It's been a bad day. I couldn't sleep last night. I couldn't stop thinking. Just lay there stewing in my thoughts. Then this morning when I got into work; I went for an x-ray; an x-ray to find out if my broken neck from two years ago was all healed up so I could take part in a skydive, they uncovered a lot more breaks. I am literally falling apart it seems.
One of my favourite things to look at in Psychology was the disorders. Schizophrenia, Multiple Personality - it absolutely fascinates me. The more experience I get in life though; especially lately; the more I realise. They're not disorders, not really. Some people just have it worse than others, more potent. Because the amount of times I hear people say; "They've changed." Friends fall out, relationships fall apart; and one of the biggest reasons is this personality switch. People start acting differently. I've experienced it myself; a dozen times. It's the reason I've fell apart from some friends, its the reason some relationships have broken apart. Just last night I found myself getting upset by a friend's reaction I wasn't expecting, something out of character. Or maybe it was in character. I don't know anymore.
Mentally too; I feel unhappy at the moment. One of the main problems is; well – have you ever been dumped? More so when it’s been a surprise. When you’re still in love and want to work things out rather than just give up. Even after all is said and done you still find yourself hoping they’ll call, say they made a mistake, they want you back. That’s a bit what I feel like with my old job. Granted I’ve been lucky to find work as quickly as I have, and it pays significantly more too. I should be jumping up and down. But I guess the truth is; this job feels like a rebound. Sure he’s flashier and better looking; but he’s just not the same as the one I love. That’s what it feels like. I miss it so much. The people, the banter. Even the routine I had. I set my own efficient system up in that place – it meant I was on top of everything and everything ran smooth. Here is all operates so differently. No one speaks. There’s no banter. There’s not even chit chat. My old team knew every corner of my life; what I had for dinner the night before, what I was doing on the weekend. Which friends I seeing, which friends I had fell out with. They knew Jake and his life. And I knew them, their friends, their partners and lives. I think when you spend everyday with people a similar age, a similar living situation and similar personalities you can’t help but bond. Part of me is hoping they’ll call and say they need me. Or, I don’t know. Everyone here gets the sack (except me) and my old colleagues can come here. It’s childish, and its stupid, but I can’t help but want it.
Don’t worry this isn’t a ‘woe is me’ blog because like I said, I’m lucky to have any job. For those of you who don’t know; I’m the newly appointed HR Officer at Clatterbridge Cancer Centre. On the Human Resources Ladder it’s a step up from my old job; with the next rung up being Management position. I had the job interview on my birthday and was asked to start the next day. A very quick transition, left the world of work on Friday, was back in by the Wednesday. This is only a fixed term position until August so the hunt for a permanent job is still on. My options are still swayed between sticking around and moving to Canada. Everyone I spoke to has encouraged the move (so much so I’m wondering if they want rid of me). Kidding, I think. I do want the adventure, the excitement, the something new. But I don’t want to set myself backward. If I move, and it was only for a year or so; then in a year’s time, I’d be back where I am now. Trying to find work, trying to find somewhere to live while probably living with the parents and no offence to them, but just no. I’m past the point of being able to live with any figure like that in my life. My relationship with them is better apart.
That being said, I need to get away. Even if it’s not necessarily as far as Canada, I just need to escape. I was so exciting about moving to Waterloo because it was close to friends, central to everything. I didn’t think about how close it was to the people I don’t want to see. The people you run into every weekend even though you’d rather never see them again. The same old people cropping up over and over. The drama of it all. At one point I let myself get really worked up over it all. Really upset or angry. I’m past that, I do my best to just not get involved. It still makes me weary though. I just want to escape it.
I'm not even sure of myself. I was looking at my tattoos before and it got me thinking. The reason I chose a swallow was they're monogamous birds. Once they find their mate they mate for life. It's the whole, soul-mate concept. It's romantic. It appeals to me. My other animal of choice is the rabbit; who are definitely not monogamous. They hump anything with a pulse. In fact, they hump things without a pulse; I've had a few unfortunate soft toys in my time. Granted the fact their horny bastards isn't why I like rabbits - but it's odd that the two animals so different should appeal the most. I guess it's confirmation that nothing in life is black or white, there's always grey areas.
Or maybe I'm just talking shit because I'm miserable, drinking my own bodyweight in tea and eating a lot of doritoes and the remainder of my Easter eggs. Who knows?
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