Pre-read warning: This blog is quite depressing. You know why, I'm quite depressed; and writing about it helped a little. If you don't want to read about me being upset; don't read it. Don't say I didn't warn you. 

I’ve always figured I’d be a good therapist because I’ve got the right traits;  I’m a good listener, I’m empathetic and compassionate. The one issue is I’m too emotional, if something upsets me I can’t help but show it. I wear my heart on my sleeve. Which in the middle of a therapy session isn’t ideal. You have to be neutral, still empathetic; but if they’re telling you a tragedy, you can’t well up.

It’s not always a trait I like having. Sometimes it’s beneficial, but when I am sad, I hate it. A one off is okay but if it’s more long term then I don’t like to be that person whose always on a downer, because they’re not fun people to be with. After a long enough period it just gets annoying. So it annoys me that’s how I feel at the moment.

Work is the biggest contributor. It’s mental that when I started, 13 weeks ago; I was elated. I was good at the job, so much so I advanced quickly and just a few weeks my role held much more responsibility. It did feel like my niche and I didn’t dread the early morning, the full day of work; I actually quite looked forward to it. It’s gone from that; to feeling sick about going on. On a day to day basis fighting to get up and resist the temptation to throw up thinking about setting off. Sitting at my desk and watching the clock, counting down the hours until I can leave again. It’s not nice, at all. I probably would have quit by now if I didn’t need the money.

My tooth ordeal didn’t help and although technically I’m well I still feel drained from it. I didn’t really rest up during, and haven’t rested up after so my body’s still screaming at me for that.

RIP Simba x.x.x

Then the rabbit died on Saturday. It was a blow. Taking her to the vet because she was being a bit lethargic. I thought she had a cold or something. At worst an infection. Instead the vet tells me she has a 10% of survival from treatment. So the horrible decision came to ‘ease her suffering early’ as the vet put it. There are few things in this life worse than the experience of signing a piece of paper saying you give consent for something to be killed. Something you love. That’s not something I ever want to have to do again.

I’m trying to fight feeling sad, I’m trying not to let it get to me. But the fact of it is; it IS getting to me. I don’t feel like myself lately. I don’t feel human lately. It doesn’t make sense to be so tired yet unable to sleep. To feel like bursting into tears 90% of the time. I hate saying that, I hate how it sounds, that really isn't the person I am. 

The biggest thing bringing me down is something I don't even want to go into on here. But, with everything thing else going on it's totally overwhelmed me. I've never felt more insecure. But saying that I do have support. It's making me really see who my friends are; and they've very much keeping me afloat; and Jake of course. I feel so bad on him acting the way it has been; I'm not fun to be around at the moment. 

I said in an earlier blog I don't believe in karma, and I don't. I'm not saying I'm a perfect person, I have fucked up many times, but I know I'm a good person. I don't 'deserve' everything going on. I'm just hoping there's a valid cause; maybe the intention is to push me away - to leave the job, or even Liverpool for some higher purpose? Whatever it is, I'm hoping it will make itself known, sooner rather than later. I want to get my life back on track, and be better company for the people in it.  

I’ve never been particularly lucky. Well, in one sense. I have a roof over my head, dinner on my table, nice clothes, a mobile phone, computers. I have lovely friends and a lovely boyfriend and a family who support me. So yes, in that sense I am lucky. I’m on however about statistically. If there’s potential for something bad happening, it will happen to me.

The perfect example of this is my recent dental experience; as you may have been reading I’ve had several root canals on my tooth which has had various root complications. Then last weekend I found myself in agony. Worse than any pain I’d experienced in my life; worse than broken ribs, broken neck. I was throwing up from it. I checked myself in hoping at this point they would just rip the tooth out, I didn’t care anymore I wanted it gone. Then they told me I had blood poisoning. The tooth had got so badly infected it had contaminated my blood stream..... something that occurs in 1% of cases of root canal. 1%. And it happens to me.

It’s not the first time in my life this has happened. In fact there’s a long list of illnesses that have occurred as a result of an ‘unlikely side-effect’. I can’t get jabs because I’m that one in ten thousand who gets the symptoms of the illness. My TB tester had me bed-ridden for two weeks. I don’t go out in thunder storms because I will be the person who gets struck by lightning. I’m a walking statistic.

It’s not helping my mood of late. Other stuff is contributing, work is the same, and though I still can’t get into what’s going on online for professional reasons, a lot of friends now know what’s happening and so know it’s not getting any better. The icing on the cake is someone I thought I was close to, someone I would have gone so far to say was one of my best friends, who I was always there for has demonstrated in reality our relationship was quiet one-sided. When I needed them they were not there for me. That’s been a massive blow and something I’m still upset over.

I realise this blog just sounds like me having a massive whiny moan, and yeah I guess part of is. Sorry if you we’re looking for something intellectual or thought provoking. There’s some positive stuff going on in life too, don’t get me wrong. We’ve been house hunting, to buy. That’s super exciting. Slightly nerve-wracking. Between buying a house, reinsuring my car and all the road-tax, petrol extras I’m expecting to be financially raped sideways. It’s making me super cautious about spending money, I haven’t bought a dress in a few months and I seriously resisted some new shoes in town yesterday. I guess the whole blood poisoning thing is saving me a lot of money on alcohol too so that’s good. Always a silver lining.

It’s overwhelming but I guess in one way it’s the benefit of having something like Facebook. You can see what people you went to school with are doing, seeing them get married, having babies, and it makes it all seem a little less scary..... a little. It's exciting too, I'm just going to try and focus on that.

I’m sitting in tonight when I should be out catching up with friends because I had another root canal session today. This is the third session and by the end of it, face fat and swollen, jaw aching; I’m wishing I’d opted for extraction at the start of the treatment. One swift tug and I wouldn’t be going through all this pain. I have another to go still and part of me is wondering, what did I do to deserve this?

Saying that, I don’t believe in karma. The reason being that the people who tend to believe in karma are good people who bad things have happened to and they hold out for something good. They hold out for watching the arseholes who have fucked them over to get hit by a bus.  If karma really existed then bad things wouldn’t happen to good people in the first place; and not all bad people get their comeuppance.

I’m not saying I don’t believe life has a plan – I do think everything happens for a reason I just don’t think it’s based on a good/bad divide.

Life has been a bit rough lately. Not really life, just work; but given the percentage of my life taken up by it, I guess it feels like it’s impacting on everything. I won’t go into it in depth for several reason, professionalism being one; but in short, its down to a situation where a bad person is fucking over nice people and getting away it.

‘Nice’. We went out for drinks a few weeks ago and a friend (well more Jake’s friend but I do consider him highly) told me he didn’t really know me too well, except that I was super nice. It's not how I'd define myself, butI guess as things go I am nice. I try to be helpful, I go the extra mile for people if they need it. I’m not big on confrontation and the only time I really fight and get aggressive about things is if I’m defending someone. The only problem with being ‘nice’ is a lot of people tend to take advantage. They get under the impression you’re a doormat if you’re nice.  A lot of the people actually reading this now are probably said people (a remarkable thing about this blog is people don’t realise the owner gets to see whose reading, and often the results surprise me. If you’ve tried to cut me out your life, then why are you still keeping up with mine?) But back to the point; being nice is good except when people take advantage. Like in work.

So I wanted to recreate myself in that respect. I’m not going to suddenly turn into an arsehole, but I don’t want people to think they can take advantage either. But you can’t just change your personality and expect people to work it out. You can’t just boost your confidence and expect them to notice. A new look however. I puzzled at what I could do. In terms of hair colour – I’ve already been virtually every colour under the sun. None of these looks really scream confidence – maybe bright colours but then I had to consider work. Fuschia pink or electric blue doesn’t really say ‘HR Officer’. I contemplated several tattoos, a big pin-up girl was the main idea. But then again I had to consider work – in modelling unless I went down the route of Alt-Girls that would hinder me.  Dress sense was an option but to be honest, I’m rather fond of my current wardrobe. Then I started looking at haircuts. When you’re a hair model – you don’t really have a say in what the hairdresser does. They need a look for their books, and they give you that look and you don’t have a say.

I gave Hooka hair creative control. They had a style consultant and a colour consultant, so I knew they’d provide a look that would match my shape/skin tone. Watching them chop locks of my hair off I was wincing; but there was no going back. And I’m not a shallow person, looks aren’t everything. But it’s true when you look good on the outside, you feel good on the inside. A new look can give you confidence and power; and I’m hoping that’s what it’s done for me.

Colours next month and the proper shoot photos, watch this space :)