But until the next mad one out, or even the next quiet one or two .....

I'll take comfort in my new slippers. 

Pre-read warning: This blog is quite depressing. You know why, I'm quite depressed; and writing about it helped a little. If you don't want to read about me being upset; don't read it. Don't say I didn't warn you. 

I’ve always figured I’d be a good therapist because I’ve got the right traits;  I’m a good listener, I’m empathetic and compassionate. The one issue is I’m too emotional, if something upsets me I can’t help but show it. I wear my heart on my sleeve. Which in the middle of a therapy session isn’t ideal. You have to be neutral, still empathetic; but if they’re telling you a tragedy, you can’t well up.

It’s not always a trait I like having. Sometimes it’s beneficial, but when I am sad, I hate it. A one off is okay but if it’s more long term then I don’t like to be that person whose always on a downer, because they’re not fun people to be with. After a long enough period it just gets annoying. So it annoys me that’s how I feel at the moment.

Work is the biggest contributor. It’s mental that when I started, 13 weeks ago; I was elated. I was good at the job, so much so I advanced quickly and just a few weeks my role held much more responsibility. It did feel like my niche and I didn’t dread the early morning, the full day of work; I actually quite looked forward to it. It’s gone from that; to feeling sick about going on. On a day to day basis fighting to get up and resist the temptation to throw up thinking about setting off. Sitting at my desk and watching the clock, counting down the hours until I can leave again. It’s not nice, at all. I probably would have quit by now if I didn’t need the money.

My tooth ordeal didn’t help and although technically I’m well I still feel drained from it. I didn’t really rest up during, and haven’t rested up after so my body’s still screaming at me for that.

RIP Simba x.x.x

Then the rabbit died on Saturday. It was a blow. Taking her to the vet because she was being a bit lethargic. I thought she had a cold or something. At worst an infection. Instead the vet tells me she has a 10% of survival from treatment. So the horrible decision came to ‘ease her suffering early’ as the vet put it. There are few things in this life worse than the experience of signing a piece of paper saying you give consent for something to be killed. Something you love. That’s not something I ever want to have to do again.

I’m trying to fight feeling sad, I’m trying not to let it get to me. But the fact of it is; it IS getting to me. I don’t feel like myself lately. I don’t feel human lately. It doesn’t make sense to be so tired yet unable to sleep. To feel like bursting into tears 90% of the time. I hate saying that, I hate how it sounds, that really isn't the person I am. 

The biggest thing bringing me down is something I don't even want to go into on here. But, with everything thing else going on it's totally overwhelmed me. I've never felt more insecure. But saying that I do have support. It's making me really see who my friends are; and they've very much keeping me afloat; and Jake of course. I feel so bad on him acting the way it has been; I'm not fun to be around at the moment. 

I said in an earlier blog I don't believe in karma, and I don't. I'm not saying I'm a perfect person, I have fucked up many times, but I know I'm a good person. I don't 'deserve' everything going on. I'm just hoping there's a valid cause; maybe the intention is to push me away - to leave the job, or even Liverpool for some higher purpose? Whatever it is, I'm hoping it will make itself known, sooner rather than later. I want to get my life back on track, and be better company for the people in it.  

I’ve never been particularly lucky. Well, in one sense. I have a roof over my head, dinner on my table, nice clothes, a mobile phone, computers. I have lovely friends and a lovely boyfriend and a family who support me. So yes, in that sense I am lucky. I’m on however about statistically. If there’s potential for something bad happening, it will happen to me.

The perfect example of this is my recent dental experience; as you may have been reading I’ve had several root canals on my tooth which has had various root complications. Then last weekend I found myself in agony. Worse than any pain I’d experienced in my life; worse than broken ribs, broken neck. I was throwing up from it. I checked myself in hoping at this point they would just rip the tooth out, I didn’t care anymore I wanted it gone. Then they told me I had blood poisoning. The tooth had got so badly infected it had contaminated my blood stream..... something that occurs in 1% of cases of root canal. 1%. And it happens to me.

It’s not the first time in my life this has happened. In fact there’s a long list of illnesses that have occurred as a result of an ‘unlikely side-effect’. I can’t get jabs because I’m that one in ten thousand who gets the symptoms of the illness. My TB tester had me bed-ridden for two weeks. I don’t go out in thunder storms because I will be the person who gets struck by lightning. I’m a walking statistic.

It’s not helping my mood of late. Other stuff is contributing, work is the same, and though I still can’t get into what’s going on online for professional reasons, a lot of friends now know what’s happening and so know it’s not getting any better. The icing on the cake is someone I thought I was close to, someone I would have gone so far to say was one of my best friends, who I was always there for has demonstrated in reality our relationship was quiet one-sided. When I needed them they were not there for me. That’s been a massive blow and something I’m still upset over.

I realise this blog just sounds like me having a massive whiny moan, and yeah I guess part of is. Sorry if you we’re looking for something intellectual or thought provoking. There’s some positive stuff going on in life too, don’t get me wrong. We’ve been house hunting, to buy. That’s super exciting. Slightly nerve-wracking. Between buying a house, reinsuring my car and all the road-tax, petrol extras I’m expecting to be financially raped sideways. It’s making me super cautious about spending money, I haven’t bought a dress in a few months and I seriously resisted some new shoes in town yesterday. I guess the whole blood poisoning thing is saving me a lot of money on alcohol too so that’s good. Always a silver lining.

It’s overwhelming but I guess in one way it’s the benefit of having something like Facebook. You can see what people you went to school with are doing, seeing them get married, having babies, and it makes it all seem a little less scary..... a little. It's exciting too, I'm just going to try and focus on that.

I’m sitting in tonight when I should be out catching up with friends because I had another root canal session today. This is the third session and by the end of it, face fat and swollen, jaw aching; I’m wishing I’d opted for extraction at the start of the treatment. One swift tug and I wouldn’t be going through all this pain. I have another to go still and part of me is wondering, what did I do to deserve this?

Saying that, I don’t believe in karma. The reason being that the people who tend to believe in karma are good people who bad things have happened to and they hold out for something good. They hold out for watching the arseholes who have fucked them over to get hit by a bus.  If karma really existed then bad things wouldn’t happen to good people in the first place; and not all bad people get their comeuppance.

I’m not saying I don’t believe life has a plan – I do think everything happens for a reason I just don’t think it’s based on a good/bad divide.

Life has been a bit rough lately. Not really life, just work; but given the percentage of my life taken up by it, I guess it feels like it’s impacting on everything. I won’t go into it in depth for several reason, professionalism being one; but in short, its down to a situation where a bad person is fucking over nice people and getting away it.

‘Nice’. We went out for drinks a few weeks ago and a friend (well more Jake’s friend but I do consider him highly) told me he didn’t really know me too well, except that I was super nice. It's not how I'd define myself, butI guess as things go I am nice. I try to be helpful, I go the extra mile for people if they need it. I’m not big on confrontation and the only time I really fight and get aggressive about things is if I’m defending someone. The only problem with being ‘nice’ is a lot of people tend to take advantage. They get under the impression you’re a doormat if you’re nice.  A lot of the people actually reading this now are probably said people (a remarkable thing about this blog is people don’t realise the owner gets to see whose reading, and often the results surprise me. If you’ve tried to cut me out your life, then why are you still keeping up with mine?) But back to the point; being nice is good except when people take advantage. Like in work.

So I wanted to recreate myself in that respect. I’m not going to suddenly turn into an arsehole, but I don’t want people to think they can take advantage either. But you can’t just change your personality and expect people to work it out. You can’t just boost your confidence and expect them to notice. A new look however. I puzzled at what I could do. In terms of hair colour – I’ve already been virtually every colour under the sun. None of these looks really scream confidence – maybe bright colours but then I had to consider work. Fuschia pink or electric blue doesn’t really say ‘HR Officer’. I contemplated several tattoos, a big pin-up girl was the main idea. But then again I had to consider work – in modelling unless I went down the route of Alt-Girls that would hinder me.  Dress sense was an option but to be honest, I’m rather fond of my current wardrobe. Then I started looking at haircuts. When you’re a hair model – you don’t really have a say in what the hairdresser does. They need a look for their books, and they give you that look and you don’t have a say.

I gave Hooka hair creative control. They had a style consultant and a colour consultant, so I knew they’d provide a look that would match my shape/skin tone. Watching them chop locks of my hair off I was wincing; but there was no going back. And I’m not a shallow person, looks aren’t everything. But it’s true when you look good on the outside, you feel good on the inside. A new look can give you confidence and power; and I’m hoping that’s what it’s done for me.

Colours next month and the proper shoot photos, watch this space :) 

Jake’s been working lates this week which is kind of crap because it literally means we get about half an hour a day in with each other.  I’ve been filling my lonely evenings in with a lot of telly.

There was a programme on about the riots; one of these its sort of a news show but not the official news types. They were interviewing; parents and teachers of all the kids who’ve been caught and put in court. The thing that got me was so many of the teachers were saying things like, “It’s such a shock, they had a lot of promise and we’re popular with their peers”. Why don’t you just quit the crap and say “They were a little shit, who was going to fail their GCSEs and they were popular because that sort of dickery makes you popular in a classroom, for some reason beyond me.”

It’s the same with serial killers and murders. The neighbours always say, “Such a shock, he was always so polite and friendly.” Just once I want someone to say, “Actually I’ve always thought he was a creepy bugger, I can’t say I’m surprised.”

But alas, people tend not to be fantastic with the whole honesty thing in interview scenarios.

One show that’s great with honesty is the Next Top Model Series. I’ve been watching Britain and Irelands Next Top Model and it’s the first time I’ve really followed the series. The judges are pretty shocking with their comments, granted a lot of the time they’re being honest, sometimes the girls do look like shit but I do find myself thinking, wow, harsh. I think people need to realise that just because models are comfortable enough to show their body off, doesn’t mean they don’t get self-esteem issues. I’ve been modelling since I was 15 and I still am ridiculously insecure. Yes, having your hair and your makeup done professionally and wearing nice clothes boosts your confidence. With makeup capability these days there isn’t many people you can’t not make look stunning.

 But if someone turns around and tells you look crap it doesn’t matter if you’re Cheryl Cole, it still makes you feel like shit.

Some of their decisions shock me though. Last night they got rid of one who I would have probably said to be the most beautiful, or at least up top in that category; over a girl who is, in my opinion, ugly. I know beauty is subjective and everyone has different tastes but this girl just looks ... blah. I think it’s because I’ve yet to see any sort of expression on her face that isn’t sour, and her hair looks like it needs a comb running through it.

They keep saying she’s ‘interesting looking’ which I usually think to pin Angelina Jolie or someone with the title – not ‘natural’ beauty characteristics but beautiful all the same.

But like I say, beauty is subjective. A lot of does depend on personality too, I tend to notice beautiful girls flaws more when they’re horrible people. Then again I notice my flaws a lot so I’m not sure what that says about me haha.

And the final on my list of things watched while waiting in for the man; a programme were a couple are given £12,000 towards their wedding. The catch; the groom plans it all. It’s interesting to see. Some episodes are incredibly sweet because the guys make a real effort to make things perfect and even if they don’t always get it exactly right – a man’s idea of a ‘nice’ bridesmaid dress leaves much to be desired – the effort they’ve gone through makes up for it. Then you get some selfish pricks who spend most of the money flying themselves and their friends out abroad for the stag and then have an extreme budget wedding. If I turned up on my wedding day to find that I wouldn’t marry the selfish prick. But maybe that’s just me. I’d never go on the programme, not that I don’t trust Jake, it WOULD be interesting to see how he managed, but I think part of the fun of the wedding is stuff like planning. I’d be devastated if I didn’t have a chance to go dress shopping. 

I'm lying back and taking a break following two straight weekends of working on the bedroom; and can breathe with a sigh of relief that apart from a bit of minor clutter, it is complete. Granted there's still the spare room to start and stuff but I feel so much better knowing the bedrooms done at least.

I can't really believe it's only been a week since we left the flat; it feels so much longer. I do miss living in town, I forgot how much I hate buses. I will definitely be renewing my car insurance soon! Trains I can live with. They never seem as bad, maybe it's just because they're quicker and more direct. But buses, I can't spend much more time sitting in a tin can of screaming children, abusive mouthed chavs and people who smell like an onion. Particularly if despite there being plenty of free seats on the bus they choose to sit next to me.

Work is going well, the workload has increased so I seem to be permanently busy but I guess its better than being bored. I'm really starting to bond with some of my colleagues too which is really nice. Though it is a little consuming. Things I've always taken for granted like going for a pint in the day; nipping in to town to shop, being free to do a shoot. Now I have to sort of restrict myself to weekends and evenings which kind of sucks but I guess that's life!! Saying that I did a shoot on Saturday. It was my first in a while given all the madness of moving. I've got quite a few lined up now though, one with the lovely Viliam which I'm tremendously excited for both just for the concept behind it and in general working with her. Then one involving a rather dramatic haircut, yes it's finally happening people - I am leaving my hair in the (hopefully) capable hands of Hooka hairdressing.

Some more pics up available here: https://www.facebook.com/pages/Sally-Davies-Model/209937932363383

Apart from that life is fairly quiet. I haven't seen much of anyone which is the biggest thorn in my side. Living with Charl I at least had the connection there, and I was round the corner from Sam and I guess the location was easy for people to just drop in. The move has left me feeling a little isolated; though now the bedroom is done I'm freeing up my weekends for socialising, and for once I actually have the money to enjoy it. The 27th is drawing closer and I'm really excited. Jake and I are celebrating three years together. To be it seems too small a number, has it really only been three years? It feels like more. But a meal in Alma De Cuba followed by a Plan 9 gig with everyone we've spent the past few years with seems like a good way to celebrate.

I think that's everything? In good news the riots have seemed to stop. In bad news, what little 'summer' weather we had also seems gone. I'm not ready for winter yet. My feelings are strongly torn between flying to a hot country, most likely Thailand, for the next 6 months, or hibernation. If I choose the latter then feel free to wake me on the rare warm days we do get, and maybe Christmas.

Sun or sleep, I ain't fussy.

There’s a fair few films that use the concept of a virus getting into the population causing mass aggression; ordinarily spread by the infected biting one another or something in the water. I’ve spent the last few days watching the London riots thinking that, as awful as it was, thank God it was only London. So imagine my disdain waking up to the news feed of riots across the country, including Liverpool. No virus. No biting one another to spread it. No spikes in the water supply. It’s the result of complete and pure idiocy. No real motive, just morons with too much testosterone and no morals.

 It is quite frightening, for me more than anything how quickly it’s spread. How quickly people will see something horrible happening and want to join in. The irony is the majority of the people involved are the sort of racist twats who would see any foreigner and label them a terrorist, yet will happily terrorise their own country for the sheer fuck of it. Not that I’m defending terrorists but at least most do it for beliefs or actual reasons. Not for shits and giggles.

And to the few who are dubbing 'unemployment' as an excuse to trash stores, bars and burn their city to the ground; where is your logic? Where is your fucking common sense? Destroy the places of work? My opinion. The police should be given the all clear to shoot them, and with real bullets not rubber. THAT will actually help the unemployment problem. Culling anyone stupid enough to think a riot will solve anything, and numbers of unemployed will decrease!

Kudos to the people going out and helping, and kudos to the police. If I was facing them, I definitely
would have shot them by now. I would have enjoyed it. I hope if nothing else this has really opened the governments eyes to the sort of trash out there who need to be threatened more with an ASBO.  

Hope that everyone stays safe tonight!

Given that I’ve seen at least 50 status’ about Marley and Me over the past few weeks I figured I’d give it a watch. Now, this film is described as a comedy with a sad but, let’s face it, predictable ending. And yes, despite knowing the inevitability of the dog’s fate; I cried. I cried like a little bitch. However the general issue I had with the film was the labelling it a ‘comedy’.  It’s about a newly-wed couple and their life. It’s sweet in parts but it’s actually got some very harsh realities from career problems, money problems, domestic disputes. I guess if any credit should be given to the film, it should be for realism and honesty. I guess it portrays life perfectly, because even a happy couple have spats and problems along the way. But is that really what people want to see in a film. Especially one dubbed ‘comedy’. Aside from the two major tragedies I cried at, it left me feeling...well for one put me of getting a dog but I guess...  dread?

I’m at that stage in my life now where houses as a more permanent fixture. Settling down and buying a place. But even though we’ve calculated things like payments and account for bills and tax – it’s still pretty terrifying the thought of having a mortgage. Exciting, but scary. I think I’m just excited to have my own place that I can decorate.

With that in mind I went to Laura Ashley last weekend. Shops like that always make me wish I was an interior designer. I fall in love with colour schemes and wallpaper patterns and start envisioning how I’d decorate rooms with them. Then Jake told me I could decorate our new bedroom ... creative control; to a point anyway. I’m sure there would be objections if I wanted a baby pink Barbie room, though Jake knows I’m not into that so probably trusts me. So anyway with this in mind I headed down to ikea. I’ve settled on a colour scheme now I just needed some furniture and a bit of decoration; I’ve still got my paintings from Thailand which are going up, and now all I need really is time to do it all.

Time is the one thing I feel like I don’t have enough of at the moment. I’m hoping though I can be a bit less of a recluse once the big move is complete. If I’m honest, life now is pretty good going and the only thing missing is a bit more time out, and seeing more of the people I miss. I get that back, and there’s not a lot I don’t have.

 On that note it’s probably time to get back to packing and moving. Next blog update I’d imagine will be next week when I’m in my new house, hopefully decorating complete.  Fingers crossed.

I was so tired in work today I'm still trying to work out if I was completely conscious. My body sat at my desk typing. My eyes watched the screen as my fingers danced across the keyboard. But I have no idea what I did all day - my mind was just elsewhere, pondering everything. The past, and the future. Things that have happened, and things that maybe/could/should happen.

Mainly I thought about the last three years. This time three years ago, I was getting ready to start at Leeds University in September. I was all excited about going to uni, meeting new people. Then I saw a person I already knew, just in a different light. We got closer, we fell in love. My whole plan changed dramatically and next thing I knew I was starting uni at Liverpool, new boyfriend by my side. The memory's so clear in my head it seems like such a short time ago, certainely not three years.

I still marvel to this day about ... people meeting for the first time, or even just dating. How does that transition happen? I mean, I know the first time I laid eyes on Jake, the first time I spoke to him, even the first time I kissed him, I would never, ever have called that three years on we'd be living in our own flat together? Definetly not. I guess what I'm trying to say is life often turns out in ways we don't expect. I still struggle sometimes with grasping how my life has turned out. Not in a bad way, just curious. I've gone through changes more in the past three years than really the rest of my life.

New friends obviously being a major. University is a sure fire way to meet new people. Some people I've met have become my best friends. Others, came and went. I think when your forced to live with strangers, it doesn't always work out. You try hard at first to get on, but eventually you realise forcing something rather than letting it happen naturally isn't a good way for things to happen. We become friends with people we're attracted to be friends with. I've left that chapter having had a fair number of fall-outs, but more importantly, meeting some people who I really hope will remain in my life for good.

That's another thing that blows my mind ... friendship. Bar one, consistent through life from primary school to adulthood friend, my first best friends were high school years; and thinking back I would genuinely think back then - 'we will be friends forever'. That sounds awfully corny but it was true. They felt like my sisters. I don't speak to them now. Life just separated us. But then other people I barely knew at that time have become the new people I want in my life 'forever' ... or at least for the long term forseeable future. I mean thinking about it I didn't even know Charlotte this time last year. I might have heard her name down the grapevine or seen Facebook wallposts on mutual friends, but I didn't know her. I certainley didn't expect to end up flatmates - and very contented, happy flatmates.

Life just is.... one big surprise. Full of changes. It used to be something I've always dreaded. Change. If I'm content then why do things have to have to change? But then, the more I think about it, I was content in high school. I DID have great friends who I had great times with. But now? I'm more than content. I'm happy. I have an amazing boyfriend, amazing friends who I just have... the best times with. I didn't think I wanted to leave uni but ... I'm really enjoying 'real world' life. And yeah, eventually, the change will happen that won't be good, things can't keep getting better forever. But I guess the expression 'life is like a rollercoaster' is true. Things get better (the roller coaster goes up) ... but you're frightened because you know the drops coming. But after the drop comes the adrenaline rush. And let's me honest.... a flat rollercoaster would get boring. The loops make life more interesting.

Just maybe not... THIS many.

So, it's official. I graduated yesterday and am officially no longer a student. It's kind of daunting I guess, I've been so used to giving myself that label, hell I've spent the past fourteen years as a student so the transition out of educaton is a little scary. But saying that, I love my new job. I love the nine to five routine, doing stuff that’s actually productive. I love knowing I’ve made a difference with my day that something I've worked on has contributed to something, somewhere. I like being the one to come home to Jake and having missed him.  I like knowing I actually have an income. Sure the time thing is taking some getting used to, but it's helping me be more diligent because I'm appreciating my free-time more.

Overall the transition is a good one.

Graduation itself was overall a nice day. Tiring, and a little dull in some parts, but nice. I was up early to go get my hair done, which was long overdue anwyay. I wasn't brave enough to get it cut super short like I've been thinking about lately - but I got it done so its a little more exciting.

Then was the process of getting my gown - which involved a lot of safety pins and kirby grips to keep the damn thing on me. Then pictures, lots of pictures. Followed by the actual ceremony - two hours of sitting crammed in a small space with 600 other 'graduands' waiting to go up on stage and shake a couple of peoples hands. Like I say, that part was a little dull  - but still nice. It was as I was standing in the queue to go on stage, amongst course mates I'd spent the last three years with; that it all really hit me. It seemed like yesterday we were meeting for the first time, enjoying freshers week, pissing about in lectures, late night revision sessions, working on coursework together. Suddenly we were there, waiting to get our diplomas - it was all over - in the space of 50 seconds walking across a stage, I was a student no more.

The ceremony ended with a procession of students through the cathedral. I say procession, that implies more order. 600 boiling hot, sweaty cloaked people cramming into an ailse rushing to get out into fresh air. In honesty it must have looked hilarious.

Following this more pictures, the cliche throw the hat, and then everyone split off with families for a meal. I had a lovely meal; Il Forno restaurant with my parents, Jake and my brother Tim - the meal was gorgeous, and just the general evening was nice. Everyone got on, it wasn't arkward like I'd been worrying.

Overall it was a nice day - not perfect and some things have left me a little 'meh'. But familial wise I'm really happy. I have a very generous family, got some lovely things, gorgeous earrings, a DSLR camera, and a lot of money. It's certainly lifted some of my worries about finances.

So I'm facing the future with positivity. Today is the first day of the rest of my life, no longer as a student, but as a graduate. It's scary as hell, but over the past three years I've become more grounded. I've got my good friends around me to keep me calm, and most importantly, the one constant in my life these past three years, and the person I've always been able to turn to.

So keep reading... and hopefully my memoirs as a graduate will be as good a read as memoirs of a student, if not more :)