I never met my grandfather on my dad’s side. He died when my dad was two years old. He was a sailor, his boat sank. I remember once my dad showing me a scrapbook with a newspaper article; something written by one of the survivors about how they had heard him screaming, he’d been crushed by a bunk bed, they couldn’t get him out so they ran from the sinking ship... and he drowned.

It’s a horrible way to go. But – other than that thought; I never really dwelled on it. He was a stranger; he died a tragic death, but he was a stranger to me. Even to my dad really.

It’s only recently I thought about my nan.  She was 23; nearly the age I am now.  I guess those days it was how it was done, marry young. She was twenty three years old; left with a dead husband and a two year old son to raise on her own. She never took her wedding ring off.... never moved on, found someone else.  It’s been over 60 years.

I always sort of never really clicked with her; because she was so miserable all the time. She hated the world and everything in it. When I was a kid I couldn’t understand, and even when I grew up a I didn’t really give it much thought. But now; I get it. Why shouldn’t she – she went through hell; and it consumed her.

Our lives and the events within them shape the people we become. We grow older, wiser, learn from mistakes and get to know what makes us happy. The important lesson is; don’t let it mould you completely.... you still have that control to choose the person you are.

I’m going through my own personal hell at the moment. Perhaps not on the same grand scale as my nan faced – but everyone’s troubles, regardless of how big or small, are still troubles. I know I briefly discussed it in my last blog and honestly; things have only got worse since then. I’m not going to lie I’ve been struggling to cope. I’m not in denial about the whole wearing my heart of my sleeve thing, and while generally speaking I can usually keep myself relatively composed if the time and place isn’t right; I haven’t been.

People keep acknowledging me and how shitty I look.  As soon as they say the words – “You look awful. Are you okay?” I can’t help but feel my eyes water and that traitorous bottom lip starting to quiver. If I try and mutter any semblance of words in reply it comes out in a high pitched noise so I’m just standing there, tears down my cheeks squealing at them. It’s not a good look.

The problem with emotional sickness like depression is in many ways it’s worse than the physical. You literally shut down. For a girl who normally orders a double burger with extra bacon, extra cheese and has a Mary Poppins bag of chocolate for snacking on at all times.... I’ve had no appetite whatsoever. The amount of food I’ve eaten in two weeks is probably equivalent to the amount I’d normally eat in two days. I don’t sleep at night anymore. Those rare bouts I do manage I wake in a cold sweat after a nightmare. I’m run down and then you feel worse because everyone’s going round telling you how crap you look. Which makes you feel more sad. It’s a vicious cycle.

I’m faced with several options. I could continue to wallow and hope that in the eventual future it will get better, it will improve on its own. I could give up completely. Or I could start taking control of my life and not let it mould me into someone I really don’t want to be moulded into. I don’t want to be the little old lady hating the world cus the world hates me. I want to smile. I want to eat and sleep and go dancing, laugh. That’s the option I want to choose.

One thing I have to say is when you are going through hell there is nothing more uplifting than other people. I can’t name you but I’m hoping you know who you are; you people out there – whether a grand gesture, or just a hug, an arm round my shoulder...  a text, a message. It’s helping so much. It might not seem like much to you but to me; it’s everything. Unfortunately it comes with a negative, when those that are there for you step forward, it makes it easy to see who didn’t. Which sucks; it’s never nice thinking someone cares about you only to learn they don’t. But I won’t dwell on that because I can honestly say it’s been a minority. So thank you to the good ones. The good people. I hope I never loose you. 

I don't really know what else to say. I don't want to harp on about my misery, I'm going to try and keep positive again from now on. It's going to be one step at a time and there's a big chance it will involve a massive change for me. I'm not a big fan of change; sure I like to mess with my hair style, try a new look. But, I like familiarity. I guess that's one of the things I'm struggling with at the moment, that something so familiar changed so suddenly, it was a shock. I physically suffered shock, then grief. Denial. Anger. Sorrow. ... I'm still working on the acceptance stage. 

But, time will tell I guess. Keep watching this space. 

Excuse my French; but things are proper shit right now. It always seems to be that when one thing goes wrong so does everything else – it all piles on you at once and you find yourself completely overwhelmed.  You don’t even know where to start to make things better.

It’s like that now. I was really excited about starting my new job – working so close to home – the shortest commute I’ve ever had. It didn’t seem too bad in the start either, a little isolated; and I was always busy. But busy isn’t necessarily bad. It was busy but able to cope – I was getting my work done but at the same time it filled my day.  Suddenly it’s changed. I’ve been landed looking after 6 new trusts – all of them different processes, all of them in tatters. I’ve never felt so completely clueless in a job before. But because you’re so isolated there’s no one around to even ask. Then the calls start coming; managers kicking off about various work. It’s not a particularly easy job to calm and angry manager when you know exactly what you’re telling them, you know the problem and you can explain it to them. Which makes it near impossible to diffuse them when you don’t know what’s happening. You feel like an idiot. They let you know they think that of you.

You should be able to pack up work and leave it; 9-5. It shouldn’t seep into your life outside. But it does. I’ve come home nearly every night this week and ended up a sobbing mess on Jake’s lap. I haven’t slept – because I’m worrying about what the next day will bring. Lack of sleep means you’re even more emotionally compromised. It’s just never ending. I’m so run down at the moment, feel ill. It’s just a mess. A job shouldn’t do that too you. I’m desperately looking for something else now.

There’s everything else too. My nan’s unwell; and I don’t know, she’s 87 so I suppose she’s had a good full life but – death is always horrible. There’s other little things too I’d probably rather not discuss so openly; but again the closest to me will know what's really bothering me right now on top of everything else. 

I guess it’s the only positive of going through hell. When you’re falling to pieces; you spot the ones who are there, gathering the pieces up ready to fit them back together. I’m truly humbled by some of the people I have the pleasure to know. I want to apologise to them; because I know being miserable all the time is annoying. It’s not me. I’ve been putting all my efforts this year into – seeing the positive side, living life to the full. Not letting stuff get me down.  I was doing pretty well too until all this (I think). I want that back.

I’ve been signed off today. Doctors ordered are lots of rest and nothing stressful. So I’m here – pyjamas on. Massive mug of hot chocolate. Writing. Writing always calms me down. Which reminds me; I’m writing for cracked now and I’m freaking out cus they gave me two weeks to do my first official article. Innovation is lacking. Or it’s not; but I’m bringing personal stuff too much into my writing so it’s about shitty jobs or people being let downs. Hopefully this weekend, something will come to me.

But yeah – back to me getting on track. After writing this I’ll probably go make myself some eggs. Then job hunt like a bitch this afternoon. Phone up every contact I have and find ... something. Anything. Once thats sorted – I can work on getting the rest of me back together.

To everyone hanging on to the pieces for me – thank you again. You best believe you’re getting epic hugs, cheesecake ... and my undying appreciation that I have you in my life.

I've been saying for a while I wanted to do something for charity - bigger than selling cakes, I'm not a fantastic runner, and my broken neck prevents throwing myself form a plane (for now). A few years back I tried to organise a Help For Heroes calender but for several reasons it flopped. I've learned from the mistakes, and I'd love to do that again but have it work this time.

The twist; sex sells yes. But I think comedy has a greater appeal.

Then watching Britain and Ireland's next top model gave me idea. The shoot was channelling your inner male.   Yes okay the styling here is expensive and it's all very editorial. But it wasn't a bad idea - dressing like a guy. Then I thought about all the guys who told me last time they'd like to be involved. My mental image wasn't the immediate one of Calvin Klein underwear models with their gloriously photoshopped bodies and rugged five o'clock shadows.


Instead, it was quite an amusing one - of the boys, doing exactly what the girls had done. Pin-up. EDIT: Like this http://www.petapixel.com/2011/10/04/men-photographed-in-stereotypically-female-poses/

I can't speak for anyone else - but I wouldn't rush out to buy a calender of greased up six packs. I WOULD rush out to buy a calender of a bunch of regular guys, with regular bodies - having fun. Lying against a wall with their legs crossed above them, or straddling a chair. But then not all guys would, so the girls can get involved and do the opposite. Masculine style shoot with a comedy edge.

This is in very early stages, and it will be a 2014 calendar so there's plenty of time. I will be funding all the costs for printing, promotion, make-up and togs and all profits will go to a charity that's un-yet decided. Any suggestions feel free.

I'll be looking for both girls and guys to get involved. If we have more interest than that or if you want to take part but are nervous and would rather do it in a pair then by all means sign up. This won't be a naked calender. If you want to get naked then go for your life but it will be 'art nude' - we want a family friendly calendar! It also doesn't have to be underwear - again if you're comfortable with that go for your life. If you're not - that's fine. Most importantly you don't have to be a model/have any experience modelling/have 'model looks'. The more varied the better.

It's going to be about having fun; no one should feel nervous at any point.

Anyway; as I said - super early stages. But if anyone's interested, either in being a model or helping behind the scenes; drop me a message/leave a comment/text me. Just get in touch :)