I know I've already posted a blog today but I'm having a greedy day. I've not long got out the shower after spending yet another house-bound, blood poisoned day sitting on the internet. Much of the day was spent looking at other peoples lives on facebook and finding myself thinking, I'd love to do that.

Then I went for my shower. I don't why it took me until I was in the shower but it did. I was sitting there thinking about all those things other people we're doing that I thought I'd love to do, when it hit me. Why aren't I doing it? There really isn't anything stopping me at all. All any of them require is a mild bit of effort on my part to organise them. Motivation I guess is the key. Admitedly I'm not the most motivated person in the world when it comes to most things but at the end of the day life is for living, not watching other people live.

Tommorow is going to be a new day for a new me, a new attitude. I might even see if I can get my hair done so there's a new me on the outside too, though we shall see.

I've been ill lately. It started with a few swollen fingers and a three blood tests later we found out it was blood poisoning. Cause unknown. As a result however I've been staying in pretty much constantly. The drugs I'm taking for it are giving me wild dreams that often mean I can't sleep. Though sometimes the dreams are very real, so much so I have a hard time distinguishing between them and reality. Those types are the worst. The days are already beginning to blend into one without the added disorientation of not knowing whats real and what isn't.

The illness has brought one positive however. There's an expression "You don't know what you had til you've lost it." This I don't actually believe because it implies you never know love until love has left. however there's a certain logic to it. I'm finding more and more the less I see of some people, the more I miss them, really truly miss them and just want to see them again so much. And the less I see of some others, without sounding too harsh, it doesn't impact on me at all. I could probably go the rest of my life without seeing them and it wouldn't really merit more than maybe a little nostalgia over good times in the past. I guess if anything its taught me how much I really need to value the ones I'm missing.

Despite everything I am happy. You can look at photos and see a physical change, but you can't always feel mentally you've grown up. But I kind of am at the moment. I'm not letting the little things get to me and I'm certainely alot better at moving on. I'm trying to take everything less seriously too. That's not to say I'm not serious about my work and stuff but I just mean, worry less.

And as ever I grow greater and greater appreciation for Jake's role in my life. He's been the one constant. I hope he always will be that constant.

Ok so more of an update on life!

First things first, I have a new job working at Boots. This is so refreshing because for once its actually steady paid work thats not in care so I don't come home physically and mentally exhausted. I also get immense discount so for once can actually afford to buy expensive makeup and beauty products. Always good!

Job-wise I also applied for the role of Miss Merseyside. In all honesty I'm not that confident. Modelling I prefer to do stationary behind a camera, catwalks are a recipe for disaster with someone like me, and I'm not into paeganty stuff at all really. But, prize money is £3000 and at this point I'm perfectly willing to stroll down a catwalk for that sort of money.

Other modelling has been going pretty good, had an amazing shoot in the flat for "Easter" in the new calendar. Really happy with how the pictures turned out for this one.

In terms of Jake things are going well for him too. He's had a few gigs that have really gone down amazingly well, we spend the rest of the evening with people coming up to him offering congratulations and telling them just how much they enjoyed it. I've sort of become the unofficial promoter for Plan 9 - my  reading week has been spent dedicated to making them a myspace, a twitter, all sorts of banners and posters. Mostly I've enjoyed doing it as well and we've had a lot of interest, I really hope things kick off properly for them.

Up from when I was young kid to, well, not that long ago to be honest, I used to let everything bother me. I liked to be liked, I didn’t like it when people said horrible or bad things about me. Not that anyone really does, but if people said stuff, it would really get to me and I’d obsess over it.


Recently however I’ve changed, I’m not sure if I just grew up ... became a realist... or maybe just got tired of trying to please everyone. Maybe it’s a bit of all three.

I know by no means I’m not perfect. What I do know is that I’m a good person. I might not get thing right all the time but I still try my best to do things with good intentions. I might not be good looking but I have the love of an amazing guy so I don’t care how I look. As long as I’m beautiful to him. I might be “too skinny” but I eat well and quite frankly there’s nothing I can do about my weight. It’s becoming clearer to me the people who try and make me feel bad are not good people. In fact there horrible people who must feel so insecure about their own perfections they have to highlight other peoples to make themselves feel better. They have to try and cause trouble just to get kicks. There the people not worth knowing, and the people I shouldn’t waste any time or effort over.

One thing I can pride myself in however, is loyalty. I will always stand up, protect, and care for the people who are important to me. Perhaps that what it was that made me realise, I don’t care anymore what gets said or done to me, but about the people I love. As long as their safe, as long as I can protect them, then I’m happy.

And to be honest with you, I am happy. Life’s by no means perfect, I don’t have much money, I’m still clueless about what I want to do with my life in the future, and people do say shit about me. But then saying that; I also have an amazing boyfriend, and a select few friends who I really can trust to be there for me. I have a good routine in life. I’m fairly intelligent with quite a bit of potential for the future. I have my family, my health, things to look forward to.

And on that note, an early night is in order. I’ll write again soon about things actually going on in my life, it’s been a busy few weeks with new jobs, nights out and lots to write about :)

Alice came to a fork in the road. "Which road do I take?" she asked.



"Where do you want to go?" responded the Cheshire cat.


"I don't know," Alice answered.


"Then," said the cat, "it doesn't matter."



This could not be truer of my life right now. It’s about the time I need to start making decisions about my future; there’s several paths in front of me. I just don’t know which one I want to take.

The majority of the options are career based. Mostly; I’m unsure of my Masters, do I stay at JMU and continue on as I am. Do I move to Roehampton College for it? But then, aside from worrying about money with that aspect I also have to worry about not being in Liverpool anymore. It would mean leaving the one constant that’s been there throughout my while university life.

Then there’s the option of joining the NHS, having them fund my Masters while I work for them. It’s probably the most sensible option but there’s 350 people to every place they offer. So I can’t rely on that definitely happening.

I think one of the biggest things is; I’m frustrated with being a student. I feel so much time is wasted when I could be out; earning money or you know, getting on with life. I want more from life, I want a house with a garden. I want my car back. I feel like as a person I’ve grown up; and I need the lifestyle that goes with it. Course, all these things cost money as well and if I’m paying out £3000 a year just to be taught 8 hours a week then I can’t save up for a house and a car and a real future.

But then, Jake doesn’t know what he’s doing next year. He’s said there’s a chance he might leave. In which case I can’t really work on building a real future because he kind of is my future. How do you build something without the main component?

I just wish there was an easier way to make this decision, a lottery win might do it. That way I could afford to build a future and keep studying. But being reasonable I think 90% of the population spend their life waiting to win the lottery so things can happen for them. If you really want something you have to work hard for it. That’s what I’m going to have to do, I just don’t know where to work at.

HELP FOR HEROES CHARITY CALENDER

Little background first, I decided it would be good to make a calender for 2011 in aid of Help The Heroes. First I spoke to a few friends with various "industry skills". A photographer, Ruth Johnson and a makeup artist, Viliam Capolupo. Both agreed they'd be interested and were happy to work without payment. Then I set about asking friends if they were interested in modelling. People were interested quick and before I knew it I had a full set of girls.

After a few meetings and various discussions we settled on themes and the first shoot was decided upon.

FIRST SHOOT - ARMY PIN-UPS - 26/9/10

We met at 4pm in the Ferndale Lodge. The Ferndale's Function Room had been settled on for a location. Viliam impressed us all massively just by unpacking her bags. We were all in awe of the sheer range of makeup.

Hair and makeup was a reasonably slow process so while the girls got ready, Ruth set up the equipment.

Some of the girls got individual shots while others got ready; or smaller groups. Somehow the place had gone from being a private shoot to a function as boyfriends and friends of everyone wandered in but it made for all the more fun. The boys proved a massive help not only in setting up equipment but adding their own 'artistic direction' to the girls. The shoots audience quickly grew.

Once all the girls were finished with makeup, hair and costumes we got to work talking a group shop for the main cover of the calender. By this point we'd already taken hundreds of individual and smaller group shots. Everyone was enjoying being infront of the camera; the boys enjoyed being behind it.

A finished group shot.

Overall the night was a great success and I think everyone enjoyed themselves. We got a nice set of pictures; and the much needed cover picture. Now it's just a case of getting the rest of the shoots done before our deadline - wish us luck!

Well it’s been just over a month since we moved in to the new flat now. Seems like longer if I’m honest. But either way, I’m happy. It’s definitely become home. The best part of it is, so many people said moving in with Jake would be a mistake. Not in a nasty way, just the general I guess you’re supposed to argue more and stuff. But they were wrong and I’m so glad. I love living with him, I love knowing I get to see him everyday – that he’ll be there when I wake up in the morning, and close my eyes at night. I even think we’re managing quite well with the baby. And we have a good routine, admittedly I’m a bit of a housewife, he goes to work; I clean, ready his lunch, do some work... but I’m content so it’s all good.


Everything else is going reasonably well. I’m happy with the Calender progress, probably do a separate blog about that. My photographer for the Dawsons shoot has been in touch too, the magazines being released next month so I’m looking forward to that I guess. I’ve applied to a new agency Good Vibrations in Liverpool so that can definitely be added to my portfolio; along with the calendar and all my old stuff.


This is only the Draft Thumbnail but looks quite cool. Can't wait til it comes out.

 
And that's everything really. Uni starts up officially tommorow and I'm actually really looking forward to it. I've been a massive nerd and started my dissertation already; and I can't wait to start Counselling since its what I wanna do in life. And as excited I am for Thailand, just hope it doesn't get in the way of this year!