Excuse my French; but things are proper shit right now. It always seems to be that when one thing goes wrong so does everything else – it all piles on you at once and you find yourself completely overwhelmed. You don’t even know where to start to make things better.
It’s like that now. I was really excited about starting my new job – working so close to home – the shortest commute I’ve ever had. It didn’t seem too bad in the start either, a little isolated; and I was always busy. But busy isn’t necessarily bad. It was busy but able to cope – I was getting my work done but at the same time it filled my day. Suddenly it’s changed. I’ve been landed looking after 6 new trusts – all of them different processes, all of them in tatters. I’ve never felt so completely clueless in a job before. But because you’re so isolated there’s no one around to even ask. Then the calls start coming; managers kicking off about various work. It’s not a particularly easy job to calm and angry manager when you know exactly what you’re telling them, you know the problem and you can explain it to them. Which makes it near impossible to diffuse them when you don’t know what’s happening. You feel like an idiot. They let you know they think that of you.
You should be able to pack up work and leave it; 9-5. It shouldn’t seep into your life outside. But it does. I’ve come home nearly every night this week and ended up a sobbing mess on Jake’s lap. I haven’t slept – because I’m worrying about what the next day will bring. Lack of sleep means you’re even more emotionally compromised. It’s just never ending. I’m so run down at the moment, feel ill. It’s just a mess. A job shouldn’t do that too you. I’m desperately looking for something else now.
There’s everything else too. My nan’s unwell; and I don’t know, she’s 87 so I suppose she’s had a good full life but – death is always horrible. There’s other little things too I’d probably rather not discuss so openly; but again the closest to me will know what's really bothering me right now on top of everything else.
I guess it’s the only positive of going through hell. When you’re falling to pieces; you spot the ones who are there, gathering the pieces up ready to fit them back together. I’m truly humbled by some of the people I have the pleasure to know. I want to apologise to them; because I know being miserable all the time is annoying. It’s not me. I’ve been putting all my efforts this year into – seeing the positive side, living life to the full. Not letting stuff get me down. I was doing pretty well too until all this (I think). I want that back.
I’ve been signed off today. Doctors ordered are lots of rest and nothing stressful. So I’m here – pyjamas on. Massive mug of hot chocolate. Writing. Writing always calms me down. Which reminds me; I’m writing for cracked now and I’m freaking out cus they gave me two weeks to do my first official article. Innovation is lacking. Or it’s not; but I’m bringing personal stuff too much into my writing so it’s about shitty jobs or people being let downs. Hopefully this weekend, something will come to me.
But yeah – back to me getting on track. After writing this I’ll probably go make myself some eggs. Then job hunt like a bitch this afternoon. Phone up every contact I have and find ... something. Anything. Once thats sorted – I can work on getting the rest of me back together.
To everyone hanging on to the pieces for me – thank you again. You best believe you’re getting epic hugs, cheesecake ... and my undying appreciation that I have you in my life.
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