I've spent the last two nights looking at old photos. Everything from baby pictures, to dodgy haircuts of youth, to awkward young teen poses; to discovering alcohol and the start of 'drunk photos'. Some of them hold incredibly fond memories. At the age of 15-18 I took my camera everywhere and documented every day out, night out, everything. Despite my status with some of the people in those pictures now; they still make me smile, because at the time, I was happy. I was laughing. I have good memories.

It makes me smile that some people in the background of my photos, who at that time were strangers, now are so important to me. It makes me smile looking at photos of me and Jake before we were dating; thinking back to how we where then, and where we've ended up.

I think the point I'm making is that photos are good; and honestly, it makes me quite sad that I don't take as many pictures these days. There's plenty of 'Ohh look what I bought, look how cute my bunny is being or look what I'm having for dinner, yum' - but looking back at those pictures; they hardly hold a memory. A fondness.

So from now on I vow to be snap happy. I don't care if it's going to annoy everyone at the time; because ultimately, everyone is going to look back. They're going to smile. They're going to laugh at what they were wearing, how there hair was. They're going to remember what was going on at that exact moment in time - and it's going to hopefully, make them happy.

The days are starting to blend at the moment. Life has become a monotonous cycle of working throughout the week and finding myself too exhausted to do anything; followed by trying to pack as much into a weekend as possible while getting up to date with all the housework I've been too tired to do during the week. Or in other words; according to my mum; "Life from now on."

So what's going on in life from now on. My last blog I discussed the decision about moving to Canada. I was still torn over it but the deadline came and I made a tough decision. It would have been wonderful. Beautiful location; a fantastic job opportunity. A chance for a fresh start. But things are a bit of a mess here. The sort of problems you can't run away and hide from. Packing up a tangled and messy life and moving somewhere new would mean starting a new life tangled and messy. I want to iron out the creases before I can start again.

The job is going; better. I still miss my old work and the people but I feel I'm settling a bit better; finding my feet a bit more. There's more potential with this job to climb the HR ladder and I've been told in a year I could be looking at a HR Manager title; with the added bonus of moving over to the Liverpool side. I'm not going to start getting hyped because like I said, that's a year from now, and a lot can change in a year.

A lot has changed. This time last year I was sitting my final exams; it seems like not that long ago, and at the same time, seems like a lifetime ago. The people are different too. I've drifted from those I was closest too then; some partially distant, uni friends moving back home, others, it just sort of happened. I'm having a uni reunion in May which I'm really excited for because a select few of that lot I really do bloody miss. I've got closer to people too though; people who were in my life then, and are in it more now; and I'm glad. I'm lucky to know some amazing people. I'd especially like to give massive kudos to the lads I've spent the last few weekends with.

Anyway, I know the blogs lately have been kind of dull and slow - but hey, that's life at the moment ha. May is bringing a few exciting things; uni reunion and of course, the holiday - so things will hopefully, be a bit of a better read from here on. I'm also taking steps on sorting my life out; part of it is dull - joining the gym and doing sports... bleurgh... but I want to sort my fitness levels out and tone up; and laser eye surgery to stop blindness. But part of it is pretty exciting. I won't say much for now, but well, keep watching this space :)

It's been a bad day. I couldn't sleep last night. I couldn't stop thinking. Just lay there stewing in my thoughts. Then this morning when I got into work; I went for an x-ray; an x-ray to find out if my broken neck from two years ago was all healed up so I could take part in a skydive, they uncovered a lot more breaks. I am literally falling apart it seems. 

Mentally too; I feel unhappy at the moment. One of the main problems is; well – have you ever been dumped? More so when it’s been a surprise. When you’re still in love and want to work things out rather than just give up. Even after all is said and done you still find yourself hoping they’ll call, say they made a mistake, they want you back. That’s a bit what I feel like with my old job.  Granted I’ve been lucky to find work as quickly as I have, and it pays significantly more too. I should be jumping up and down. But I guess the truth is; this job feels like a rebound. Sure he’s flashier and better looking; but he’s just not the same as the one I love. That’s what it feels like. I miss it so much. The people, the banter. Even the routine I had. I set my own efficient system up in that place – it meant I was on top of everything and everything ran smooth. Here is all operates so differently. No one speaks. There’s no banter. There’s not even chit chat. My old team knew every corner of my life; what I had for dinner the night before, what I was doing on the weekend. Which friends I seeing, which friends I had fell out with. They knew Jake and his life. And I knew them, their friends, their partners and lives. I think when you spend everyday with people a similar age, a similar living situation and similar personalities you can’t help but bond. Part of me is hoping they’ll call and say they need me. Or, I don’t know. Everyone here gets the sack (except me) and my old colleagues can come here. It’s childish, and its stupid, but I can’t help but want it.

Don’t worry this isn’t a ‘woe is me’ blog because like I said, I’m lucky to have any job. For those of you who don’t know; I’m the newly appointed HR Officer at Clatterbridge Cancer Centre. On the Human Resources Ladder it’s a step up from my old job; with the next rung up being Management position. I had the job interview on my birthday and was asked to start the next day. A very quick transition, left the world of work on Friday, was back in by the Wednesday. This is only a fixed term position until August so the hunt for a permanent job is still on. My options are still swayed between sticking around and moving to Canada. Everyone I spoke to has encouraged the move (so much so I’m wondering if they want rid of me). Kidding, I think. I do want the adventure, the excitement, the something new.  But I don’t want to set myself backward. If I move, and it was only for a year or so; then in a year’s time, I’d be back where I am now. Trying to find work, trying to find somewhere to live while probably living with the parents and no offence to them, but just no. I’m past the point of being able to live with any figure like that in my life. My relationship with them is better apart.

That being said, I need to get away. Even if it’s not necessarily as far as Canada, I just need to escape. I was so exciting about moving to Waterloo because it was close to friends, central to everything. I didn’t think about how close it was to the people I don’t want to see. The people you run into every weekend even though you’d rather never see them again. The same old people cropping up over and over. The drama of it all. At one point I let myself get really worked up over it all. Really upset or angry. I’m past that, I do my best to just not get involved. It still makes me weary though. I just want to escape it. 

One of my favourite things to look at in Psychology was the disorders. Schizophrenia, Multiple Personality - it absolutely fascinates me. The more experience I get in life though; especially lately; the more I realise. They're not disorders, not really. Some people just have it worse than others, more potent. Because the amount of times I hear people say; "They've changed." Friends fall out, relationships fall apart; and one of the biggest reasons is this personality switch. People start acting differently. I've experienced it myself; a dozen times. It's the reason I've fell apart from some friends, its the reason some relationships have broken apart. Just last night I found myself getting upset by a friend's reaction I wasn't expecting, something out of character. Or maybe it was in character. I don't know anymore. 

I'm not even sure of myself. I was looking at my tattoos before and it got me thinking. The reason I chose a swallow was they're monogamous birds. Once they find their mate they mate for life. It's the whole, soul-mate concept. It's romantic. It appeals to me. My other animal of choice is the rabbit; who are definitely not monogamous. They hump anything with a pulse. In fact, they hump things without a pulse; I've had a few unfortunate soft toys in my time. Granted the fact their horny bastards isn't why I like rabbits - but it's odd that the two animals so different should appeal the most. I guess it's confirmation that nothing in life is black or white, there's always grey areas. 

Or maybe I'm just talking shit because I'm miserable, drinking my own bodyweight in tea and eating a lot of doritoes and the remainder of my Easter eggs. Who knows?

I figured I'd write one last blog today; my last blog as a 21 year old. What a year it's been. I won't do a big reminisce but if you know me, you'll know it's been a busy year. Hell it's been a busy last few weeks. I said I'd update you on everything properly soon so here we are:

Starting with work. Friday was my last day of work with the Five Boroughs Partnership NHS team. I arrived into work to find a gorgeous bunch of flowers sitting on my desk. From there it only got better, we had cakes and spent most of the day reminiscing. By the time 3pm rolled around we were called in for a meeting; which ended with everyone presenting me with a card, a bottle of wine, and an £80 Pets At Home voucher for a hutch and a rabbit. By this time I was fighting tears. Not to say I was expecting anything; but at most - it had been, a bottle of wine, or the flowers. Not even both of those. But I really hadn't been expecting that much. Following our meeting we were dismissed and we all headed out for drinks. I'm going to miss my team so much. They were, and still remain, some of the nicest people I've ever met. I guess the fact we got on so well, really clicked, kind of had given me this security I'd be working with them for a long time. Sort of a; 'meant to be' complex. But oh well, I'm grateful for the time I had with them and I really hope we can still keep in touch.

Rabbits. Anyone who knows me even a little bit knows I love bunnies. I've been wanting to get another one for ages but waiting on a cage. But voucher in hand we went down to the pet store, got a cage and a little black ball of fur who I have named Valentine. (I think you need to know about my passion for FFVII to get that reference.) At the pet shop a different bunny caught Jake's eye, a bigger silvery white one.  The cage is big enough for them both and I suppose it's nice to give them company so we ended up heading home with two bunnies instead of the one. It's made me so happy. Just doing day to day things like sitting watching telly but having something to cuddle and give you affection. It puts a smile on my face. I think it's what I've needed for a long time something to look after and now I have just that.

What else has been going on? Well, job hunting. I covered this in the last blog. My decision still isn't made from then. But I'll be making it tomorrow. I've had an interview for the job and it's been left on very good terms. Tomorrow there are a few - 'formalities' but I'm quite hopeful. Plus it's my birthday so I'm hoping it will turn out lucky for me. Canada decision is still unmade due to unforseen complications, not to mention now having rabbits. But I always say, everything happens for a reason. In the meantime I've been doing quite a bit of modelling. The one benefit of not having work is you have time for shoots. Agency work is quite busy at the moment; lots of places wanting adverts for new summer things so that's kept me going. I did my first body paint shoot last week too. An experience to say the least. Being covered head to toe in black paint - it was bizarre. It kind of felt like a costume. It was definitely an alter-ego for me. The pictures so far look good though, very freaky but quite powerful. It's  something a bit different for my portfolio anyway.

Not much else going on. The holiday is creeping up on us; a week in Turkey with Jake and friends. I'm excited for that. I've never been away with friend before as such so should be an experience. The holiday shopping has started - but it has however left me with one dilemna. Monokinis. I really like them. I might get one for the upcoming holiday - but does it leave with some seriously dodgy tan lines? Answers please.