I haven’t blogged in quite some time. There’s a couple of reasons.

1.       I cut my fingertip off. As you probably know I’m no stranger to injury. I have considered asking about a Loyalty Fast track pass at A&E. But the funny thing is that I’ve felt more incapacitated with my fingertip than I did with say; a broken neck. I always thought it would be the other way round but the only thing my neck has stopped me from doing is – moshing, skydiving. Not every day stuff. My finger on the other hand; typing, cooking, bathing. Pretty much everything really. It’s much better now, bar limited feeling in the tip itself but I can use it again. Which is why I'm blogging again.

2. I've been bloody busy. Work has been arduous lately, more so than usual. It seems to never stop. Even when I come home there's always something - cleaning, food shopping, some errand to run. I think this is what adulthood is now. It's no wonder my parents used to enjoy holidays quite so much. Hell I know I need one.

But if there is one thing I'm intent on making time for in my busy little hive; it's people. So any time I do have a spare minute I'm making plans, seeing friends.

3. I wasn't sure what to say, reading back they were getting pretty repetitive. All about the ups and downs of life, the bad luck but the keeping positive. In that respect nothings changed, my current mantra is - 'fluctuat nec mergitur' - she who is tossed by the waves but does not sink; a keeping positive is working, I feel happier as a person. I'm actually learning it's easier to ignore the waves, they don't toss you as much then. Just swim into a calmer bit of sea. 

So what's been going on in the calmer seas? 

I’ve had two photoshoots both of which proved a challenge in my modelling career. The first was  Harlequin shoot which was a full body paint shoot, I spent five hours in hair and makeup. The biggest challenge presented itself though when throughout modelling there are some key basics – stand up tall, be graceful, elegant, if your bending your body should curve, flow. For the Harlequin we wanted distorted. Broken limbs, snapped out at every angle. Jointy angles. Posing didn’t come as naturally. Nevertheless I was really pleased with the results.  

The second shoot was an Avant Garde hair shoot. I had the pleasure of working with Karen Evans Hair Stylist. We met last year on a shoot, oddly she wasn’t doing my hair at the shoot in question I had a different stylist and she a different model, but we clicked and have worked together a few times since.  She’s a very positive person, and I find they’re easier to be around with the new mantra. If you hang around with negative people you find yourself swimming upstream fighting it. Anyway! The shoot itself was a challenge because I was wearing a headpiece of 5/6 layers. You’ll know from balancing anything on your head you tend to keep quite stiff. Which again, trying to look elegant while holding yourself stiff isn’t the easiest thing. But nevertheless I enjoyed the shoot and can’t wait to see the final pics.

 I spent one weekend down in Burton visiting Sam which was lovely. I’ve known Sam now for coming up to six years which is kind of weird – I always sort of thought as people I knew from Waterloo/school as old friends, and people in my life from uni onwards as ‘new’ friends – but there’s nothing new about them anymore. He’s become an old friend, but remains one of my closest. As long as I’ve known him he always comes to Liverpool for visits so I finally agreed to go and actually visit him.  It was a lovely weekend, it was so nice to have a change of scenery, and a break away. Sure Burton is hardly Barbados but it still felt like a holiday. And they serve drinks in tea cups, which is reason enough to go.

 

The final thing I’ve been doing with myself is making choices. There’s a famous poem, a favourite of mine by Robert Frost called The Road Not Taken. It’s about coming to the crossroads in life and how most people choose the same route rather than the route that’s uncertain. My own crossroads has split into three. I could keep on the road I’m on; working in a job I don’t really like and stresses me out; but it’s secure, and it pays the bills. That’s the route most would take, because in many respects it’s the easiest. 

Another fork leads off back into the world of education, and Genetics Counselling. Pursuing something I’m really passionate about;  but taking a step back financially, and not even guaranteeing myself employment.

 Then there’s option three, even more of a risk, but at the moment, what I’m veering towards. I’ve got a pretty impressive travel record; from most of Europe; France, Czech, Germany, Spain, to Russia, to Asia, both North; Tunisia, Canaries; too Thailand. But that’s a tiny, miniscule bit of the world, and there’s so much more out there. I have some Visas to apply for, some of which involve medicals which is my biggest worry – but I really want to get out and see more of the world before I choose a place to settle in it. It’s incredibly risky, and the road leasw frequently travelled. But the ones who choose that road; they usually have the best stories :) 

I'm a big believer in signs. Not 'from God' or astrology or crop circles; but more that things generally happen in coordination; and more often than not - the signs I see end up inspiring me. So; this is my week....

On Monday morning I logged into Facebook on my lunch break and was met with a torrent of status' about the death of Margaret Thatcher. Now I know when famous people die, the jokes start. Whether they were adored or hated, there's always puns and witty little remarks; and even if it's bad taste, I often find myself laughing. I saw a few jokes, but mostly I saw venom. "I hope she suffered in the end."/"I hope she rots in hell."/ "Has made my week, best news, party time!" .etc.etc I was kind of taken aback. I am not a Thatcher fan; partially because when her office ended; I was a fetus. Mostly because what I did know of her, she was ruthless, cold hearted, and a lot of people suffered at the hand of her decisions. It alarmed me at people's nature. I don't hate many people. I dislike plenty, I'm not much of a people person if I'm honest. But hatred in reserved for a select few people in my life; and while I am pleased they are not in my life; I do not wish them to not be in life. It also made me pretty sad. When she was in power she made bad decisions, horrible decisions. But then she left, and 23 years on, people still harbor such strong hatred, loathing, resentment towards her. 23 years is a long time. My lifetime. It's a long time to hate.

So after lunch I spent work feeling disgruntled by it all. Then later a client came in. It pains me that because of confidentiality I can't tell you about her properly. Because her story is an inspiring one. But the jist is - she has gone through hell. When she told me her story my eyes filled with tears. A counsellor is not meant to cry at a client. It's meant to be the other way round. I tried to put myself in her shoes but could not fathom it. My sorrows paled in comparison. So she cried for a bit; then once she got it out her system, she smiled at me. She went on to tell me all the good things in her life. All the things that she had to be happy about. At the end of the session she was beaming, she was so grateful and instead I felt like I was the one who should be saying thank you, I left feeling inspired.

I came home that night and tucked into my new book; 'The Silver Linings Playbook'. Normally with books I like to read before I watch the film, but I caught the film last week which I really enjoyed, so treated myself to the read. The book and the film are very different, incredibly different. But the basic skeleton is there. It's about a guy, Pat Peoples. Pat has a mental illness. He makes a lot of mistakes, does a lot of bad things. But it's about his road to recovery, learning from his mistakes, changing, growing; and finding the silver linings in the bad. Which is inspiring too, because as it goes on and you see some of the fucked up things people do, and then you see to the people who really matter, in the long run, it's okay. Which put a lot of things into perspective. I know it's just a book, a fiction. But the best writers, write what they know. So I always like to think there is some element of truth behind the scenes.

If nothing else, the silver lining of this cloud is that
it's shaped like a motherf**cking bunny!

So this is what I took from my week of signs. I don't want to be like Margaret Thatcher. I know it wouldn't be on quite such a grand scale, but I don't like the idea of anyone feeling joy at my passing, of anyone relishing my suffering. I want to be like my client - seeing the good in the bad times. Not getting dragged down by it all when things do get tough. I want to be like Pat Peoples. Making mistakes, but making amends too. Fucking up but then making it right.

I've made a lot of mistakes. I've done some awful things, things I'm not proud of, that leave me remorseful. As a result of a lot of these things I've lost friends, disappointed loved ones; which only makes me feel worse. But instead of dwelling on it I'm going to change from it. Make amends. Maybe not gain friendships back - but at least make peace with them. Learn to appreciate the people who stood by me through the mistakes, and really cherish them. Learn to be better. That's how I've been inspired this week; and honestly, I feel happier already.

I've been neglecting this blog a little of late so I'll try and make this post a hearty one!

Yesterday was my 23rd birthday. I wasn't overly excited about it if I'm honest - it was nice to have time off work but the actual birthday concept didn't overwhelm me. Everyone older than me had the same to say; "Yeah, that's what happens."

Anyway, it did turn out to be a nice day. I went into town to do some shopping and then went for lunch and a pint of fruili in the Ship and Mitre (for old times sake); followed by heading out that evening to Wetherspoons for some food and drinks. I got some lovely presents, one of which being a new laptop which I have so desperately desired. My old one finally died of old age a few months ago; and while I can use the phone for Facebook and checking emails;  hobbies that play a big role in my life such as writing took a back seat. I couldn't write my articles, novels or blogs. Speaking of blogs; my new one is now up and running. I keep plugging it I know but it would be nice for it to take off a bit, hopefully to some people; it is more interesting than my general vagina waffle: New Blog.

I also got some lovely cards. I know most people these days tend to only be interested in a card if it's got money inside but me; I am a lover of cards. I think it means more sometimes when someone gets you a card that really suits you because it shows effort has been made. Poor Jake has had his fair share of earfuls about this and my love of 'the right' card - but he did me proud and got me this brilliant one. I also got one from a friend that has me all over :)

The absence of a laptop has meant I've been paying more attention to my other computer. My PS3 has been getting a lot of use lately; helped by the large number of great games out at the moment. I've been dabbling in Bioshock Infinite, Metal Gear Rising, but I think the game that deserves a special mention is Tomb Raider. I remember being six years old; telling my mum and dad that I wanted to be an archaeologist. It wasn't because I liked history; it was because I wanted to be Lara Croft - and let's be honest - who didn't? The new Tomb Raider is a prequel to the original games and shows you how a timid teenage girl with a pine for adventure becomes that woman we all wanted (and let's be honest still want) to be.

But the game also really shows how things change in the world of computers. When I was six years old - Lara Croft was a pixelated cartoon. Her boobs were Madonna-esque triangles that were massively out of proportion to her enviously slender frame. She would dive and leap around tombs, shimmy across walls, backflip of them - and she wouldn't get a scratch. She would brave the artic in her signature vest and shorts without so much as a shiver. But we didn't care - because it was a game. It wasn't reality therefore the fact it wasn't real didn't bother us.

Games now are going the other way; pushing towards reality; and honestly, the new Tomb Raider captures that beautifully. As the game goes on, both through gameplay and cut scenes - Lara gets dirtier, scratched, and more generally rough looking. When the wind and snow come she visibly shudders, clutches her arms and draws herself in for warmth. The first time she takes a life she is violently sick and you can practically feel her emotion.  It's brilliant, because Lara is still kick-ass, but it's got you on emotional level too now. You're scared for her, concerned for her, and you're rooting for her; and not just because you want to complete the game.
Anyway, well worth a play, with lots of little hidden extras aside from the story that keep you going for hours.

I'll leave you with a quote from Ms Croft, though I'm pretty sure someone else said it before she did.

"Fluctuat nec mergitur -   she who is tossed by the waves but does not drown in them"

There's a lot of waves in my life right now. Good thing I can swim.

It's kind of blown my mind that we're now looming towards the end of March. This year is going just as fast as the last one, if not faster. With that in mind I want to make sure I don't waste it and am getting planning!!

Work-wise; I've applied for a full time Counselling position. I'm not sure if I'll get it because unfortunately I don't have much in the way experience which is key for the job; and that's something that will only come with time. But I've made the decision if I don't get it I'll be returning to university to complete a course in Genetics Counselling. Having a specialty should give me an edge; and I think it would be such a rewarding job. Sometimes clients come in and their problems are very trivial, very small in the grand scheme of things.

Part of the problem is the social networking generation. We're all so used to interacting online that when it comes to a real life social situation people don't know how to act, how to communicate effectively. That's why when it comes to things like depression people tend to struggle more that they should - they can't get the help they need from friends because friends aren't sure about the right thing to say - so they end up coming to counselling for smaller problems; which then makes it difficult to empathize with them. At least with Genetics counselling the problem will always be severe; plus the bigger the problem, the more rewarding helping with it.

Outside of work stuff; my writing is coming along - slowly but surely. My laptop broke a few weeks ago so computer access is limited which has put a bit of a freeze on things, but a new one is on my birthday wishlist and as soon as it's up and running I'll get back to it.

I've also decided to start a new blog that's more focused around fashion/girly stuff. You can take a look at it here; obviously posts are limited at the moment. I've seen a lot of 'What I Wore today' blogs and it's similar- I'll post outfits and also post things I've bought, sales, where the bargains are. That sort of thing. Just another little hobby!  You can read it here.  It needs work design wise.etc but again probably something I won't get round to until I have a new laptop!

On the topic of hobbies exercise is going to be a big addition to my life this year. Now that my heart is all better I want to keep taking care of it. I want to be fitter, and I want my body to tone up. I'm starting with exercise DVD's from home - then when the weather gets better - back running and climbing again too.

I'm keeping my social calendar as full as possible too. Last weekend I went out to town with a few of my old course-mates. It was a lovely night, seeing everyone was really nice. Some of them have kids now which blows my mind.

Last night we ventured out for Jake's birthday which was a nice evening; a mix of his old school friends and newer friends but it was nice to see everyone. Next weekend we're doing Sunday lunch with another couple which is becoming a new favorite past-time. I've found I really enjoy cooking for people and it's so nice to have a nice meal, a glass of wine where you can talk properly. I'm growing weary of going to bars where you have to shout over blaring music. Yes; I realise I sound like a grumpy old woman but sod it; I feel old, may as well act it! Then in the next few weeks I've got a housewarming for another uni friend, then it's my birthday.

All in all, should be a good few weeks. :)

“It never rains but it pours.” 

My life of late has been this exact phrase – everything’s happened at once. But in some ways I’m glad. A lot of the bad stuff that came to a climax has been going on for months. Burden’s that I’ve been carrying for a long time I’m finally free of. i have said to a lot of friends that my hope is I have a rough two months so that I can get it all out the way – and I can see light at the end of the tunnel.

Health wise I’m doing well. I had my review appointment at the doctors and they were able to give me the ‘all clear’. My operation was a success, and my heart is in full working order. My scars have healed to the point of barely visible too, so I’m not left with an unsightly reminder of what I went through. I’ve said this a few times I know; but just again quickly; a massive thank you to friends who were around for me during my op/recovery period. It meant so much to me. The operation has also motivated me to get my fitness at its peak. I’ll be easing myself in but the plan is to have a regular exercise regime to help myself stay as healthy as I can be.

What else has happened? My nan passed away last week. I didn’t talk much about her to anyone but she was very ill for a very long time. The word burden sounds harsh and unpleasant, but there is no denying the emotional drain that situation can have on you. Especially to someone like me, I like helping people, it brings me pleasure. So to watch someone I care about in pain, suffering – and me unable to do anything except maybe offer company – it’s not easy. I am sad, she was an amazing woman. She lived a truly tragic life but never gave up, even at the end she held on to the point medical professionals were astounded. Her strength was inspiring, but I am relieved that she’s no longer suffering. It was an unpleasant ordeal, death always is. But it’s a part of life, so I’m dealing with it in the best way I can, and plunging myself into being there for my family who maybe aren’t so headstrong on the subject. I actually spent a lovely evening with my dad sorting through old photographs. Some went back as far as 1950's when my nan was around my age. It was surreal,   but it kind of got me thinking. In 60 years who will be looking at my photos. Will they stand the test of time?
A definite 'to do' list for this year is to take more pictures; and also to print more. I have a few albums but more can't hurt.

Other stuff happened over the last couple of weeks too, I can’t say too much on but it’s given me a clearer head, taken extra weight of my shoulders. I’m hopeful for the next few weeks, few months. Exciting stuff lies on the horizon both in home life and work life. I feel more like myself on many fronts, not just health wise but I feel happier in myself too.

I had my review in Counselling and my feedback was glowing. It made me so happy, I’m still on a high from it. Doing something I love as a career is a pleasure, doing something I love and being told I’m really good at it is incredibly rewarding. I already said in my last blog that I knew the direction I wanted to move forward with my life work wise, and this has just re-affirmed it.

At the start of this year I was confused, upset and unsure of everything. Now I'm happier, feeling more confident about who I am, where I am and what I want - it's very nice. Given that I have my social life back, my next blog will have a bit more of what I've been up to, and less of the vag waffle, promise.

So this is my first blog of 2013 – and honestly, 2013 has started on a bit of a low. But; as with all lows, it’s come with silver linings, but I will get to that.

So, the low? As most of you know I recently had surgery for my ongoing problem with my heart, relating to my condition. For those of you who didn’t know – the nutshell was I was over-releasing hormones you release when emotional which make your rib cage swell up. If it swells significantly it can cause extreme discomfort and potentially heart failure; something I was unlucky enough to experience twice over the last year. This surgery I had a mini version last August, but this year was a bigger, more serious op. It’s left me unable to go out; the smallest excursions leave me exhausted and alcohol is a strict no-no. In fact so is anything that affects your heart rate, so caffeine is also off the menu.  So – that’s the low of the year – those silver linings?

The first and most obvious is that this op has hopefully solved the problem. Despite the recovery period being a bit of a pain in the arse – one month off having a social life is better than social events for the rest of your life being ruined by your inability to remain conscious and ‘technically’ alive.

The second is that (and for not the first time) – the people in my life have overwhelmed me. The day after my op I was inundated with texts, facebook messages, voicemails from people just checking up on me. I’ve had people drop by to visit, and friends coming to take me out for a bit so I don’t go stir crazy. It’s a comforting feeling knowing that whatever’s going on there are people looking out for you, and looking after you. Once again, to these friends, I can’t thank you enough. I'm glad I know you!

The third and final positive outcome, is that it puts everything into perspective. Life really is short. Too short of meaningless drama. Too short for worrying about what people think of you. I am a worrier, and I’m a dweller. I can spend hours stewing over situations, scenarios, even words. In the past I’ve let people hurt me, and really taken it to heart. But now; I’ve only got one life, possibly one shorter than most. I want to spend it living – laughing, loving, happy. So, if you’re my friend? Come join me. If you’re not, if you’re one of those people I don’t like; then all I will say is this. There are not many people I dislike, and if you are one of the few, then there is a valid reason for my feeling that way. But that’s that, I don’t like you. End. I’m content to not know you, to treat you as a stranger and to pretend you’re not in my life, because I don’t want you to be. I don’t want trouble, or games, or rumours, or drama. It's actually exhausting. So I'm throwing in the towel, play on your own. All I want is positivity in my life now. 

So what does this year hold? Counselling is going amazingly well, it’s a job that just doesn’t seem like work. It’s a pleasure to do. Even though my current role is not a permanent position, there’s not a doubt in my mind that it’s what I want to spend my life doing. It might mean some more time in university, and I’m seriously considering completing a PHD in Counselling and Psychotherapy; but it will be well worth it, because it is so rewarding when people say "You've really helped me, you've really changed things for the better." 

I also have had a lot of photographers getting in touch about shoots. It’s funny; I thought I’d reached my peak in terms of modelling when I was younger. It was always a way to earn cash and fill free time when I was a student. Now that I’m earning, and have limited free time, I expected it to draw to a close – but I’ve had a massive amount of interest lately from some fantastic commercial and editorial names; plus some exciting more off the wall ideas with local photographers. I'm getting back underwater; back in the body paint, there's wigs galore  and some bespoke outfits too. It's all going to be very fun! As soon as I’m fit and well – I’m looking forward to getting back in front of the camera.

Some time off has allowed me to get back into my writing. I still kept up my blogs, and various reviews for magazines/websites that I do. But my real passion is fiction writing. Last year ’50 Shades of Grey’ hit the shelves and everyone was talking about it. So I jumped on the bandwagon, I picked up a copy, I read. It held my interest with the promise of forbidden erotica, and then completely failed to deliver. Despite the book supposedly being about a dom and his sub, 80% of the book was quite vanilla. Worst of all, it was so badly written. I’m not the best writer in the world, but I do think my writing ability surpasses that. Not to mention getting a book published is much easier now. So I’m going to give it a try - I am 21,496 words in to my book currently, with strong ideas of where I want it to go and how it’s going to pan out. Who knows what could happen; watch this space!

Finally, as I said – I want a life full of laughter, and happiness. Which means planning lots of things with the people who mean most to me. I’ve already got lots of look forward to; nights out, some parties, a university reunion, holidays, gigs, weddings; maybe even some travelling. Another step towards happiness means some change on my part.

I am far from perfect and I have many flaws. I’ve made many mistakes along the way, and done things I’m not proud of. Even things that leave me appalled at myself.  I’m not going to say that I'm going to become perfect because, no doubt, I will inevitably fuck up somewhere along the way.  But, I’m going to try harder, to be better. Really try and iron out the stuff I’m not proud of, the things about me I don’t like; and hopefully, it’ll leave for a happier me. A new me. A fresh start.

So with that in mind... 

Pleased to meet you, my names Sally. I’m a counsellor in training, and a human resources officer until I get there. I also dabble in writing and modelling. I like bunny rabbits, and songs I can sing badly too in the shower/car; especially Journey. I like cups of tea and baking cakes. I also like pints of cider, bottles of red, and banter. I like shoes and dresses and wigs and makeup. I like PS3 games and movies and taking pictures.  I want to live in Thailand, that place made me very happy. I like being happy, and most of all, I like the people who make me that way. Make sure you all stay put please? :)