A little opening note about tattoos. I can't get my head around, when in this day and age, with the massive amount of incredibly talented artists, readily available in numerous locations in towns and cities across the country for perfectly reasonable prices; that appalling bad tattoos that keep cropping up. My Facebook news feed is full of them. Are you getting your tattoos from blind men? Or artists (and I'm using that term lightly) that have Parkinsons? Seriously people, fork out and pay the extra little bit - its on your forever, you'll pay £70 for a pair of heels you'll wear a dozen times, but you won't pay the same for something on your body for the rest of your life? Seriously, what the fuck?

And if you're one of the people on my Facebook reading this knowing you've posted your crap tattoo up recently and want to get offended, go nuts. I look forward to hearing your side of the argument.

Right, got that off my chest. Now - life and shiz. It's good I guess. A lot, lot better than it has been. My health is returning. I've still got the hernia but its so much better, just limited on heavy lifting, which suits me fine anyway. Work is returning to normally, crazy busy, lots of interviews but rather be busy than jobless. I think the biggest change has been mentally. I was down in the dumps and I was boring myself being miserable all the time, never mind the people around me. I'm just trying to be positive.

In between that trying to get back into the swing of my old life, I've missed people so much recently, and while I've saved a fortune not going out much, I think I'd rather have the company than the money. I've seen a fair bit of Charl which is lovely; though it does make me miss the flat more. She just got a bunny, and she's gorgeous. I forgot how happy the rabbits used to make me, simple things like stroking a rabbit is such a pick-me-up. I spent Sunday playing with Chip and near enough constantly going 'Awwww' at her sheer adorableness. Halloween is fast approaching and I'm excited to see everyone then too. I'm still having costume stresses - for the first time since having my hair cut I'm finding it a little frustrating. There isn't much that suits this hair costume wise. I was going to do Alice in Wonderland but short of wearing a wig I would just look odd. I'm sure I'll come up with something in time, even if I have to reuse one of my many old costumes.

On the topic of hair I got a handful of pics back from my Hooka shoot. Not my favs - I miss Viliam as a makeup artist (nevermind full stop). But makeup wise no one I've worked with even compares, even on proper editorial shoots.

Finally a little note about my course. As you probably know I work in HR at the moment. And yeah; dramas aside I really enjoy it. Without bragging, I'm pretty good at it, it comes quite easy to me. Admittedly I have a fantastic team who are just nice people to be around, that always helps. I've been doing interviews a lot lately though. There's a big review process going on in the NHS which means lots of people are at risk from cutbacks.etc so we're reinterviewing them all for the right to stay in the job they're doing. It's a horrible process and I feel for them; but doing the Mental Health interviews more than anything has made me pine for it. Hearing all these counsellors and therapists talk about what a kick they get out of their job, I realise its what I'm still longing for. So I spoke to the head of service for advice; and this is what brought EMDR into my life.

EMDR stands for Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing. In a rather small nutshell, its about taking  a memory; usually a trauma of sorts, and relocating where its stored within the brain so it's not triggered as frequently. Putting it lightly, its moving it to the back of your mind. You maintain the memory, you just don't think about it as much. It's a fairly recent therapy, but so far its success with things like Post Traumatic Stress Disorder have been amazing. In a few years it could be the number one treatment for it. So I've been advised to study EMDR - it might give me an edge over competitors, especially when it gets popular. Aside from that I just think its fascinating, and if it can help people then even better. I can't wait to start.

Incase I don't write for a while; Happy Halloween everyone.

I like PostSecret. Sometimes it can be a little depressing. Last week much of it was about affairs or being in love with the wrong person which wasn't that great. Stuff like that always makes me sad, I guess being a romantic I always want to think of love positively. But anyway, more often and not the secrets and sweet or amusing; or something you can really relate to. For me, it was this one this week that made me smile.

When you ask someone to describe beauty; you'll probably get the 'girl with the full lips, doe eyes, shiny flowing hair and curves in all the right places'. Some people will say beauty is scenery, a sunset or a field of flowers; and yes, these things are beautiful. 

But to me something I will never, ever forget, as being possible the most beautiful thing I've ever seen, is the look on Jake's face after the first night we spent together. He was smiling; his mouth only slightly upturned but his eyes absolutely dancing, with creases all around them. The same lines he gets when he laughs, and that will always remind me, it always makes me happy seeing it, because it reminds me of that face. That's what this Postsecret reminded me of, and its but me on a little high for the evening. 'The Simple Things' 

Things are a lot better, I think. Work; the situation hasn't been resolved as such but more removed. If only temporarily; it's still nice to get away from it all. Health-wise I've been a bit better, healing processes are slow but moving none the less. I am pining for life to move forward. I feel a little grounded where we're living now and I want nothing more to get our house and start our life properly. 

I got my hair done for Hooka Hair's Autumn/Winter 2011 look. When I arrived, they asked me do I want the autumn look or the winter one. Intrigued I asked what they meant. Colour wise autumn was browns, oranges, reds. Winter was white and silver. Now in terms of visually on a model, white and silver looked amazing. But I thought about outside of modelling. On the street a 21 year old rocking silver/white hair would look weird. Only Final Fantasy villains can pull that off at my age. 

So here we are; I don't have the official shots yet but the colours I'm rather quite fond of. I wasn't big on the make up. It was too OTT. I know the that probably visually it looked quite dramatic which makes for a good picture. The length I'm really getting used to. It's so much easier than having long hair (boys have it so easy). I will go back eventually, I can see myself growing to miss long hair, but for now I'm happy being short. 

Next on the agenda is Halloween. I said last time I wrote about not having plans yet. But I've managed to wrangle together a venue for a party. Now I just need to sort a costume; which is proving difficult. Costume shops these days rip you off. A decent costume sets you back £40 minimum. I could probably make something on my own I'm just lacking inspiration somewhat. Fingers crossed it'll come to me in time.

Everything else is fairly quiet. I'm driving again. Insurance has raped me, a £1500 quote being the lowest came as something of a shock but I didn't really have a choice, and fingers crossed it will be worth it. I should save money on public transport, or more likely, taxis. It will make work a lot easier, I had to do a three mile walk the other day through Warrington on account of not having my car. I'll have more freedom for things like Photoshoots; and I can taxi Jake and his equipment too and from gigs and band practices which will save us a fortune. 

Things to look forward to: Halloween, Alice in Wonderland VIP at The Tate, Glenn Hughes gig, Christmas? 

But most importantly, inching closer to the dream :) 

As you probably know, either from having seen me in the past few months; or reading my blogs – things have been pretty crap of late. Really it seems like since I moved out the flat I’ve had nothing but bad luck. A situation in work meant that the office became an untenable environment for me. As if that wasn’t bad enough, I fell ill with blood poisoning from a root canal gone wrong. It completely knocked it out of me and left me drained. Then the rabbit died. Jake got me the rabbits following a rough patch a few years ago; it’s a well known fact having an animal makes you feel better – stroking is therapeutic and having something to look after gives you purpose. So for Simba to die when I felt low again was a real blow. At this point, down in the dumps and wondering what else life could possibly throw at me, it threw the biggie. It threatened the one thing that really was my world – and that shock me more than anything. Sleep went out the window and I permanently felt butterflies in my stomach. Not the pleasant sort.

I wrestled with this problem for a few weeks; it got gradually better as I escaped away to Dublin for a few days with Jake. And talking to people; whether it was a counsellor or friends did make me feel better too. But I still couldn’t get rid of the horrible feeling in my gut. Like an instinct of something bad to come.

Then on Thursday I couldn’t sleep, again. This time however it wasn’t due to worrying. I had a pain in my side I couldn’t ignore. So Friday prompted a trip to the emergency doctors.  At first she was a little confused, there wasn’t an obvious medical solution. But when I told her I had been stressed she suggested a hernia.

I’ve always associated ‘hernia’ with aging men lifting something too heavy, so when she said it I was a bit taken aback. She went on to explain, if your stressed, significantly stressed; you’re tense. Constantly. Stomach muscles aren’t meant to be held tense all the time. My stress put stress on my stomach, and ta-da! – hernia!

I guess hearing that, finding out I’d given myself a hernia was the biggest kick in the stomach (no association intended). I’ve always believed ‘everything happens for a reason’ so I guess I’ve been sitting around waiting for the bad stuff to end. It doesn’t seem to be happening so I guess I’ve decided to step up and take control of it all. I hate being miserable. It’s boring, and it’s certainly no fun for those around you. It’s clearly taken a toll on my health, and consequently I look like crap of late. I hate it. I haven’t been out in ages, mainly due to health. I haven’t done much at all.

So as of tomorrow, I’m not going to wait for all this shit to pass, I’m going to give it a boot up the arse and out my life, and actively make it better. Next weekend I’m going out. I’ll enjoy the company of the people I care about. I’m going to go into work with a smile on my face, and be an adult about the whole situation, be the professional one. I’m going to work my ass off to get the future I want as soon as I want it.

I’m pining for Crosby/Waterloo. I can’t wait to move back there, to a house. My own house. Decorated how I want it. Living alone with the one person whose company I never grow tired of. I guess through all this, through everything that’s happened, the only one thing I really have held onto is just how much Jake means to me. I guess I should hold on to that. That through all the bad luck....I’m lucky to have found someone who can be my rock through it.

I promise next time I write; it won’t be miserable. It will be positive. I’m not sure what it will be yet. Maybe something about Halloween. It’s mad, this time last year we were living in the flat planning our Halloween party; such a brilliant night. Part of me pines to be back there. But longing for the past will never get you anywhere. Life’s changed. Admittedly the change hasn’t been that favourable so far but I’m going to change that, and fingers crossed; there’s lots to look forward to now.  

I'm finally starting to see light at the end of the tunnel. Things aren’t perfect; or at least, as back to normal as they could be, but they’re starting to clear. Stuff at work is getting back to normal, the insanity will soon be over. That’s the biggest relief.

I think going away helped enormously. Two days doesn’t sound like much at all but two days being away from absolutely everything; with nothing but shops to go to, bars to drink at and just free time to fill how I wanted – it was nice. It was exactly what I needed. I let myself go a bit too. Normally I’m quite sensible when it comes to spending money. I’ll go over money in my head and work it all out. But I decided to be a little selfish, I’ve worked hard for the money I had, and I was going to treat myself to things okay maybe I didn’t necessarily need, but certainly wanted. It turns out really spoiling yourself every now and then is good therapy.

 Something else worked too. Counselling. I’m not actually ashamed to admit I went; I’ve wanted to be a counsellor for the best part of my life so why wouldn’t I believe it worked; and it did. It was so refreshing to talk to someone with no pre-conceptions of anything in my life. She was smart; one of the first things she said to me upon walking in was “I can tell insecurity when a 5’9 girl stands at 5’7. Whether she actually knew my height or whether she just took a lucky guess is unknown, but it impressed me she noticed. She analysed me quicker than I’d had a chance to introduce myself; and she absolutely nailed it. Somehow without any coaxing from her I found myself saying more than I had intended. I’d gone for work and instead it got really personal. But it wasn’t awkward. I guess that’s the problem talking to friends, they usually know the person you’re talking about and it’s difficult to not be bias. But this woman was a blank canvas.

I left feeling inspired. She gave me a new perspective on a lot of situations; and she reminded me why I had wanted to be a counsellor in the first place. HR isn’t my niche after all I don’t think. I don’t suit being ‘hard-faced’. It’s just not me.  So new direction, and okay yeah, one hour in a room with a stranger isn't going to change anything. Neither is two days abroad. But they're helping hands and I'm getting on with it. 

A little less on the emotional side of things - life's been pretty quiet lately. There was Dublin obviously; a nice getaway. Not the best weather for a 'holiday' but lots of shopping and Jake seemed to get a kick out of going around the Temple Bar which is very music prominent. While he got that I got shopping and treated myself to new leather boots, the Urban Decay Book of Shadows, bunny pyjamas and a few other bits. It was nice to see family too. My Liverpool family is my mum, my dad, my brother (and even now he lives in Derby). It's small. Most of my family live in Dublin. A few are scattered about; Australia and Spain, but Dublin's the epicentre. It was nice spending time with them; and getting to introduce Jake to some of them. It seems mad that for someone to be such a massive part of my life, perhaps the biggest part; for more than three years of my life, that some of my family have never even met him. We got some nice piccies of the trip I'll put up tomorrow. 

Today was nice too. I saw my oldest friend. Granted she was in work and I just dropped in, but ten minutes of chatting left me on a high. Through all this madness lately I seem to have fallen out of the social loop, I can't wait to get back to seeing people because god help me I miss them, a lot. But until the next mad one out, or even the next quiet one or two .....

I'll take comfort in my new slippers.