Firstly - I'd like to wish a very happy Christmas to all my readers, I hope it was a good 'un. So 2012 is drawing to a close and normally at this point my blog is a little annual summary of what I've done with my year - the major milestones as it were. But then I figure - chances are if you're reading my blog - then you already know me; and if you already know me, then you already know what's been going on.

So instead, I'm going to talk about what I've learned this year. School, college, university - they teach you; language, maths, general knowledge. You graduated and you go on to use those skills for a career. But the university of life - you never graduate. You're constantly learning, developing.

1. "I'm going to make sure 2013 will be the best year of my life." 

The amount of times I've heard this is unreal. I try and think about it - and I can't really pinpoint the best year of my life. Every year of my life has been full of ups, and downs; and I think that's the same for everyone. We all have those days; can't find the keys, the car won't start, the bus is late, you spill coffee on yourself, your computer crashes and you loose you work - those truly horrible days. Everyone gets them. Similarly we get those horrible months, you maybe loose your job? Following that money is tight and then it affects everything else, you can't afford bills, rent. You start to stress and get sick. Maybe loose your home. It happens to the best of us. But then you also get days were; you catch every green light on the way to work, you get a compliment, you find a tenner on the street; and months where everything just goes right. But it never lasts the full twelve. Even what I'd consider the best years of my life have been plagued with illness, misfortune, even death.

My 2012 has been full of these ups and downs. I moved into a lovely new home in January - up. I got made redundant - down. I found a new job right away - up. I got diagnosed with an unfortunate and complicated illness - down. Went on holiday with friends - up. - and so on. It's literally been a zigzag of a year. Looking back, all my years have been - and it's kind of important to remember that.

So my first lesson for 2013 would be; don't let it swallow you when the bad things do happen. The worse the down times are, the more you'll appreciate the 'ups'.

2. We're all doing a Harvey Dent. 

People fascinate me, they always have done. It's why I took Psychology as a degree. We're such a complex species. How many of us say what we're really thinking? How many of us laugh at a joke we don't find funny? When you see an old school friend in the middle of the supermarket, and they say "How's things?" - don't we all say, "Yeah things are good." or "Not bad thanks."  How many of us say; "Actually, I'm really struggling right now, I'm really unhappy."

But than the problem is - the people who are brutally honest become dick heads. No one wants to really hear the truth, and when they do they get angry. But contrary to that, everyone hates liars. You can't really win with people. As a consequence we do become two-faced as a species. No I'm not trying to offend anyone here, or insult you; because it's actually an unfortunate consequence or being polite, of trying to conform.
Like being called a liar; being called two-faced is very negative; but it's - not malicious two-facery. It's just a social norm. Sometimes you have to do it to prevent people getting upset. Tolerance over aggression.

So my lesson from this is; you can't get upset about it. In life your friends will always be friends with someone you don't like. In an ideal world everyone would get on, all your friends would like and dislike the same people. But the world is far from ideal. You can't ask people to choose; especially because chances are, you also like someone they don't. So just get on with it. Be a bigger person and just appreciate your friends for who they are, not who the associate with.

3. A lot of people have got masks on. 

I'm an emotional person who very much wears their heart on their sleeve. Of course I will always try and hold back if I don't want to show my emotion, but more often than not my watering eyes and quivering lip will betray me, or even the curve of my lips into a smirk as I fight back a laugh.

But not everyone is like this. Some people have mastered wearing an expressionless mask; or even, a mask with a false expression. Some people are capable of faking emotions; like happiness, even love. It makes me sad to think it's possible for someone to forge love; but I've seen it's possible. It terrifies me. As for happiness? Some of my friends who seem the happiest on the outside have the heaviest hearts. It's clear to see from my work that a lot of the people who come in; just to sit, have a cry, have a vent - are people who spend their social lives being the joker. Running around trying to make everyone else happy, and neglecting their own needs.

So lesson #3 - sometimes, it's okay to be selfish. You need to find a good balance, but you need to look after number 1. You can't please everyone, it's impossible. But if you make yourself happy, the people who really matter will be happy for you. It's also important to remember, you probably have no idea what someone is going through. So never take things out on someone else, we all have our own closet skeletons.


So my annual summary:
I have learnt a lot in 2012; of people, of life. Even though some of it has been difficult I can move forward to 2013 with a better head. I don't think I can change completely as a person, and I'm not sure I'd want to. I have traits I'm proud of'; traits that help me do my job. Empathy, compassion. But at the same time I need a stronger sense of myself and people.

Here's to 2013, I hope their are more ups than downs. If there are downs, I hope you have the support of friends and loved ones around you - nothing can carry you through like a hug, a reassuring squeeze on the shoulder

All the best guys.

I’ve been counselling now for 4 weeks. This is the reason I do it. (No, not the wine; the message in the card) 

From the age of about 3, everyone wants to be a superhero. Running around the house with a cape you made from your pillowcase.  ‘Save the world’ – that’s what it’s all about. But is it? Superheroes don’t save the world. They save; Gotham, Metropolis... New York. Okay you can argue if the villain destroys one city what’s to stop him going after the rest of it but not my point.

It’s too difficult to save a whole world; superhero or not. You have to be realistic about your limits. But there’s that quote that goes around; it’s usually plastered over some bullshit picture of people holding hands on a beach at sunset or something equally unimpressive but:

"To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world."

If you can make a difference to one person’s life, then that’s enough – because you might not have saved ‘the world’ .. but you’ve saved someone’s world. That’s the idea I’m going for? 

Maybe – cheesiness aside – I am genuinely enjoying the job. It’s not always straightforward – too many people have the wrong idea of what I’m actually meant to do. They come seeking advice. I’m not an advisor.

Too many people just have a totally wrong schema of life; which is the pinpoint of their problems. I’ve signed a million NDAs so I can’t talk in depth, but a couple came to me and one of them asked; “What do you tell other couples in this situation, what do they do?”

No two people get the same answer, because no two people are the same. Some couples live joined at the hip, others live practically separate lives; but if it works for them, it works for them.  There is no black and white when it comes to people. There aren’t set any answers. One person’s happiness is another person’s sorrow. In difficult situations you can only put forward how you would react to it; but that might not work for someone else; and unless you have actually been through the situation yourself, it’s meaningless anyway because you might think you will react a certain way but when it comes to it we are all slaves to emotion; we have no power over the way we feel about anything. 

Anyway, - on a life note. Healthwise I'm doing better (I had a little heart trouble [again]) but aside from being very tired very easily I'm doing okay. I just need to start paying attention to medical professionals. I don't really like being told to slow down or take it easy ... but, I suppose sometimes you have to.  

Christmas is looming and I feel the least prepared I have in my life, ever. Working two jobs; one of which is working me to the bone - is taking its toll. By the time I get home I just want to sleep. I have no energy for shopping; getting organised. 

That being said Christmas is coming early this year and I am hosting a traditional Christmas dinner in mine this Saturday. I'm cooking a traditional roast dinner for eight people - complete with crackers, paper hats, Christmas jumpers and a mismatch of dining chairs. I'm a little nervous - more so the feeling of being completely unprepared, I have a lot to get ready in time for it - but I'm also really looking forward to it. 

I will update this again sooner I promise: probably once I get Saturday out the way, I will let you all know how it goes. 

This is my 100th post :) Honestly, I thought it would be than that the amount of time I seem to be pouring down the random thoughts that cross my mind. I've spent some time reading over my past blogs, there's a few fond memories, but a lot of them are just an awful lot of lady part waffle. So - thank you if you still are actually reading!

There’s an Example song at the moment; I only know it because it seems to be on the radio every time I climb in the car. Like many of his songs it’s incredible repetitive lyrics, which means the following has been drilled into me;

“You should keep your best friends close by, but keep your enemies closer.”

Now I have always thought this was bullshit, and honestly, I thought everyone thought it was bullshit. But lately I've realised watching people the amount of people who live by this rule. I don’t mean when you’re friends with someone to be courteous; often the case when your friend has a boyfriend/girlfriend you don’t like but you make the effort for their benefit (yes you all know you do it, I bet most of you have a person in mind!) But anyway, I mean full on, hating the person they spend every weekend going out with. I actually don’t know how it’s even do-able. I very much adopt a ‘if I don’t like them, I’ll do what I can to avoid them.’ approach.  Honestly, for the most part it work!

Anyway, a little life update.

Firstly and most importantly – I have secured a new placement. Not just any job, pretty much my dream job. From 5^th November I will be a Health and Wellbeing Psychological Practitioner – or basically, a counsellor. It’s private practice so I won’t necessarily be using the NHS client centred approach but incorporating a range of approaches which I prefer. A wider berth and less subjective. I’m just looking forward to it so much though – my office is a lovely cosy room; cliché couch and arm chair with dream catchers on the wall and a kettle in the corner. I can see myself being happy there; and most importantly, I’ll be doing something I’m passionate about. Due to lack of experience I'll be focussing on low secure clients; so things like relationship problems, general low mood; but still, I can't wait. 

Last week was a busy week; spent catching up with friends – old and new. Monday I went around to Liz’s new flat; I can’t help but feel excited for them because I remember my own excitement when I first moved out. It's such a major landmark in your life. Tuesday I headed out for Mexican with Jake and a few of his friends; getting to know new people is always nice; as are fajitas. Wednesday night was Wetherspoons and Stamps with a few lovely people – then Thursday I had a night off; place to myself, bubble bath and pampering; ready for the weekend.

 Friday was a brilliant night. A while ago Jennie suggested going to a comedy night from Groupon. It was £12 for a meal, wine and the comedy show – and honestly while I thought it would be a nice evening with friends doing something a bit different, I wasn’t expecting it to be great for so cheap. But it was fantastic. A slightly rocky start with a young boy who bless him was so nervous no one had the heart to heckle him. But after that it only got better and the final act, Jollyboat, left me in tears of laughter. After that we went on a bit of a bar crawl, and bar one horrible bint in Aloha (I won't get into it but she very narrowly avoid getting a slap!); I had a really brilliant night. I love trying new places, tried and tested is a safe option yes but after a while it does get boring; and I discovered Salt Dog Slims where they do chilli dogs and drinks made of popcorn! You can't go wrong there!

Then Saturday night was ‘unofficial’ Halloween and I threw a party in ours. I invited a lot of people, and for various reasons ranging from illness to working not many could make it. I was understanding of course, these things couldn't be helped but at first I was a bit disappointed. But the night proved that quantity is not everything, I had a fantastic night, good old fashioned drinking games and banter with a few wonderful people. 

I spent Sunday feeling very grateful for some of the people I have the pleasure of having in my life right now. 

That is all for now. One thing last week did manage to do it completely exhaust me; and possibly KO my kidneys – so for now I am off to bed!

Someone gave me advice lately ...  ‘Don’t ever let anyone see your weak side, walk with your head held high, and stop caring.’

Now I appreciate what they were trying to say. But I had something of an epiphany walking down to Wetherspoons the other night. I was walking with my head up, high. Trying to wear a mask that I am strong, confident and happy right now.  Then, a single, well timed glance down at the pavement ... and I narrowly avoided stepping in dog shit. Had I kept walking with my head high, I would have gone right in it.

Now maybe I’m just being a vagina but I felt this had a certain amount of poetry to it. If you’re always wearing a mask, always hiding, never facing up to anything; you’re going to eventually land up in shit. You can’t run away from something that’s inside you.

I’m not saying you SHOULD sit there weeping or kicking off or giving into your emotions completely. I cover that in my last blog. But – you should acknowledge them; because as simple as it sounds, you feel things for a reason; and if you’re feeling angry, or sad, or hurt... then you’re feeling that way for a reason.  Look at it, address it. Try and make it better.

Right enough waffle I’m going to actually update you on life goings on for once. I will try and refrain from mentioning the bad and focus only on the good.

I haven't done any photoshoots in a while - partially because of illness, partially because of poor weather ruining location shots. But this weekend I have two, very different but equally exciting shoots to look forward to (watch this space), and then on Tuesday I will be in Liverpool for the Britain and Ireland's Next Top Model auditions. Now; I have no aspirations to be BINTM - sure the swanky pads and the money and the lifestyle would be lovely; but it also has a very short lifespan. Coupled with bitchy girls and getting so much negative feedback you'd end up with a complex - it just wouldn't be for me. So why am I bothering to even go down? You get a goody bag of free make up for one; and, I guess, curiosity. 

Due to an expensive month (I won't go in to it) I'm a little skint - but I am still just as much passionate about new clothes and tire easily of my wardrobe. So I decided to dig some old clothes out and make them into something new. I have tonnes of old corsets, basques, that are gorgeous but on there on are a bit blah. So I'm trying my hand at textiles and dress making. I'm no Sophia Tolli but my first dress is actually coming along kind of nicely. I'm having a bit of an issue with some of the stitching looking a bit scruffy but hopefully fixing that tonight - again, watch this space. 

Aside from maybe being a writer; most of you will know my passion for work lies in counselling. I like listening to people, being able to help. I seem to be good at it. A favourite past time has become offering advice to people on reddit and other forums and it's always nice when you get a private message expressing gratitude saying I really helped them. I guess I'm more motivated then ever to be a counsellor and so have taken up a course/placement with CAMHS (Child and Adolescent Mental Health Service). 

Not much else going on really. I have booked a few nights in Dublin to escape for a bit. There's this place; I used to go a lot when I was a kid. A waterfall in the middle of the country side, beautiful scenery, ... and at the top of the waterfall, is a rock, shaped like a bench. It's a good place to go and sit and think. 

And that is that. I shall try and update again with [hopefully] good news; and pictures of recent ventures. 

I could start this blog talking about how shit everything feels at the moment and continue on the downward spiral driving you all away 'cus no one wants to be friends with that constantly miserable person who is always harping on about how the world is out to get them. Or karma. Or God. Whoever you feel the need to praise when it goes right but curse when it all goes to shit.

My last two blogs whined about how things aren't good for me right now; and while nothings really changed and things are very much shit - I am finally coming round to the following realizations:

• While a good cry sometimes make you feel better and gets it out your system; sitting sobbing for a week straight just leaves you dehydrated with a mess for a face. 

• Friends; good friends, will be around when you need them. But if you don't say thank you and instead keep up with the 'woe is me' attitude, they'll get urked. They'll probably still stick by you, but they'll also probably want to smush your already messed up face. 

• Constantly over thinking and over analysing everything you could have done differently to stop things going wrong only means you end up not sleeping; which means again, your face is a mess, and your also more emotionally vulnerable...  vicious cycle. It's also near fucking impossible to find an affordable concealer for the problem so basically resign yourself to the fact your going to spend the rest of your days as a panda. 

• Loosing your appetite just means you drop weight ridiculously quick - which okay a lot of people out there probably are wanting to do but it's not healthy and just don't do it, it really has no beneficial outcome and you end up fainting all over the place and having to purchase belts to hold your pants up. And I fucking hate belts. I'm also not overly fond of fainting. 

• The appetite thing also means that when you turn to alcohol; which in your state of misery is frequent and often - you get absolutely sloshed drinking very little. Money saver, yes. But dignity saver, no no. And cause of the whole emotional thing you'll probably cry easier and be 'that girl on the stairs' at every party. 

• You loose all drive to do anything. Which means you end up eventually not looking after yourself. Which leads to illness. And living in a pit. And looking a mess. Then your depressed about all these things.

• Expecting other people to handle a situation the way you would is only going to lead to disappointment. . Waiting around for the expected outcome is a waste of time and the longer you wait the more disappointed you'll get. Loose respect for them by all means, but do it quickly, and then move on. Waiting for your closure will have the opposite effect of giving you closure. 

• To summarize; wallowing is just one vicious cycle of being a skatty, skinny, drunk, and disappointed-   sad panda. 

Yes there's worse things in life I suppose; but there is also infinitely better things. So from now on I'm making a more conscious effort to appreciate when things do go right, to appreciate the people around me who are there; through the good times and especially the bad ones, and to man the fuck up, grow a pair and get on with my life. If I start whinging again then you all have permission to knee me in the bollocks I just grew.

I never met my grandfather on my dad’s side. He died when my dad was two years old. He was a sailor, his boat sank. I remember once my dad showing me a scrapbook with a newspaper article; something written by one of the survivors about how they had heard him screaming, he’d been crushed by a bunk bed, they couldn’t get him out so they ran from the sinking ship... and he drowned.

It’s a horrible way to go. But – other than that thought; I never really dwelled on it. He was a stranger; he died a tragic death, but he was a stranger to me. Even to my dad really.

It’s only recently I thought about my nan.  She was 23; nearly the age I am now.  I guess those days it was how it was done, marry young. She was twenty three years old; left with a dead husband and a two year old son to raise on her own. She never took her wedding ring off.... never moved on, found someone else.  It’s been over 60 years.

I always sort of never really clicked with her; because she was so miserable all the time. She hated the world and everything in it. When I was a kid I couldn’t understand, and even when I grew up a I didn’t really give it much thought. But now; I get it. Why shouldn’t she – she went through hell; and it consumed her.

Our lives and the events within them shape the people we become. We grow older, wiser, learn from mistakes and get to know what makes us happy. The important lesson is; don’t let it mould you completely.... you still have that control to choose the person you are.

I’m going through my own personal hell at the moment. Perhaps not on the same grand scale as my nan faced – but everyone’s troubles, regardless of how big or small, are still troubles. I know I briefly discussed it in my last blog and honestly; things have only got worse since then. I’m not going to lie I’ve been struggling to cope. I’m not in denial about the whole wearing my heart of my sleeve thing, and while generally speaking I can usually keep myself relatively composed if the time and place isn’t right; I haven’t been.

People keep acknowledging me and how shitty I look.  As soon as they say the words – “You look awful. Are you okay?” I can’t help but feel my eyes water and that traitorous bottom lip starting to quiver. If I try and mutter any semblance of words in reply it comes out in a high pitched noise so I’m just standing there, tears down my cheeks squealing at them. It’s not a good look.

The problem with emotional sickness like depression is in many ways it’s worse than the physical. You literally shut down. For a girl who normally orders a double burger with extra bacon, extra cheese and has a Mary Poppins bag of chocolate for snacking on at all times.... I’ve had no appetite whatsoever. The amount of food I’ve eaten in two weeks is probably equivalent to the amount I’d normally eat in two days. I don’t sleep at night anymore. Those rare bouts I do manage I wake in a cold sweat after a nightmare. I’m run down and then you feel worse because everyone’s going round telling you how crap you look. Which makes you feel more sad. It’s a vicious cycle.

I’m faced with several options. I could continue to wallow and hope that in the eventual future it will get better, it will improve on its own. I could give up completely. Or I could start taking control of my life and not let it mould me into someone I really don’t want to be moulded into. I don’t want to be the little old lady hating the world cus the world hates me. I want to smile. I want to eat and sleep and go dancing, laugh. That’s the option I want to choose.

One thing I have to say is when you are going through hell there is nothing more uplifting than other people. I can’t name you but I’m hoping you know who you are; you people out there – whether a grand gesture, or just a hug, an arm round my shoulder...  a text, a message. It’s helping so much. It might not seem like much to you but to me; it’s everything. Unfortunately it comes with a negative, when those that are there for you step forward, it makes it easy to see who didn’t. Which sucks; it’s never nice thinking someone cares about you only to learn they don’t. But I won’t dwell on that because I can honestly say it’s been a minority. So thank you to the good ones. The good people. I hope I never loose you. 

I don't really know what else to say. I don't want to harp on about my misery, I'm going to try and keep positive again from now on. It's going to be one step at a time and there's a big chance it will involve a massive change for me. I'm not a big fan of change; sure I like to mess with my hair style, try a new look. But, I like familiarity. I guess that's one of the things I'm struggling with at the moment, that something so familiar changed so suddenly, it was a shock. I physically suffered shock, then grief. Denial. Anger. Sorrow. ... I'm still working on the acceptance stage. 

But, time will tell I guess. Keep watching this space. 

Excuse my French; but things are proper shit right now. It always seems to be that when one thing goes wrong so does everything else – it all piles on you at once and you find yourself completely overwhelmed.  You don’t even know where to start to make things better.

It’s like that now. I was really excited about starting my new job – working so close to home – the shortest commute I’ve ever had. It didn’t seem too bad in the start either, a little isolated; and I was always busy. But busy isn’t necessarily bad. It was busy but able to cope – I was getting my work done but at the same time it filled my day.  Suddenly it’s changed. I’ve been landed looking after 6 new trusts – all of them different processes, all of them in tatters. I’ve never felt so completely clueless in a job before. But because you’re so isolated there’s no one around to even ask. Then the calls start coming; managers kicking off about various work. It’s not a particularly easy job to calm and angry manager when you know exactly what you’re telling them, you know the problem and you can explain it to them. Which makes it near impossible to diffuse them when you don’t know what’s happening. You feel like an idiot. They let you know they think that of you.

You should be able to pack up work and leave it; 9-5. It shouldn’t seep into your life outside. But it does. I’ve come home nearly every night this week and ended up a sobbing mess on Jake’s lap. I haven’t slept – because I’m worrying about what the next day will bring. Lack of sleep means you’re even more emotionally compromised. It’s just never ending. I’m so run down at the moment, feel ill. It’s just a mess. A job shouldn’t do that too you. I’m desperately looking for something else now.

There’s everything else too. My nan’s unwell; and I don’t know, she’s 87 so I suppose she’s had a good full life but – death is always horrible. There’s other little things too I’d probably rather not discuss so openly; but again the closest to me will know what's really bothering me right now on top of everything else. 

I guess it’s the only positive of going through hell. When you’re falling to pieces; you spot the ones who are there, gathering the pieces up ready to fit them back together. I’m truly humbled by some of the people I have the pleasure to know. I want to apologise to them; because I know being miserable all the time is annoying. It’s not me. I’ve been putting all my efforts this year into – seeing the positive side, living life to the full. Not letting stuff get me down.  I was doing pretty well too until all this (I think). I want that back.

I’ve been signed off today. Doctors ordered are lots of rest and nothing stressful. So I’m here – pyjamas on. Massive mug of hot chocolate. Writing. Writing always calms me down. Which reminds me; I’m writing for cracked now and I’m freaking out cus they gave me two weeks to do my first official article. Innovation is lacking. Or it’s not; but I’m bringing personal stuff too much into my writing so it’s about shitty jobs or people being let downs. Hopefully this weekend, something will come to me.

But yeah – back to me getting on track. After writing this I’ll probably go make myself some eggs. Then job hunt like a bitch this afternoon. Phone up every contact I have and find ... something. Anything. Once thats sorted – I can work on getting the rest of me back together.

To everyone hanging on to the pieces for me – thank you again. You best believe you’re getting epic hugs, cheesecake ... and my undying appreciation that I have you in my life.