I’m sort of freaking out about just how quickly this year has gone. I mean, it’s November already. The end of November. Fuck. When did that happen?

I feel like time has sped up since adulthood. When you were a kid everything took so long. My parents have some rather well off friends who live in a house between Little Crosby and Formby. I used to love going there and playing hide and seek across the 6 floors and in the field of a garden. But I distinctly remember always napping in the car on the way. A long, refreshing nap. I drove past their house yesterday. It took me less than 10 minutes to drive to from my parents house. Definetly not time to even fall asleep, never mind feel refreshed from it.

Part of it I think is you’re in a constant state of excitement when you’re a kid, always giddy for the next thing. OH MY GOD IT’S CHRISTMAS, OH MY GOD IT’S NEW YEAR, OH MY GOD IT’S MY BIRTHDAY, OH MY GOD IT’S SUMMER. Your entire life is like a countdown to the next exciting event. Not that I don’t look forward to the above things now. But it’s different – I’m not bouncing off the walls anymore. I look forward to Christmas, NY, my birthday. But I can wait for them too, it’s when you can’t wait for stuff time seems to slow; and when you can it goes hurtling along.

But I guess the one positive is no matter how fast it’s going it’s full of suprises. Last year if you’d asked me where I’d be, what I’d be doing with myself; my answer wouldn’t have been remotely right. I probably would have guessed doing a masters like I was expecting, or if I was working, something more along the Psychology route. Never HR. But there you go. I just sort of fell in to it and I’m enjoying it so it’s kind of comforting to know you don’t need a set plan for everything.

So with that in mind, this time next year who knows where I’ll be. That’s kind of exciting – something to look forward to? Maybe. But I’m not going to get too worked up for it. Unless I want time to slow down, then I can test that theory. 

On a somewhat related note (not really but time... blah blah)... I really want a pocket watch. 

We were talking about maintaining composure in work today. How difficult it is sometimes to hold back and not say what you really want to.  Especially in HR; unfortunately when the shit hits the fan, it always flys off and lands on HR, regardless of how little input we’ve had in it. When that happens, and you’re getting shit for something thats not your fault, it’s very difficult sometimes to not bite back.

We were also talking about Dawn French in work which sort of comes into the topic of maintaining composure. Everyone was going on about how good she looks for loosing all that weight. But to me she doesn’t look... happy. And I don’t blame her. Divorcing a husband of 25 years. It’s still a concept I can never get my head around. I’d struggle if my relationship broke up and thats just over three years; so I can’t begin to grasp how you’d deal after 25 years. 25 years of spending every day with someone, sharing all your thoughts, sharing everything; sharing the showers you wash in, the bed you sleep in. Being naked infront of them every day. Being 100% yourself with them every day. How do you even begin to deal with that not being there anymore? Even if the spark was gone. Even if the passion, the romance. There must be something after that length of time holding you together. I can’t get my head around it. My heart goes out to her, and my respect for managing to maintain her composure. Because I would be in curled in a ball I wouldn’t want to roll out of.

That’s the problem I think with getting close to anything. Enemies who are strangers are a lot safers than enemies made from friends. Because friends know such more about you. They know your weaknesses and insecurities, they know what to do that would hurt you the most, or annoy you the most. The closer the friend the bigger the potential danger. Same goes for a relationship, the closer the couple, the worse the break-up would end up being (if it happened). It’s a lesson I’ve learnt, only open up to people who open up back to you. Because if you pour your heart out to someone but know nothing about them there isn’t anything to stop them spilling it all should you fall out.

I found out earlier this week a lot of shit that happened a few years ago was as a result of a former friend of mine. At first I was furious. It suddenly came to light and I found myself in a rage, wanting to go and confront her; to say – what the fuck where you thinking? Why would you do somehting like that? It hurt more because she did know me so well. We had been close, she knew my secrets, she knew the thing that would hurt me most, so she teamed up with the people she knew I didn’t like to try and make it happen. It was so messed up, so twisted. Then I pondered it a bit more. Luckily, even though the shit was a hassle; it didn’t cause too many problems. I didn’t get hurt, just a bit frustrated. So essentially she ‘failed’. It was a long time ago as well so I’d sort of gotten over it, was there any point dragging it all back up sheerly to satisfy the curiousity of why anyone would do something so twisted for  no apparent reason. I sort of new the answer, it was for kicks. I knew because I watched her do the same to others. Sat back and observed as she tried to mess with other peope for the sheer fuck of it. So it shouldn’t really of come of as a surprise when it all went to shit for me she was the one holding the puppet strings. I guess in the end after my anger had subsided that the only thing left was pity for her, and mild satisfaction that the things that bring me my kicks are spending time with people, nights out, nights in. Nice stuff; and that’s exactly how I want it to be.

Slightly lighter note and less dravelly bit now. A tip for all ladies out there. You know on a night out when you’re getting hassled by a boy? You tell them you have a boyfriend - .. “So?” You tell them you’re a lesbian – interested only increases... tell them you’ve got  an contagious illness they usually just laugh. Sometimes the only way to get rid of them is to outright scream FUCK OFF in their face, and I’m not a fan of that. I’m not really a rude person, unless they’re being a dick in which case no hesitation. But if they’re nice enough and just eager I feel bad. Well, last Friday dancing the night away in the Krazyhouse, I found the ultimate repellent.  Wear a ring on your ring finger. Sounds too simple doesn’t it? I didn’t think it would work either. But I had 100% success rate sending them running by just waggling my hand when they came near. I actually mean running. I might aswell of been waving a hand grenade at them. They scarpered. So if you want  a hassle free night with the girls pop a ring on and get waving. (A hand grenade may also work.)

I've been reading over my old blogs and I sound so miserable lately. Okay granted it's not been without reason but I just didn't like it at all. So I haven't had the best luck lately.... so what? I was thinking about this the other day. I hurt my foot. I thought at first it was broken toes but the doctor confirmed it's just pulled tendons. I say that like that's massively better, it's not. But anyway; so I was moaning wondering when I was going to catch a break and stop being sick and/or injured; and it kind of hit me. Never. I've been this way my whole life. I'm clumsy. I always break. It happens. Same way meeting knobheads in life is unavoidable, because not everyone is a nice person. You just face it and get on. I did a sort of new 'about me' thing fairly recently with the change but I feel like everything's changed since then so this blog is going to be another one of those type things. Sorry if that's boring. But I figure if you're reading this you're bored anyway so :)

 

A RECENT PIC
Since my last one of these there has been a big change. My hair. Yes I finally took the plunge and allowed to chop it all off. I think changing my hair came nicely in time with the big change in my life. I do like it; it's a big frustrating how quickly it grows, but free haircuts mean its not too much of a hassle.

AGE
21 but feel so much older. Somehow I've landed myself in quite a grown-up job. Yes okay I know I am a grown up, but things like sitting in an interview room or being in charge of well... anything really; it's a big responsibility that makes me feel older. I guess with everything going on I've kind of been thrown in the deep end and I had to grow up quick. As long as I don't get the wrinkles and grey hairs to match, I think I'm coping.


OCCUPATION
I've landed in the NHS as I wanted but working in Human Resources. I say but in terms of I guess wanting to be a counsellor/psychologist sort of implies that's where i would have ended up in the NHS but no, HR it is. I do like it though. Apart from the responsibility and stuff it's a good job and lots of variation. I work in recruitment, from putting jobs on nhsjobs to taking successful candidates through the recruitment process; and things like interviews and liasing with heads of service comes into that; which is always interesting. Their the main aspects I guess. I guess I'm still pining for counselling but sitting through review interviews for Mental Health I really got a feel for just how difficult it is to get there; and stay there. I'm starting a course in EMDR which will be a step towards the counselling side of things but a large (sensible) part of me is thinking counselling should be something on the side for me and staying in HR would be wise.

Outside I'm still doing modelling. My dramatic haircut was part of modelling for HOOKA and since getting the chop I've had a lot of interest from places. Unfortunately, working full time weekdays means I am somewhat restricted to shoots so I'm not doing as much as I'd like. I have a few exciting ones lined up though that will be worth taking the time off for.

I did get an invite to the auditions for BNTM. I really did enjoy the show this year, it's the first time I sat down and really watched it. I'm not sure it's for me though. I love shoots, and when it brings the cash in that's always good. But it's not a secure career. It's not 9-5 knowing a paycheck will be coming in at the end of the month; its not knowing when you hit your late 20's if you're still going to be wanted. Or when you settled down and want to have a baby. It's just not something I've got enough drive for, family is definitely higher on the ambitions list.

PARTNER

Still Jake, hasn't changed., not likely to change if I've got anything to say about it.  I guess I've been thinking a lot about couples and relationships lately. It's so insightful watching other people's relationships. They're all so different, some are fiercely independent, others rely totally on each other. Some harmonised, others argue a lot, and yet the majority of them are happy. It proved my theory so much that there's no such thing as a perfect couple, partially because perfection is subjective. But sometimes times are shit, you're going to argue and fight because that's life. Perfection doesn't exist, you just have to hunt for the closest thing to it.



PETS
Sadly Simba passed away meaning my pets are down to 0. Charlotte has bought a bunny though, a gorgeous beautiful little thing with such character. I know she's not mine but I guess I'm sort of like an aunty I guess. While she's away in Paris I've been watching her, and I've just fallen in love. I really love the feeling of having something to look after, to be responsible before. I guess; I like being depended on. It's nice.

FRIENDS
I think one of the reasons I was getting down so much in the past few months was friends. Not as in, it was their fault. But between illness and always feeling knackered with stress I didn't go out much and I never actually realised just how much I did miss people. When things got really, really shit though; it was a little overwhelming (in a nice way) at how much they came through for me. One tearful phone call and I was surrounded by an army of people saying; "Hey, we're here for you." That was lovely. It helped more than anything I think. When you feel like I did, I think the scariest thing was feeling alone. It stopped all that. Then Halloween was lovely seeing people. Everyone having fun, laughing and messing about just left me with such a good vibe. If I've learnt anything over the past few months; it's no matter how shit you feel don't be a hermit, because going out will make you feel better.



WHAT'S TO COME....

The years nearly over. Which frequently blows my mind. Where has this year gone?? It's been a very busy year; my 21st and Thailand, graduating, leaving uni, moving out the flat, starting work in 'the real word'... it's been a big one.  In terms of short term there's still a few events left for the year, little things; nights out, concerts. Obviously Christmas/NY and all the events that come with that.

Next year; I don't really know what it holds. I know the number one goal; buy and move into a house in Crosby/Waterloo. We've gone over the finances, and honestly, we're not all that far off now. It terms of deposit I've managed to save about half of it. By spring/summer next year we should be ready. I guess hand in hand with that is the new level for the relationship. When we moved into the flat everyone gave us "You're going to break up or end up killing each other because of this". Well, we didn't. Sure there were arguments, but overall the whole experience was a contented one. We lasted the full year for the most part happy; our biggest problems came from other sources which ended up bonding us.

Apart from that I really don't know what the year holds. I'd love to go back to Thailand of course but that may have to wait a couple years more. I guess thinking of it, if you asked me this time last year what I'd be doing now; I wouldn't have given the right answer.  So who knows, take it as it comes and fingers crossed there will be a little less injuries.



To finish ...  advertising. Plan 9 are playing tonight at Stamps Too. Quite possibly it will be the last gig of the year for them, so come down and give me someone to get drunk with :)