Ok so more of an update on life!

First things first, I have a new job working at Boots. This is so refreshing because for once its actually steady paid work thats not in care so I don't come home physically and mentally exhausted. I also get immense discount so for once can actually afford to buy expensive makeup and beauty products. Always good!

Job-wise I also applied for the role of Miss Merseyside. In all honesty I'm not that confident. Modelling I prefer to do stationary behind a camera, catwalks are a recipe for disaster with someone like me, and I'm not into paeganty stuff at all really. But, prize money is £3000 and at this point I'm perfectly willing to stroll down a catwalk for that sort of money.

Other modelling has been going pretty good, had an amazing shoot in the flat for "Easter" in the new calendar. Really happy with how the pictures turned out for this one.

In terms of Jake things are going well for him too. He's had a few gigs that have really gone down amazingly well, we spend the rest of the evening with people coming up to him offering congratulations and telling them just how much they enjoyed it. I've sort of become the unofficial promoter for Plan 9 - my  reading week has been spent dedicated to making them a myspace, a twitter, all sorts of banners and posters. Mostly I've enjoyed doing it as well and we've had a lot of interest, I really hope things kick off properly for them.

Up from when I was young kid to, well, not that long ago to be honest, I used to let everything bother me. I liked to be liked, I didn’t like it when people said horrible or bad things about me. Not that anyone really does, but if people said stuff, it would really get to me and I’d obsess over it.


Recently however I’ve changed, I’m not sure if I just grew up ... became a realist... or maybe just got tired of trying to please everyone. Maybe it’s a bit of all three.

I know by no means I’m not perfect. What I do know is that I’m a good person. I might not get thing right all the time but I still try my best to do things with good intentions. I might not be good looking but I have the love of an amazing guy so I don’t care how I look. As long as I’m beautiful to him. I might be “too skinny” but I eat well and quite frankly there’s nothing I can do about my weight. It’s becoming clearer to me the people who try and make me feel bad are not good people. In fact there horrible people who must feel so insecure about their own perfections they have to highlight other peoples to make themselves feel better. They have to try and cause trouble just to get kicks. There the people not worth knowing, and the people I shouldn’t waste any time or effort over.

One thing I can pride myself in however, is loyalty. I will always stand up, protect, and care for the people who are important to me. Perhaps that what it was that made me realise, I don’t care anymore what gets said or done to me, but about the people I love. As long as their safe, as long as I can protect them, then I’m happy.

And to be honest with you, I am happy. Life’s by no means perfect, I don’t have much money, I’m still clueless about what I want to do with my life in the future, and people do say shit about me. But then saying that; I also have an amazing boyfriend, and a select few friends who I really can trust to be there for me. I have a good routine in life. I’m fairly intelligent with quite a bit of potential for the future. I have my family, my health, things to look forward to.

And on that note, an early night is in order. I’ll write again soon about things actually going on in my life, it’s been a busy few weeks with new jobs, nights out and lots to write about :)

Alice came to a fork in the road. "Which road do I take?" she asked.



"Where do you want to go?" responded the Cheshire cat.


"I don't know," Alice answered.


"Then," said the cat, "it doesn't matter."



This could not be truer of my life right now. It’s about the time I need to start making decisions about my future; there’s several paths in front of me. I just don’t know which one I want to take.

The majority of the options are career based. Mostly; I’m unsure of my Masters, do I stay at JMU and continue on as I am. Do I move to Roehampton College for it? But then, aside from worrying about money with that aspect I also have to worry about not being in Liverpool anymore. It would mean leaving the one constant that’s been there throughout my while university life.

Then there’s the option of joining the NHS, having them fund my Masters while I work for them. It’s probably the most sensible option but there’s 350 people to every place they offer. So I can’t rely on that definitely happening.

I think one of the biggest things is; I’m frustrated with being a student. I feel so much time is wasted when I could be out; earning money or you know, getting on with life. I want more from life, I want a house with a garden. I want my car back. I feel like as a person I’ve grown up; and I need the lifestyle that goes with it. Course, all these things cost money as well and if I’m paying out £3000 a year just to be taught 8 hours a week then I can’t save up for a house and a car and a real future.

But then, Jake doesn’t know what he’s doing next year. He’s said there’s a chance he might leave. In which case I can’t really work on building a real future because he kind of is my future. How do you build something without the main component?

I just wish there was an easier way to make this decision, a lottery win might do it. That way I could afford to build a future and keep studying. But being reasonable I think 90% of the population spend their life waiting to win the lottery so things can happen for them. If you really want something you have to work hard for it. That’s what I’m going to have to do, I just don’t know where to work at.