Memoirs Of A Graduate

See one of the pros of life is also a con. Or vice versa, depending how full or empty your glass is. I’m talking about uncertainty. My last blog talked about how I could never have predicted my future now and who would be in it, namely my partner. That was a positive; the uncertainty brings a sort of excitement about the possibilities open to you in life, especially ones you can’t even foresee. Unfortunately that uncertainty can also be a negative.

On Monday the news was broken to me that come the end of the month my job would be gone. This was such a shock. My contract isn’t a permanent one so I was always aware there would be an end; I just didn’t expect it to be so soon. It’s bizarre, I know redundancy can happen at any time; but I sort of always associated it with being older. I never expected to be made redundant at 21. After the shock the panic set in. Payments on the flat. Bills. My car. Insurance. The holiday I had just booked four days earlier. It all came crashing down that the little life I’d built for myself, the life that I’d worked fantastically hard to get on its feet and going where I wanted was about to come crashing down.

Coupled with this I got some pretty bad news from the doctor as well. I don’t really want to discuss it here but those closest to me already know. The two things combined almost sent me spiralling. When everything piles on at once it’s difficult to keep yourself afloat. You do start to feel sorry for yourself; you feel like you’re being picked on and it all seems a bit hopeless. But I’ve managed to fight it, sort of. Jake was amazing. He calmed me down a massive amount and reassured me it would be okay; we could survive just as long as we skimped on a few luxuries.  He really did keep me held up. I don’t know why it even surprises me. He’s done the same for four years.

I still feel like shit about it all, and it still massively sucks, but despite it all I’m trying to stay positive. There are people in my work who have children. Single parents. To be made redundant at that stage when you've got people other than yourself relying on you would be a far worse situation. Anyway, I’m trying to tell myself over and over that everything happens for a reason. Maybe I’ll get a better job I wouldn’t have been open too when I was employed. Or maybe it’s just to help me appreciate what I’ve got. How important Jake is, friends, family – over money, or even my own health. I guess one thing it's made me realise is how easy it is to ignore the trivial stuff, the little dramas. 


I made a tumblr account for my modelling stuff; and on there is the option to ask an anonymous question. Within a week I had one question (well not really a question more a random anon insult) - http://sallydaviesmodel.tumblr.com/  As soon as a I read it I did think, oh, that's a bit upsetting. Then I realised with everything going on, how little affect it had on anything in my life. Loosing my job might mean I can't afford to keep my home or my car. Loosing my health might mean I might be in pain, maybe even eventually die. But, someone writing a nasty comment. Fuck it. It makes no difference to me really. None of it does, the people I don't get on with, and what? I don't get on with them. What would be the point of letting them upset me when so much else is going on. It would be stupid. It is stupid; and I think I've finally reached that point where I'm passed caring at all. 


Maybe that was the point of it all, to let me get over some of the things in the past. Maybe it's all come crashing down so that I could cross something off my list. Anyway, consider it crossed. 


23) Remove from life the people who upset me completely. Stop letting them get to you. 


Fingers crossed when I write again, it'll be a bit happier. Jake's birthday, my birthday, and the holiday are all on the horizon, plus the uncertainty of maybe a new career (hopefully), or whose knows what else. I guess that's the beauty of it.