Memoirs Of A Graduate

I’m ill. Really ill – I can’t remember the last time I felt this badly not including hangovers. Headache, blocked nose, sore throat, temperature, aching bones and queasy stomach – the full package. Not to mention exhaustion, I feel permanently tired and the slightest task leaves me feeling like I’ve just done 3 hours at the gym. It couldn’t have come at a worse time. It’s something like 45 days before I go to Thailand. Excited yes but panicking because that’s also 45 days to complete my dissertation and all the other assignments I have. I wanted to smash the results section of my dissertation this weekend. Results are my downfall always because I’ve never been good at maths. Words, I’m good at words. Words just flow. But numbers leave me confused and I could spend hours just trying to figure out a few of them. And that’s when I’m not feeling like a tonne of bricks have been shat on me.

So instead I’m lying in bed, sniffling away and trying to be productive as I can while feeling like this. Probably not succeeding because as much as enjoy writing them, a blog is not productive and isn’t going to help me pass uni.

I had a bad week last week too, it’s left my mind reeling. I lack trust due to a wealth of bad experiences in the past being betrayed, used and generally walked over. As a result I don’t actually let myself get too trusting with people. There’s a select few I share things with but the real stuff that has the potential to go bad if it gets out stays with me and me alone.
Aside from past experience – the reason I don’t trust people is because people are just that. Humans. And humans tend to fuck up on a regular basis. God knows I’ve done it, I haven’t spent my life being a perfect friend, girlfriend, daughter, sister, colleague.etc.etc. The difference with people however is that some people try, and others do not.
I do my best to be a good person; I’m not without my faults. I don’t always succeed. But I’ll always go out of my way for someone. I will always protect someone I care about at any cost, I’ll be an ear to listen, a shoulder to cry on. I do my best to get on with people. Putting others first isn’t really an issue for me, especially if I love them. For example even though I felt like shit yesterday, Jake trapped a nerve in his shoulder, was in immense pain. So I made him all his meals, dried him after his shower, gave him regular massages, got him hot water bottles, painkillers. It left me absolutely wiped but it wasn’t important. I think that’s the stuff that matters. No one’s perfect but the people who try and be good are the ones you want to keep as friends.
Anyway, last weekend ‘a friend’ stabbed me repeatedly in the back. At first I was so upset. Not even it was her, I was never particularly close. It was just something so horrible and unjustified I couldn’t understand why. I tried to seek out a reason from people who knew her better – and her friends said, “Because that’s what she’s like.” They said it so simply, no surprise. She does what she has to, to get what she wants. At first I was still kind of horrified. But the more I spoke to people, the more I found myself smiling. She’s not popular with anyone. Just one person defended her by saying she’s just “ambitious.” Every single other one expressed distaste, even ones who should have been sticking up for her.

And it kind of made me realise. It’s not about how far you get in life, in your career, with your ambition. What matters is the way you’ll be remembered. I like to think behind my back people say mostly good things. There will always be anomalies, always someone you don’t get on with calling you for all sorts. But friends, they should be able to smile and say, “She’s a nice person.” And that’s what I care more about. I mean I could be wrong, everyone could be slagging me off. But I think some, hopefully, think good about me.

... So take your new job, and enjoy it. I hope you’re happy while the world around you hates you. I'm happy just having my friends thanks, oh, and having tits.