So; mini little life up date. The closer of those to me amongst you will know I haven’t been too well of late; and I just wanted to say a huge thank you to everyone who wished me well; texts, messages and visitors. It’s been hugely appreciated.

As a result of it I’ve been out of the loop a bit but I’ve been putting it to good use. Health scares tend to motivate you like nothing else and I’ve been doing lots of planning for the ahead. It’s increasingly obvious work wise I’m not really enjoying the job. It’s hectic, disorganised. It’s business driven. It’s not ‘me’.  Even if it takes me a few years, I’m going to work to be doing what I want.

TO DO LIST

• New car – the micra is now reaching it’s final days. Which is sad – it’s been a good car and served me well. I’ve got my eye on a few cars atm but I think this one is going to be the winner.

• Counselling course – Getting back to the path of a counsellor. It’s me. It’s what I like doing and it’s what I’m good at doing.

• Looking after myself better – before my op I’d started running. It was going okay, I’m terrible at running and I absolutely hate it but I finding it easier after doing it. But it was random. Weather doesn’t help yet but I need a proper routine. I’m also looking into starting climbing – if anyone’s interested coming along?

• Travelling – I really want to see as much of this world as I can while I’m on it. I want to see it all, try it all. I don't have an issue living out of a bag. Saving fund started.

They’re the main points on my list (for now).

Anyway, brief little blog  more on me. I could sit and bleed my thoughts of late to you. But I’m not sure you’d want to read. It has been a week that’s opened my eyes to some things I didn’t want to believe but I guess I had to see. There’s so much I could say. But it’s not for tonight.

Tonight; recovering from yesterdays drinking session, still. Followed by Matthew Street with good friends tomorrow and then anniversary with Jake on Monday. I met him when I was 17, five years ago... and it seems like a different lifetime... but yeah I'll not got all nostalgic and just say it's going to be a good weekend. 

So we had this icebreaker thing in work today for the benefit of the new staff. Personally I think the best ice breaker is some vodka and a game of ‘I Never’ because nothing breaks ice like dirty little secrets and alcohol. But alas – we did a profiling task. You answer a few questions about yourself, emotional intelligence – basic psychometric stuff - level 1 Psychology. Then you get your results and you have to read them out to everyone....

No ice got broken. A few peoples self esteem’s maybe. But anyway, the results were kind of interesting;

Your results show:
You Have Strong Relationship Management
You have the ability to inspire and influence others and sort out conflicts that arise. You have a good sense of empathy, and can make others feel at ease when they are upset or angry.

You Have Weak Self Regulation
You sometimes manage situations poorly because you are often too impulsive, which means your choices can be reckless. Take some time to think about decisions before you make them. 

The strength they got down to a tee. It’s why I want to be a sodding counsellor because I'm good at it. But yeah, that's a different rant for a different blog. 

The weakness, I do think I’ll agree with what they’re saying.... but personally, I don’t really think impulsiveness is a weakness; and if it’s my biggest one, I’m quite happy about that. Impulsiveness can be the difference between life and death. If someone steps infront of your car; you don’t sit and contemplate whether slamming on your breaks will hurt your neck or the best angle to swerve to minimise the risk of hitting a tree or flipping the car. You just act. You don’t see someone about to get shot and think how you’re going to dive infront in the best angle to not get hit more than a flesh wound.

Okay, extreme cases I know. Most people will not on a regular basis (if ever in their lives) find themselves in such a situation – but shush I’m making a point.

I don’t think it’s stupidity, even if sometimes; the actions it makes you do aren’t the smartest. If you see someone you love getting jumped by a gang – you know jumping in is going to end in a black eye, or worse. It wouldn’t stop me though. Not for a second.

Then I kind of thought about impulsiveness and realised it’s all about emotion – essentially, it’s about heart before head. Instinct before logic. That is something I’m guilty of. Wearing my heart on my sleeve. Something I’d probably describe as my biggest weakness. Because I am not capable of holding back my emotions – if you’ve upset me, you’ll know about it. If you’ve pissed me off, you’ll know about it. If you’ve made me happy... you’ll know about it. I’m a terrible actress – I can’t pretend I’m okay if I’m not. On those days where I feel like shit; I’ll look like shit. On those days were I’m happy; I’m grinning. Grinning like a dickhead.

So now everyone in work knows – I have a good read of emotions, I have good control over other peoples. But no control over my own. I guess, when you put it like that, it is sort of a weakness. 

But anyway, little mid-week ramble. Life updates - soon. Ish. Maybe. I don't know, shit's boring at the moment; and anything not boring is for the time being .... for some eyes only. 

I posted on Facebook the other day about recruitment – and learning it’s not what you know but who you know; and it’s true. Okay granted some jobs like doctors or anything medical really yes; obviously you need skills. Obviously you need a certificate that says you know what the hell you’re doing. But for other roles the degree isn’t all that. Looking at my own career path the roles I’ve got have come from knowing someone and good networking. Since graduating I’ve never gotten a job by applying online. I’ve got it by hearing about it through someone I know; registering my interest and falling into it.

Likewise half the time we interview the candidate will know someone; either on the panel or just working at the site. It’s probably the best way to get work these days. Hell I got offered a job in CERN just because I emailed the head of Recruitment there got chatting to him - and he offered me the job, because I had the initiative to network. When 100+ people apply to a job, and you sit reading application after application; there’s nothing distinctive. Even the ones with impressive achievements on their CV blend into the background when you’ve read so many – or you forget who did what. Having a face, a person. Chatting to someone of the books is far more effective than a piece of paper because we formulate impressions on people not on what we read about them but based on observation of them and interactions with them – but not necessarily in an interview environment. Because interviews people aren’t themselves. For one they’re a bag of nerves, and they’re display observer bias – they act how they think the panel want them to act.

How’s my new job going? It’s – different. Until now the biggest office I’ve ever worked in was eight people (myself included). There’s somewhere in the region of 70 people here. So getting close to anyone is hard. Everyones come over with their various teams; The Royal, Aintree, Alder Hey .... they all came over in groups, already a team. I came from Clatterbridge alone - and I do feel very aware of it. 

It's a nice office though, lovely view, I’ll give them that – and there’s a noticeable difference in travel; it’s ten minutes away. It means I can get up later. I can go to bed later, and I get home sooner. All in all it means there’s more ‘me’ time. Which is nice. I’m on top of the housework – the flats looking nice pretty much all the time. I feel less tired coming home from work – so I can go for a run, and keep on top of my fitness. From the outside it's more ideal. But still I feel unsatisfied at the moment. I really feel like I need a fresh start.

The problem  though with wanting a fresh start is you can’t pick and choose – it’s all or nothing. Wouldn’t it be perfect if we could pick up all the people we want in our lives and take them somewhere else and start fresh, but still have good friends? Or stay in a good job rather than going back to square one. But if you want to really start fresh, you have to go back. You have to take a leap of faith, away from your comfort zone into the unknown – and you have to do it alone.

That’s where all problems stem really – big decisions offer require taking a leap of faith. You  can spend weeks, months, years of your life – standing on the edge. Ready to jump but still – frightened. Scared that if you jump, you’ll fall. That jumping is the wrong choice – especially because if you jump – there’s no going back.

At this point I’m decided whether to finally make the jump; just takes courage – or maybe, someone has to push you over the edge.